Snake the Handyman
by SeththeGreat
Summary: Solid Snake is released from his job as being a member of the Super Smash Brothers. Looking for work, the Animal Crossing Villager suggest that he do what he did and do favors for the Smashers. After recurting the others that were cut from the roster, Snake and his crew establish their business. What jobs will they do? Well that's up to you reader. (I take suggestions.)
1. Pilot

**Hello everybody. Sorry I haven't made any stories in a while, but I had many different things on my plate. The most important thing to know is that I've graduated from High School. So I have more free time (for now) to focus on different things and this came to mind a couple days ago. **

**The idea of this story is that, from what I've seen so far, Solid Snake will not be in the new Super Smash Brothers. It's a real shame, he's my favorite character in video games. So basically I pictured in my head that Snake gets fired from Smash Bros, and needs to look for work. He ends up getting work through several different means, mainly doing favors for people, like the villager does. This is just the prologue chapter, after this chapter I've decided to take request on what silly jobs you'd like to see Snake do. In the review, just put which character needs a favor, and what the favor is. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

It was an early morning , and all the Smashers were getting ready for their daily activities. Among them was Solid Snake, the soldier of fortune from the Metal Gear Solid universe. Snake suited up in his military sneaking suit. He then heard knocking on the door to his room.

"I'll be there in a second." Snake replied.  
Snake went to his door and opened it, revealing Luigi was the one knocking.  
"Good morning Snake." Luigi greeted.  
"Oh! Good morning Luigi. How are you doing?" Snake replied.

At first, Snake was very cold and distant towards the others around him. But he eventually warmed up to the group over the years and became more social (Especially after Peach made it her mission to bring Snake out of his shell. She's definitely persistant.).  
"I was told to let you know that Master Hand wants to see you." Luigi informed.  
"Master Hand? I wonder what wants." Snake thought; "Alright, thanks for letting me know Luigi."  
"Eh, No problem buddy." Luigi laughed.  
"By the way, you should stop giving people the death glare during kart races, people are getting really nervous around you." Snake told the plumber.  
"Oh…uh ok." Luigi answered.

* * *

Snake opened the door to Master Hand's office, and saw the giant floating hand sitting (if you can call it that) at his desk.

"You wanted to see me Mr. Hand?" Snake asked.

"Oh yes! Come on in Snake." The hand requested. "Please have a seat."

Snake did as he said and took a seat in front of his desk.

"Snake…I have something very difficult to inform you about." Master Hand said in a very nervous tone.

"Ok, what is it?" Snake asked.

"Snake…you've been with the Smash Brothers for a very long time and I want to tell you how much we enjoy you here…"

Snake sighed in disappointment and put his hand against his forehead. He knew what was coming.

"You're letting me go right?" Snake asked, even though he knew the answer.

Master Hand sighed as well. It was clear that Master Hand did not enjoy having to break the news to Snake.

"I'm very sorry Snake. I didn't want this to happen. I tried to keep you on the roster, but the board just wouldn't allow me to renew your contract."

"It's alright Mr. Hand…I know you did what you could."

"The board just doesn't believe that you fit in the group, they said you're just too different from the others."

"Well, they're not wrong about that."

"If there's anything I can do to help you make this transition, just ask." Master Hand offered.

"It's alright. I'll find a new job." Snake assured him.

Snake got out of his chair and began making his way out the room.

"It's been a pleasure Snake." Master Hand said.

"Likewise." Snake smiled. "I'll see you around."

* * *

Snake sat at a bench in the park, smoking a cigarette, and thinking about his current situation. Fighting was more or less what he was best at, and it was what he did for most of his life as an occupation. Now that he's out of a job where he got paid to fight, he was in a bit of a bind.

"Hey buddy? What's the matter?" A friendly voice asked.

Snake looked to see that it was the Villager from Animal Crossing.

"Hey, you're the villager, the guy that recently got accepted into Smash Brothers right?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"It's good to meet you, you can call me Snake."

"Ok Snake, what seems to be the problem?" The Villager questioned.

Snake sighed "Well, I just got fired from Smash Brothers."

"Oh! I'm really sorry to hear that."

"Thanks. But I'm just confused about what I'm going to do for a living now."

"Well, you could do favors. That's what I did at the neighborhood I lived in." The Villager suggested.

"Favors? What do you mean? What did "favors" have you do?" Snake wondered.

"All sorts of things really. If my neighbor needed something done, I'd go and do it for him. When you do favors for people, they often give you money or other rewards."

"Really?" Snake asked with interest. "Did you work for a company that does that?"

"No, I just did it myself. But I can let people know that you'll do favors and get you started if you're up for it. What do you say?" The Villager offered.

"_This sounds pretty promising, and I don't have any other ideas."_ Snake thought.

"Alright! I'll do it!"

The Villager had advertised Snake's new business to other Smashers and set him up with an office building. This felt similar to being a mercenary in Snake's mind. Suddenly, the office door opened and Snake looked to see who his first client was…

* * *

**Who the client will be is and what he/she wants is up to one of you. Give me suggestions in the review section, and even review the story if you feel like it.**


	2. Sonic (Part 1)

**Sorry that this took me so long to write. The only excuse I can give you is that I'm a lazy asshole. So Smash 3DS came out, and it's really good. Uh…rest in peace Snake. My friends are trying to make me feel better by telling me he'll be DLC, but I really don't think so. Some people just didn't like Snake being in Smash Bros and I completely understand that. I'm just a Metal Gear fanboy so I really liked him being in my favorite fighting game series. He also had a very unique playstyle to him. I just hope people don't forget about the character and that he will be a main character in SSB fan fics in the future. That's just me. So here's part 1 of the Sonic chapter of my story. Part 2 should not take as fucking long as this part did.**

Snake looked to see who his first customer would be. The door opened and Sonic the Hedgehog walked in. Snake sighed, wishing it was someone else, but told himself it was better than nothing.  
"Hello Sonic, what can I do for you?" Snake asked acting genuinely interested.

"Hey there Snake! How have you been doing? Good! Great! That's good to hear." Sonic blabbered.

"I actually didn't sa…"

"So I was at the track yesterday. Training. For you know…BEING in the Smash Bros, tournament…"

"_I still don't like this guy. He's such a pretentious prick." _Snake thought as he resisted the urge to inflict bodily harm on the blue hedgehog.

"And Captain Falcon told me that you were running a new business where you do favors for people." Sonic finished.

"Yes, that's correct. I do a favor and get something in return. Is there something that you need?" Snake asked.

"Why as a matter of fact, there is something that I could use some help with!" Sonic said in a condescending tone.  
"In preparation for the tournament, the one you're not going to, I've been working on my speed down at the track. I'm requesting that you come with me and help me with my training."

"Sure thing, what do you need me to do?" Snake asked.

"So you'll help?" Sonic asked surprised.

"Yeah sure."

"Cool! So anyway, running the track has gotten really boring and repetitive. It's just too easy." Sonic bragged.

"Too easy eh? Why do you think that is?" Snake sarcastically wondered.

"Snake you may be able to make jokes because you're not in the roster but I have to focus!" Sonic ordered.

"Wow…you're really going for it aren't you?"

"What's that Snake?"

"Nothing…so what do you want me to do?"

"Snake, since you're a master tactician, I want you to build me an obstacle course. One that will actually push me to my limits." Sonic requested.

A grin appeared on Snake's face  
"Is that so?"

"If you can do that Snake, then I'll give you 400 rings as payment."

"Ok Hedgehog, you got yourself a deal." Snake said.

Late at night, Snake was on the track field, with several utilities on his belt. He was building the obstacle course that Sonic requested. With a wrench, hammer, and several other tools he went to work.

"_Sonic seems to think that this is going to be an average obstacle course. He doesn't seem to be very familiar with having a challenge. I'm going to have to surprise him." _Snake thought.

As he was working, Peach and Zelda approached his worksite. He was too caught up in his work to notice.  
"Um…hello there Snake!" Zelda greeted wanting to make their presence known.  
Snake turned and was surprised to see the two princesses.  
"OH! Hello there princesses. Sorry about that, I didn't hear you guys."  
Snake put his tools down to have a proper conversation with the two women.  
"So what's going on?" He asked.  
"Well we heard that you were in town and we wanted to see how you were doing. We hadn't spoken with you since you left."  
"Yeah, it's been a couple weeks. Uh well the new business is off to a slow start but I'm holding up. What about you two?" Snake asked.  
"Oh you started a business. That's great! What do you do?" Zelda asked out of curiosity.  
"Well it's similar to mercenary work, except my assignments aren't exclusive to being a hired gun. I do favors for people in exchange for some sort of payment."  
"Is that what you're doing right now?" Zelda asked.  
"Yes ma'am. Sonic hired me to build him an obstacle course to help him train. I'm trying to make it a challenging one, one where he can't just run his way through." Snake said.  
"Sonic's you're employer? You and him never really got along." Peach pointed out.  
"Yeah and he's not ready to start. He's been talking a lot of shit about him being on the roster and how I'm not, but I just got to deal with it." Snake said.  
"I'm really sorry you lost your spot Snake…" Peach said sorrowfully.  
"Hey don't worry about Peach, it's not your fault. I'll be fine." Snake said trying to comfort her.  
"You better be." Peach said and smiled back.  
"All right! It was good to see you again Snake, but it's getting late. We should get back home Peach." Zelda said.  
"Yeah it was good to catch up with you two. I'll see you later." said Snake. "By the way...would either of you happen to know anything that Sonic is afraid of would you?"  
"Afraid of? Well I know that he really hates water." Zelda inquired.

"_Of course! That hedgehog hates water! I hope he won't mind me putting a swimming pool in his obstacle course."_ Snake thought.

"Other than that I'm not sure. I hope that helps." Zelda said.

"Oh yeah! That helps more than you think!" Snake said with a mischievous grin.

…**to be continued.**


	3. Sonic (Part 2 of 2)

**The next day…**

Sonic arrived at the field where Snake had finished building his obstacle course for Sonic to do his training.  
"Well, looks like someone's been busy!" Sonic commented.  
"Yeah you could say that." Snake replied as he wiped the sweat from his brow.  
"So what am I looking at here Snake?" Sonic asked with an arrogant tone.  
"It's an obstacle course. As you proceed through the course you will come across different types of obstacles that will attempt to hinder your progress. How you decide to deal with said obstacles is ultimately up to you." Snake explained.  
"Whoa! Sounds complicated!" Sonic said.  
"It shouldn't be if you decide to use your head. By the way you'll need this."  
Snake handed Sonic a backpack.  
"What the hell is this?" Sonic asked.  
"It's full of various types of equipment that you're going to need if you hope to pass this course." Snake explained.  
"Pfft! Yeah…sure I will." Sonic sarcastically remarked.  
"_He's just as arrogant I as thought. Hope he doesn't get himself killed."_ Snake thought.  
"Before you start I suggest you use your binoculars and scout the area ahead. My father always believed that binoculars were more useful than any weapon he's ever used." Snake said.  
"The hell are you talking about Snake? This isn't one of your missions, it's an obstacle course! I'll speed right through it." Sonic sneered and took off running.

He ran for about 3 seconds and was stopped as an explosive went off from right under him and threw him high into the air. After a good amount of air time, he fell to the ground with great force, right on his back. Sonic groaned and felt pain surging throughout his body.  
"Are you all right champ?" Snake asked. His voice was transmitting through a radio in Sonic's equipment.  
"**WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?**" Sonic screamed angrily.  
"That was a motion detector mine. And that area you're in is full of them." Snake answered.  
"How the fuck was I supposed to know that?" Sonic asked furiously.  
"If you scouted with the binoculars you would have seen them. Those binoculars are the only way to see those mines, and they'll mark where they are for you." Snake explained.  
Sonic felt like an idiot but wasn't going to admit he was at fault.  
"Fine!" He shouted and took out the binoculars. He looked into the device and sure enough, he could see the mines clear as day. But Snake wasn't kidding about them being all over the place.  
"I see them but how am I supposed to get past them?" Sonic asked.  
"Like I explained at the beginning, the method of getting past obstacles is up to you." Snake answered.  
"Damn you Snake! I told you to build me an obstacle course!"  
"You also told me to make it challenging. Good luck!" Snake said and got off the radio.

Several explosions caused by failed attempts later, Sonic was finally able to pass through the minefield by throwing nearby rocks at the mines to set them off. Sonic felt great for his accomplishment until he was reminded by Snake that the minefield was just the first of many stages. The next part of the course had Sonic go into a cave. It was pitch black inside the cave. Sonic assumed that he would need a flashlight and that it was part of his equipment, so he reached into his bag to find it. He found everything except a flashlight.  
"Uh…Snake?"  
"What's up Sonic?"  
"I'm in a cave right now."  
"I'm aware of that, I'm monitoring your position to see how you do during the exercise. Is there a problem?" Snake questioned.  
"Well yeah! It's dark and I don't have a flashlight!" Sonic complained.  
"…Sonic…you're complaining to me that you don't have a flashlight in your backpack?"  
"How the hell am I supposed to see without a flashlight!"  
"You know all my mission were Secure-on-Site. That meant I was only given a sneaking suit, so equipment and weapons I had to find on my own. I've given you equipment, so why don't you look through the equipment so you can make a light source…" Snake said in a condescending tone.

It took the hedgehog a little while, but he ended up making a torch using a lighter and a stick. Snake was surprised he thought of anything at all.  
"What a pretentious prick." Sonic muttered referring to Snake.  
After a good hour of traveling, Sonic made it out of the cave.  
"Good job Sonic, you made it out of the dark cave." Snake said.  
"Yeah thanks. So what's next survivor-man?" Sonic sarcastically remarked.  
Suddenly, Sonic's backpack exploded and sent the Hedgehog sky-high. Again Sonic felt like he was dying when he fell to the ground.  
"Why didn't you check you're equipment for explosives?" Snake asked sarcastically, barely being able to contain his laughter.  
Sonic sighed in frustration, and then forced himself to stand up. He traveled a bit more and was approaching the next obstacle.  
"Sonic there's something that you need to do in order to be truly prepared for any opposition." Snake began explaining.  
"And what's that?" Sonic asked.  
"You need to conquer your fears." Snake answered.  
"Fears! Hah! Do you know who you're talking to? I'm not afraid of anything." Sonic answered with his cocky demeanor.  
As he said that he looked in front of him and froze in fear at what he saw.  
"Then I guess you won't mind going for a little swim."  
Sure enough, it was a swimming pool. It wasn't that big of a pool, but to Sonic it seemed like it went on for miles.  
"No! No! NO! NO! NO!...FUCKING NO!" Sonic screamed.  
"Come on, just get it over with! This is the final part of the course." Snake ordered.  
"How the hell did you know I'm afraid of water!?" Sonic demanded.  
"That's not important."  
"Like hell it isn't! What the fuck is your problem man!? I ask you to build me an obstacle course not a fucking death maze! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?"

Sonic was then pushed into the water by an unknown force. He was unable to get a look at who put him into the liquid that he saw as death. Sonic's heart began to race, adrenaline began to pump through his body. His body had now entered a state of fight-or-flight. He didn't know how to swim, but his body was telling him to do anything to stay alive. He flailed his arms and legs, being able to get air every so often, and did his best to move forward. Time went on, and Sonic's adrenaline rush began to subside. He began to feel tired. He tried as best as he could to push himself forward. He was so close to the end of the pool, but he couldn't go any further. He had exhausted all of the energy he had. To his luck, two arms grabbed him and pulled him out of the water.  
"I got to admit, I'm impressed. You almost made it."  
The one who pulled Sonic out was none other than Snake, whom he thought was out to kill him. Snake placed Sonic down so he could recuperate his energy.  
"You just sit there for a little bit until you feel like you can walk." Snake ordered.  
"So before I kicked you into the water, you asked me why I wanted to kill you. Is that right?" Snake asked and glared over to the blue hedgehog.  
"Y-y-yeah…" Sonic muttered.  
"Well the answer is I don't." Snake said sternly.  
Sonic looked up at Snake with a look of confusion.

"The truth is Sonic, I don't want to kill you. Hell I don't even hate you. I really don't like you, but I don't hate you. But you're right about one thing. I didn't build you an ordinary obstacle course to help you with your fighting skills. You think that I built this course as a means to assassinate you? No…I built this course as a means of teaching you some damn respect, to teach you that you're not better than other people, and to teach you that you are not immortal. I saw your arrogance as a major weakness. You're not going to become stronger unless you know your limits." Snake spouted in exposition.

Snake stopped to light his cigarette. It was a habit he wanted to break soon.

"Now I may have went a little bit too far with the course hazards, but understand Sonic that this is a world where when you talk shit, you will get hit. So don't walk into my office and harass me about being cut from the roster, and expect to walk away without me confronting you about it."

Snake took out a chili dog and threw it to Sonic.

"Here's your reward for finishing the course. Now I'm going back to my office." Snake said and began to walk away.  
"Wait!" Sonic shouted.  
"What is it?" Snake asked.  
"Here's your payment." Sonic said and threw him several gold rings.  
"You were right…I guess I did need a little bit of a reality check. I'm sorry I gave you a rough time." Sonic apologized.  
Snake looked over to Sonic and let out a small smile.  
"Well…I've dealt with worse. Later hedgehog." 


	4. Filler

**So this isn't going to be considered an actual chapter in this story. This is more or less everyone's favorite thing in a story…filler. (Sarcasm for that last sentence). I want to add these "unofficial" chapters to the story to put in some interesting plots that don't involve Snake doing a job for some one. I want the "official" chapters to be about Snake doing said jobs. These filler chapters are just to add more to the story. If this is met with poor reception then I won't do one again.**

**Before starting I just wanted to thank Plasmatrooper for his very helpful review of my story. I appreciate being aware of my faults and apologize for any bad paragraphing structure. Another thing I wanted to thank you for is your idea which is basically the reason why I decided to make this filler chapter. For those who don't know, Plasma talked about Snake interacting with the other characters that were cut from the roster. I didn't even think about that and I think it's very interesting so that's what this chapter will be about. Also this filler will inform you of what job Snake will be doing in the next chapter. If you really want to know ask (Thanks by the way.)**

**Here we go! Filler!**

* * *

Snake returned to his office after finishing his job with Sonic. He felt good about how it went. It may not have been a walk in the park, but he accomplished his goal of getting some respect from the Hedgehog and more or less put the animosity between them to rest. While it was past midnight, Snake went to his office because it actually acted as his home. It wasn't the best place to live, for one it didn't have a bed so he slept on his office chair, but it was better than sleeping on the concrete. He slumped on his chair and laid his head on his desk and went to sleep. Snake can fall asleep just about anywhere you could think of. His missions required him to get rest anywhere you could think of.

Morning came and Snake woke up to knocking on his office door. It was early, 6:00 AM to be exact, but that's when his establishment opened.

"I'm coming." Snake said to let his visitors know he was operating. He opened the door and the door and was met by two new additions to the Smash Bros roster, Robin and Lucina.

"Uh good morning Mister…" Robin paused, being unsure on how to formally address the former soldier.

"You can just call me Snake." He said.

"Ah I see. Well good morning Mr. Snake, I'm Robin and this is Lucina. Although you probably were informed of that a couple sentences ago." Robin greeted.

"My game series is known for breaking the fourth wall, not yours. Anyway, please come on in." Snake said and let the two into the building.

The three of them situated themselves into Snake's office. Lucina looked around the small worn and torn building. Robin and Lucina considered the place to be more of a shack than anything, but weren't going to be rude about it.

"Uh…this is quite a nice place you have here." Lucina said in an attempt to make small talk.

"I appreciate you being to be polite but you don't have to lie to me. I know the place looks like shit." Snake responded humorously. He took a sniff and smelled a foul odor, and it was coming from him. He took a look at himself and realized he hadn't taken a shower or even changed his clothes for that matter.

"And so do I from the looks of it. I'm sorry could you give me a second to freshen up?" Snake asked.

"You don't have to worry about it, we don't mind how you look." Robin said.

"No really, I'll be right back." Snake said. He then went inside his beloved cardboard box. Strangely enough, Robin and Lucina heard the sound of showering coming from inside the box. The sound of water dropping stopped and Snake popped out of the box refreshed and wearing a new set of clothes. Robin and Lucina were taken back by what just happened.

"Alright, there we go! See! I told you it would only take a…uh…are you two okay?" Snake asked noticing the confused looks on the couple's faces.

"Did you…did you just…take a shower in that cardboard box?" Robin asked while trying to put his sentences together.

"Yes I did, and I also changed my clothes if you didn't notice." Snake responded simply.

"Oh we noticed…" Lucina muttered.

"Ok I can tell you guys don't understand how what I did is possible, am I right?" Snake asked. His question was met with nods from both of them.

"Well I don't want to waste both of our time explaining the long process. Just understand that cardboard boxes are more useful than most people think. I'd go as far to say that you can find the meaning of life inside a box. Now let's talk business. What did you two come here for?" Snake asked changing the subject.

"Oh yes! That's right. Um...we are going on a date tomorrow…" Robin began explaining.

"_I already don't like where this is going."_ Snake thought.

"But we have a young daughter and we can't just leave her by herself."

"_I REALLY don't like where this is going!" _Snake thought while restraining himself from interrupting.

"We asked all the other people on the roster but they're all too busy. So we were wondering if maybe…you could babysit our daughter Morgan?" Lucina asked.

"_**FUCKING SHIT!"**_**  
**

"I…uh…I don't know…she's not a baby is she?" Snake asked. If their answer was yes then his answer would be no way in hell.

"No, she's a teenager. She isn't too much of a trouble maker if you want to know." Robin answered.

"I…I don't know. I'm not really good with kids. Hell, I'm not that good with people in the first place." Snake said as the cynical part of him began to kick in.

"Oh don't say that. You're a good man Mr. Snake!" Lucina said to comfort Snake.

Snake never thought of himself as a good man. Given that he was a hired gun in the past, he's left a trail of bodies that still haunt him from time to time. However, he didn't feel like trying to convince this woman otherwise. He didn't want sympathy from others.

"Are you being sincere or are you just saying that?" Snake asked to verify.

"Of course I mean it." Lucina said assuringly.

Snake sighed in defeat and caved in. "Alright, I'll do it."

* * *

After scheduling the job with Robin and Lucina, Snake left his office and went on lunch break. He also had made plans to meet with the Villager for lunch. He arrived at the café and saw the cheery young man.

"Hey Snake! How are you doing my friend?" Villager asked.

"Well I finished my first job so that's something." Snake said.

"You bet it is! Sonic was goin' around to the other Smashers and talking real positive about your performance."

"Did he really? I'm glad to hear it."

"Well of course you are! From what I heard, a lot of the people are quite interested in your business. You can look forward to getting a lot more jobs in the future. Hope the work load won't be too much for ya grandpa!" Villager teased.

"Hey! I'm not senile yet! I've still got a lot a fight left in me. By the way I saw your match with Mega Man earlier."

"Oh yeah? What did you think?" Villager questioned.

"That was pretty damn funny when you put Rush in your pocket. Mega Man just freaked out! He thought you had killed his dog." Snake laughed.

"Aw man that was priceless! And then I grabbed his charge shot! Then KABOOM! Match over!"

The two of them had some good laughs, exchanging stories with one another. The Villager moved on to more important matters.

"So Snake, I've been thinking about your current business structure, and I believe there's something that you can do to make things easier on yourself." The Villager began.

"Oh yeah, and what would that be?" Snake asked.

"You're going to need to hire more employees." Villager suggested.

"More employees?" Snake repeated.

"Why the hell do you do that so much?" Villager asked.

"Do what?" Snake questioned.

"Repeating what someone just said to you in the form of a question. Why do you do that?"

"Uhh…I…" Snake muttered, unable to think of a response.

"Ok just forget about it. Yes, you need MORE EMPLOYEES!" Villager emphasized the last two words.

"I can hear you no need to scream. But you are right about that, cause I don't know how long I'm going to be able to do all this work by myself without going nuts. But who am I going to hire? The people I want working with me are people I know I can rely on and those people are still on the roster." Snake said.

"Snake, you do know that you're not the only one who was cut from the roster right?" Villager asked.

"Shit you're right…" Snake said in realization. "The Ice Climbers, Red the Pokémon trainer, Wolf and Lucas. They didn't make the cut either, and they're Nintendo characters. I wonder how they're holding up."

"I'll save you the trouble of finding out. Terrible, all of them. They're all unemployed, and they're all having trouble dealing with it. I think you would be doing them a favor by giving them some work. It'll take their mind off it and have them working in a place where they can contact the friends that they made." Villager informed him.

"You know where I can find them?" Snake asked.

* * *

Snake got into his car and began his trip to see the other characters cut from the roster. The Villager, being a very resourceful young man, gave Snake a sheet with the locations of each character. Snake went through the list and checked on each character's current status.

The Ice Climbers went back to Icicle Mountain, living in a wood cabin. Popo developed a drinking problem and died from alcohol poisoning. However being that he is in the Smash Bros. Universe, he re-spawned.

Red tried to get back into the competitive Pokémon scene, but was having very little success. Turns out that his Charizard was one of his best fighters and without him, battles weren't as easy as they used to be.

Lucas didn't take being removed from the roster very well and became depressed. Snake often spotted him sitting on a bench at the park, not bothering to join the other kids in whatever game they were playing. Poor kid.

And Wolf went back to leading the Star Wolf unit. Although while ease-dropping on a conversation between Panther and Leon, Snake found out that Wolf just doesn't seem to enjoy the work like he used to ever since he returned.

It became clear to Snake that they all needed the jobs. It would be in their best interest, and not to mention take a load off of Snake's back. He decided to anonymously send them each letters telling them to meet at the park late at night. Sure enough, they all showed up at the park, but were all surprised to see each other, expecting only one person to be there.

* * *

"Um…Hi?" Lucas greeted amiss the confusion.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Wolf question angrily.

"Well I got this letter telling me to come here." Red answered and showed the letter.

"Wait…I got one just like it." Wolf realized.

The five of them showed each other the identical letters and realized that it wasn't a coincident that they all showed up.

"Hello everyone." Snake greeted as he walked out of the shadows.

"Snake?!" said the five of them.

"Yes, it was me. I'm the one who brought you all here." Snake admitted.

"Why?" Lucas asked.

"And why'd you have to be a cryptic asshole doing it?" Wolf added.

"Because I got an offer that you probably should not, but do have the option to refuse." He answered.

And so he told them all about the business he was running. How he had started it, how he needs employees, and how he spied on all of them like a fucking creep. He really didn't need to spy on them, he could've just went to them and offered them a job. That's what's called "making an effective request".

"And that's why I brought all of you here." Snake said to conclude the story that was not written down because fuck me, I'm lazy.

"Well…what if we don't want the job?" Popo asked in defiance.

"Popo, c'mon! You don't even believe that." Snake replied.

Popo was silent, somewhat acknowledging that it was the truth.

"Dear, I think this will be good for us. Maybe it will help you with your drinking problem." Nana said.

"Nana! Don't let them know about it!" Popo yelled.

"Man you have a six-pack in your hand, she didn't need to tell us anything." Red said.

"Ok enough! Do you guys want the job or not?" Snake offered.

After a brief pause, they spoke up.

"We're in" Popo said. "Alright!" Lucas said with excitement. "I'll take it!" Red shouted with equal enthusiasm. "Hmph…fine,but the pay better be as good as you say it is." Wolf said indifferently.

"Great! Now…any of you know anything about babysitting a teenager?" Snake asked hoping…no…praying that one of them would say yes.

"Nope." They all answered

"God dammit!"


	5. Morgan

**Author's Note: I lost a wager match on Street Fighter 4, and the loser had to buy and beat Sonic '06 So I did that. That's it.**

* * *

And so Snake had done a good deed, as well as lowered the unemployment rate of the Smash Universe if you want to look at it in another way. Nana turned out to be really good with numbers, so she was made to be Snake's accountant. Popo could talk...that's something! So he was assigned to being a receptionist. Lucas was good with advertisement and PR (Public Relations), so he was in charge of that stuff. Red and Wolf were tasked with doing favors that were low caliber.

But that didn't get rid of the fact that he still had that job to do. What was that again? Ah yes! He had to babysit the daughter of those newcomers Robin and Lucina. The two of them seemed nice enough, hopefully their kid is the same way. The kid was a young girl named Morgan. Snake didn't know very much about her, so much so that he had to PM a guy who knew more about Fire Emblem on some site where fans of a certain series would write fictional stories taking place in said .

Now that we got all of that meta shit out of the way, Snake arrived at the door of Robin and Lucina's house. He hesitated, but ultimately rang the door bell.

"Please don't be home!" Snake spoke to himself. He really didn't want to do this job in case it wasn't clear. But screw him and what he wants, because Robin answered the door swiftly.

"Snake! Oh thank you so much for coming!" Robin greeted.

"Well you guys made a request and it's my job to go through with it." Snake said trying to sound professional.

"I'm glad to hear it!" Robin said. He then called to his wife Lucina, who was ready to go out on their date. She looked good. She's a beautiful young lady and she was wearing clothes. That's all that needs to be described.

"Again Snake, thank you so much for doing this. We promise to pay you by the hour!" Lucina offered.

"Of course, but we'll worry about that later. So where's the ki...I mean where's Morgan?" Snake asked.

"Oh yes! I'm so sorry! MORGAN!" Lucina yelled, "Your babysitter is here! Come say hello!"

The teenage girl walked down the stairs and looked at Snake. But the way she looked at him was quite unsettling.

"Morgan, this is Mr. Snake. Say hello to him." Robin insisted.

Morgan didn't respond for a good amount of seconds...uh five, yeah, let's go with five. She didn't respond for five seconds. But after five seconds sheunenthusiastically said "Hey." But she didn't stop giving him that hostile glare. Snake was not scared of her though! He had seen over a thousand stares in his lifetime and this one was not foreign to him! She was giving him the old "I'm going to throw a dagger at this chump bitch once my parents leave and he turns his back" look. And so he decided to not look away from her.

"Mr. Snake will be taking care of you while your father and I are out. So be nice ok." Lucina requested of her daughter.

"Ok..." Morgan replied with no fucks given.

"Great! We'll be back in a couple of hours." Robin said. And with that, they were gone.

* * *

Snake and Morgan glared at each other for a solid minute. Morgan was curious as to why Snake had not moved an inch since he'd seen her. She was waiting for him to turn his back, so she could throw her dagger at him. She had a history of doing this to her babysitters. Now Morgan wasn't a monster. She didn't murder her babysitters and keep their corpses in her room. She would merely maim, hospitalize, or cripple them from the waist down.

"So...are you gonna get settled...relax or something?" Morgan asked.

"I'm good thanks. I just don't feel comfortable doing so." Snake beat around the bush.

"Why's that?" Morgan asked, itching to throw that damn knife.

Snake didn't want to play any bullshit mind games so he just decided to be frank with the girl.

"I know you have a knife. Why don't you put it down, and we can get along?" Snake put bluntly.

Morgan was somewhat shocked and impressed that he had figured her out. That didn't mean she wasn't going to stop playing dumb.

"I don't know what you're talking about." she sneered.

"Stop lying to me kid! I know you got a blade. Now drop it!" Snake demanded without raising his voice.

"Don't call me "kid"!" She angrily shouted.

"Ok! Fine, I'm sorry! Let me try that again." he said, obeying her simple order.

"Now Morgan, would you please drop the throwing knife that you have on you? I know you don't like me, and I'm not really thrilled about watching over you, but that doesn't mean we can't get along. Hell, we don't even have to talk to each other. So please...put the knife down." Snake negotiated.

Morgan realized that this man wasn't going to quit with this. He knew she had a knife and he wasn't moving until she dropped it. So she gave into his request.  
"Ok...fine." She moaned as she revealed her dagger and dropped it onto the ground.

"Thank you!" Snake said and turned to put up his coat.

Now was the time to see if he knew she had a spare one. At lightning speed, Morgan withdrew her second knife from its sheath and threw it at Snake's back with pinpoint accuracy. Snake wasn't expecting her to have a second knife, but his heightened reflexes made him all but helpless. He quickly did a side roll just in the nick of time. The knife would not be tasting Snake's flesh on this day. It did however, damage his favorite jacket.

"Damn it!" Morgan yelled in frustration. Never before had she missed her target when it came to throwing knives.

"Well fuck you too kid!" Snake taunted. He may have won this round, but this was only the beginning of the hardships that come with babysitting Morgan.

* * *

Morgan had homework to do, and Snake was going to make sure that she did it. She did her homework at the kitchen table and Snake was sitting across from her. Morgan looked across the table and saw her spell book. She looked at it with a devious grin on her face."Hey Snake, can you hand me that textbook right there?" She asked innocently.

Snake looked took a look at the spell book, not knowing what it actually was. It didn't have a title on it, or any words from what he saw. But he didn't think much of it.  
"Sure, here you go." he said handing her the book. "What subject is that book for? Math, Literiture?"

His question was met with him being struck by lightning summoned by Morgan with the book.  
"I think of it as art more than anything!" She laughed.

Damn kid...

* * *

A couple hours passed by and Snake continued to fall victim to Morgan's pranks/torture. She at one point tricked him into falling down a pitfall she had set up. However after awhile Snake began to notice that the attempts on his well being stopped. He didn't believe for a second that it was because she got bored of it, he knew something was wrong. He went up to Morgan's room. He saw that the door was slightly open and all the lights were off. But he heard sniffling...and a little bit of crying.

"Teenagers..." Snake thought to himself in frustration. He turned on his codec and called Nana.

"Hello Snake! What's up?" Nana answered.

"Nana, you were a teenage girl at one point right?" Snake asked.

Nana was dumbstruck by the impossibly stupid question that was asked.

"Of course you were!" Snake answered for her.  
"Anyway, the girl is quietly crying in her room. And even though she's constantly tried and succeeded at inflict massive amounts of pain on me...I feel..."

"You feel what Snake?" Nana asked.

"I don't know! Like...I need to do something about it! I can't just have her crying when she gets home. I'd actually feel pretty shitty if I did that...plus we wouldn't get paid!" he explained.

"Maybe you should talk to her Snake...I don't know! Why the hell are you calling me again? Just do something!" Nana yelled.

"Nana wait!"

She hung up just as he said that. He decided to take her up on her advice. He just hope she wouldn't try to murder him as soon as he stepped in her room.

He walked into the girl's room and turned the lights on. He saw Morgan curled up in her bed with used tissues and a face full of tears.  
"Uh...Morgan?" Snake uncomfortably called to her.

"What do you want?" she asked while sobbing. Her tone wasn't hostile, and she wasn't throwing weapons at him, so Snake assumed it was ok for him to talk with her.

"What's wrong? Is there something you need to get off your chest? Cause, you can talk to me." He expressed concern.

**"**Why do you care?" Morgan asked with genuine curiosity.

"Fuck...I don't know, it's the right thing to do. You don't just leave people crying...at least I don't think you should..." Snake rambled.

"I just...I just wish I could get my memory back." She began to explain.

"You have amnesia?" he asked.

"Yep. I really don't know all that much about myself. I want to know where I'm from, the things that happened in my original timeline, or even what my original timeline is."

"Yeah...when the space time continuum is tampered with or when time travel is introduced into a series, things become real confusing for everybody involved." Snake explained.

"Does your series have time travel?" Morgan asked.

"No not really. I've just seen a lot of series try to implement it and fuck it up."

"But I'm not worried about whether my series does time travel well or not! I want my memory back so I can know who I am." she explained.

"Oh...well in that case I have advice for you. Stop." Snake firmly stated.

Morgan looked at him puzzled. What did he mean by that, she wondered.

"You see I had a friend named Naomi...wait should I say friend? I'm not sure, I don't think friends inject each other with incurable lethal viruses." Snake began rambling.

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked.

"Nothing! Anyway Naomi didn't know much about herself. She wasn't even sure what her real name was. So she spent damn near most of her life searching for her past. She discovered a few things, but it never was enough. She never really felt content. I'm sorry to say but I think it will be the same way for you. As long as you continue to go on this "quest for the truth", you're never going to find what you're really looking for, and thus you'll never truly be happy." Snake explained.

"Well if that's the case, what should I do?" Morgan asked.

"Just stop fretting over the past. Instead of trying to figure out what you were in the past, don't you think it'd be better if you tried to understand who you are now? Let your current actions be what defines your identity. I believe we should all try to become the best possible version of ourselves that we can...and then die. Does that make sense kid?" he asked.

"Yeah. I mean that last part was a morbid way to put it but yeah, I think I understand. Thank you Mr. Snake. I'm sorry that I tried to kill you."

"No you're not." Snake humorously remarked as they both had a good laugh.

* * *

After speaking with her, the animosity between Snake and Morgan was gone. The rest of the night went by just fine. No knives were thrown, and no spells were cast. Snake had made a deal with Morgan that he would do her homework for her if she fixed his jacket. Yeah, he didn't forget about that. It's his favorite jacket, he wasn't leaving the house until that jacket was stitched. It was about 1:30AM when Snake heard Robin and Lucina return. They opened the door and for some reason were mildly surprised.

"Oh wow! You're still here! Are you injured?" Robin nervously asked.

"No...I'm fine, why are you guys so shocked about this?" Snake questioned.

"Snake...we must apologize to you. We lied to you...Morgan is actually quite a troublemaker, and she usually does horrible things to her babysitters." Lucina admitted.

"Oh really! Could of fooled me!" he lied in order to make his performance sound better than it actually was.

"Where is Morgan right now?" Robin asked.

"She's asleep. And she got all her homework done." Snake explained.

"By the gods! You're incredible Snake!" Lucina praised. "Robin, you must pay him double for his outstanding performance!"

"I won't argue with that!" Robin agreed. He handed Snake 1000 gold, the currency of fire emblem.

* * *

And so Snake was able to add another job well done to his list. He went to work the next day and let everyone know about the good news. He split the gold equally amongst the group. Snake went to Popo's office after his lunch break to look into to his next assignment.

"Alright Popo what have you got for me?" Snake asked.

"Well boss, we received a large amount of request while you were gone. So I decided to split them between you, Wolf and Red. I hope you're ready because I've got you assigned for two jobs." Popo explained.

"I think I can handle it. Fire away." Snake requested.

"Captain Falcon needs some help repairing his ship. And by "help" he means you're going to have to repair the whole thing." Popo said causing Snake's confidence to drop a little.

"Well what's the other job?"

"Samus needs help dealing with Metroids. She specifically asked for your assistance. You're really good at murdering things so you'll probably have some fun with that one." Popo snickered.

"Alright then...shouldn't be too much trouble." Snake thought to himself.

* * *

**Thanks to for filling me in on some of the Fire Emblem lore. Hope I did an ok job writing a story with a character whose backstory I'm not familiar with.**

**Sonic '06 was really bad by the way.**


	6. Falcon, Samus, & Rosalina

"Ok, two jobs on my list for tomorrow. Gotta figure out how I'm going to handle them." Snake thought to himself while he was getting ready to sleep in his office.  
"I gotta repair Captain Falcon's ship, and I gotta help Samus kill Metroids. I'm good at killing things, that's for certain. But repairing things is something else."

Snake needed to learn about repairing vehicles in less than 24 hours. How in the world was he going to do such a task? I don't know! He decided it'd be best to look to someone with experience in operating vehicles and other machines. Wolf was a pilot, that's counts for something. He got out of his thinking chair (he has one chair for thinking and another one for sleeping. It's weird...I don't...) and headed to Wolf's office. He heard snoring in the office, but Snake didn't really care if he needed to wake up a wolf who when startled could quickly and efficiently rip the flesh from his body.

"Hey Wolf? You got a minute?" Snake asked loudly as he turned the lights on.  
"Dammit Snake! What the hell do you want?" Wolf angrily responded.  
"You wouldn't happen to have anything that could teach me how to repair vehicles would you?" he questioned.

Wolf looked quite surprised that he said that. He got up from his chair, which is used for both sleeping and thinking, and went to his bookshelf.

"You're in luck, it just so happens that I do." Wolf answered as he pulled a book from the shelf.

He handed it over to Snake. Snake looked at the cover, and it read "_Solving Practical Problems: A Quick and Easy Way to Fix Machines_". The author was Dell Conagher, who was the engineer for Builder's League United (BLU) mercenary group in the 70's. Basically he's an engineer from Team Fortress 2. Wolf then demanded Snake to get out of his office, and Snake did as such. He went back to his office and began reading the book. In less than 5 minutes, he was finished with the book.

"That's really all I need? A monkey wrench?" Snake wondered, questioning the possibility of fixing things just by hitting them with a wrench. He dismissed this thought, and decided to go through with it. It was certainly better than going over to Captain Falcon and telling him he can't repair his ship. So he packed up a monkey wrench for the job for Captain Falcon, and a rail gun for the job with Samus. And with that he went to sleep in his sleeping chair.

* * *

The next morning, Popo, Nana, Lucas and Red were having breakfast in the lobby, with Popo having a heated argument with the group.

"I'm telling you guys it's the truth! There is no way Mario is a real doctor!" Popo claimed.

"Come on Popo! You need to stop making up these conspiracy theories." Nana argued with her husband.

"Don't get me wrong Popo, we all agree with you that it's pretty arrogant of him to take up two spots on the roster, but I don't think you need to question his credibility as a doctor." Red stated.

"Would you just think about it? First of all, what kind of doctor enters a tournament where you win by beating the shit out of other people? Ever heard of "Do no harm."? I mean sure, I can see him being a ref, a basketball player, a baseball player, and an Olympic athlete. But you actually need to go through years of education to be a freaking doctor! Have any of you actually seen his doctorate?" Popo questioned.

The group was silent, suggesting that no, they have not seen a doctorate from "Doctor" Mario that actually qualifies him as being a doctor.

"Yeah! I thought not!" Popo taunted.

Snake had then entered the lobby and was just about to leave the building and head to Captain Falcon's place. Popo stopped him before he got to the door.

"Oh hey Snake! Sorry to bother you, but just last night I got a last minute job for you." he informed.

"Are you shitting me Popo?!" Snake yelled in fury about to strangle the little man."Woah woah woah! RELAX! It's just helping Rosalina go grocery shopping! I SWEAR!" Popo panicked in an attempt to protect his well being.

Snake was relieved to hear that it was a trivial task. "Oh...ok then." He calmly said and left the building.

Snake drove to Captain Falcon's estate. Falcon's home was quite exquisite and expensive, but it's not surprising given that he's a F-Zero racing champion and a bounty hunter. He parked in the front of his house, and Captain Falcon was waiting for him there.

"Hey! How're you doing Snake?" Falcon greeted and shook Snake's hand.

"Doing good. I'd like to stay and chat but I've got two other jobs booked, so I need to get your car fixed as fast as possible." Snake said.

"That's alright. Come with me, the cars in my garage." Falcon said.

Falcon showed Snake to his garage. Inside was his prized vehicle, the Blue Falcon. This high-tech race car had won Falcon numerous F-Zero Grand Prix. The idea of his beloved vehicle being broken pained him.

"So what's the problem?" Snake asked.

"It's the engine. It just won't work and I'm not sure why. And listen, I know you need to make this quick, but I still want you to focus on this and not accidental break something else." Falcon requested.

"Don't worry, that won't be a problem." Snake answered and took out his monkey wrench.

**WHACK! POW! BAM!  
**

"THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Falcon screamed.

"I'm fixing the car. Now I'm going to turn the engine on and see if that worked." Snake said and got in the car.

"You just smacked my car with a god damn wrench! How's that going to..."

Snake turned the keys and the engine started, sounding good to go.

"Wow that actually worked." Snake thought.

He threw the keys to an shocked Falcon. "K thanks bye." Snake said and left.

* * *

With that job being done quicker than he had expected, Snake got back into his car. He called Lucas up on the phone.

"Hey Lucas, can you let Popo know that I finished fixing Captain Falcon's car? I need him to send him the bill." Snake explained.

"Sure thing Mr. Snake! Anything else?" Lucas asked.

"No, that's it kid. How're you doing by the way?" Snake asked.

"I'm doing great sir! I'm glad you put me in charge of this PR thing! I hope I'm doing a good job." Lucas reported with enthusiasm in his voice.

"You're doing good kid. I haven't received any complaints, and from what I hear our company is getting a good reputation. Keep it up. Also don't forget, I you catch Popo drinking you have me and Nana's permission to freeze him or set him on fire. We're trying to get him to quit."

"Can do sir! Goodbye!" Lucas said before they ended the call. Now it was time for the second job of the day. Killing Metroids with Samus.

* * *

Snake met up with Samus at the location he was given. It was an abandoned factory from the looks of it.  
"Hey Snake, thanks for coming." Samus said.

"Yeah no problem. So what's the plan? What are we doing, what are we shooting?" he asked.

"I've been hired to eliminate any Metroids that from what the intel given to me suggests, are in this facility." She began briefing him.

"Alright, but why exactly do you need me to come along? Killing alien life forms is more of your department. I thought you're a strong independent woman who don't need no man to kill Metroids." Snake teased.

"Hey you bet your ass I am!" She laughed. "But seriously, I don't think that Metroids are the only things that are in this factory."

"You think it might be Space Pirates?"

"That's not a bad guess. So I have you here cause it never hurts to have backup."

"Well don't worry I got you covered." Snake confirmed.

"Oh shit! I should of told you in advance that weapons that use bullets aren't exactly effective against what we're going up against." she realized.  
Snake pulled out his rail-gun, out of wherever he keeps his equipment.  
"Don't worry, I think I'll be fine." He said.

"Ok good. Let's move in."

* * *

The two of them entered the factory and the assignment was under way. The room was quite large and full of cargo containers, and broken down machines. Samus moved with her arm cannon at the ready, while examining the area. Snake scouted the room as well, although doing so with the use of stealth as is his specialty. He stuck to the shadows, moving in dark areas, peeking from around corners.  
"Do you really have to be so slow?" Samus asked, feeling that Snake was falling behind.

"I don't have power armor, so I don't think I'd do to well if the enemy got the first shot on me. Sorry, but unless you got room for two in that suit of yours, this is how I'm going to operate." Snake retorted.

Samus sighed with frustration but understood where he was coming from. Snake doesn't have the ability to tank through gunfire like she does. The continued moving through the room. Several minutes went by, and nothing was seen or heard in the area. But then...  
"Samus! Look over there!" Snake ordered while keeping his voice down.

She zoomed in with her visor's binocular feature and saw a group of metroids all kept and secured in pods.  
"This place looks like a laboratory to me. And it has Metroids, so that's bad right?" Snake asked.

"Yes Snake, this is bad. Someone is probably looking to use these as bio-weapons." Samus answered.

"Ok just making sure...so should we shoot them..."

Samus quickly killed all of the Metroids before Snake could ready his weapon.  
"Yes." She said.

"Well, mission accomplished! Looks like you didn't need me after all." Snake laughed.

And then they started getting shot from multiple directions. They took cover behind one of the cargo containers.

"Space Pirates!" Samus shouted.

"Of course it wasn't going to be that easy!" Snake moaned.

"Just start shooting Snake!" Samus yelled.

"OK! You got it!"

A large firefight commenced. The shootbangs were going all over the place, and many violences were happening. Samus went "bang bang" with her arsenal of weapons, and Snake went "pew pew" with his rail-gun. Being that they are integral to the story they of course eventually won the battle.  
"Well, that wasn't so hard. You all right?" Samus asked.

"Yeah I'm good. Are we done here are can we go now?" Snake asked.

"NOPE!" a loud, echoing voice yelled from above. The two of them looked up and saw Ridley, the Space Pirate commander, land in front of them.

"Hey ya guys! How ya doing" Ridley** (imagine his voice being like Slowbeef and Diabetus from Retsuprae do it).**

"Ridley! You son of bitch!" Samus yelled.

"Haven't you killed this guy? Like, not just once but several times, and I mean several freaking times?" Snake asked.

"What can I say? I don't go down easy! Don't get me wrong though, sometimes I actually wish I would stay dead, because MAN! Near death experiences really fucking hurt if ya know what I'm sayin'!" Ridley rambled.

"Tell me about it..." Snake agreed, thinking of his multiple game overs.

"Snake! Shut up and me kill this idiot!" Samus ordered.

"Oh right!"

They both fired at Ridley, who used his speed to avoid their attacks. He landed behind both of them and smacked them with the back of his hand, knocking them off their feet and sending them flying across the room.  
"YEAH! TOO FAST BABY! SONIC AIN'T SHIT COMPARED TO ME!" Ridley taunted.

"Damn that guy is big!" Snake said as he struggled back to his feet.

"Yeah no shit! When did you figure that out?" Samus sarcastically remarked.

"No what I mean is...he's really fucking big! Why do so many people think he should of been on the roster! He'd take up almost half of Final Destination!" Snake spouted "his" opinion on the subject.

"Snake...let's just kill him and go home." She urged.

"If by kill you mean incapacitate and leave heavily injured so he can come back and fight you sometime in the future, then yeah let's do that."

"Hey are we still fightin' or what! **AAAAAAAAAH!**" Ridley shrieked as he was blasted by a plasma beam and a rail gun consecutively.  
"OH! I'm actually surprised Samus! I thought you needed Adam's permission to use any of ya weapons!" Ridley taunted. This enraged Samus, as she began shooting a barrage of missiles at him. The each missile hit the Space Pirate Commander, but didn't stop him from moving as he began walking towards Samus. After getting close enough, he grabbed Samus and held her up to eye level with him.  
"Hey remember that time in Subspace Emissary where I grabbed you and grinded you against the wall? I really enjoyed that! Let's do it again!" Ridley evilly laughed.

"NOPE!" Snake yelled and shot Ridley with his mysterious musket. The bullet hit Ridley but didn't damage him. But that's because it wasn't supposed to, instead it created a tornado under Ridley's feet that lifted him up in the air and drop Samus safely on the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!" Ridley screamed as the tornado threw him through the ceiling.

Snake helped Samus up to her feet.

"Thanks alot, but how did you do that?!" Samus asked.

"With this." he said and showed her the musket.

"You did it with a musket..."

"Yep."

"As in, the rifles that they used in the 1700's? The one's that took forever to reload?"

"Yep."

They were both silent, with Samus unable to comprehend Snake using a rifle from the Revolutionary War to create a tornado.

"You want to get out of here now?" Snake asked.

She gave up trying to figure it out and just went with it. "Yeah sure."

* * *

After emerging victorious from the battle with Ridley, Snake and Samus returned to the city and Samus gave Snake his share of the bounty.

"Thanks Snake. I'll give you another call if I ever need help killing stuff." Samus laughed.

"Anytime Ms. Murder." Snake joked as they shook hands.

Snake returned to his vehicle and checked the job off of his to do list. Now's it was down to one last thing. Helping Rosalina with grocery shopping. Shouldn't be too hard. At least, that's what it looked like on paper. He arrived at the grocery store and began looking for her. He saw a tall woman in a blue dress waiting outside as well, so he assumed it was her. He went up to her to introduce himself.

"Excuse me ma'am." he began.

"Oh, yes?" she replied.

"Are you Rosalina?" he asked.

"Well yes sir. Who are you though?" she asked.

"Hi, I'm Solid Snake. I was told you called my company because you needed some help with something?" Snake said introducing himself in the most professional way he could think of.

"Yes! Hello Mr. Snake, it's nice to meet you. I almost forgot that I called in for your assistance." the Cosmic traveler explained.

"Right, if I remember correctly, you needed my help with...grocery shopping? I'm in no position to ask questions, but it seems like a pretty trivial task. So why exactly do you need help with shopping?" he asked.

"Well...technically it's not the shopping that's the problem..."

"_Oh great, here comes the catch!"_ Snake thought.

"See, I'm new to this area and I don't know where everything is located very well. Everyone's been too busy to help, so I thought you could show me where everything is in the store. Also I'm not a very good shopper." she admitted.

"Oh...that's it?" he asked being surprised that there wasn't a annoying task that he wasn't told about. "Well then yeah, I can help you with that. I'm not the best shopper either, but I'm really good with food so I can help you pick that out!"

"Oh great! Let's get started!" Rosalina cheered.

* * *

They entered the super market known as the Mart of the Wall, filled with groceries, goods, and overworked, underpaid employees. Rosalina was amazed at how big the place was.

"Welcome to the Mart of the Wall...hope you rot in hell." The store greeter said to the two of them.

"Well that was awfully rude, why was he being so hostile?" Rosalina wondered.

"It's because he's a greeter. Not a great job. Anyway, what's first on the list Rosalina?" Snake asked.

"Well first I need to get some milk, would that be in the drink section?" She asked.

"Actually milk is in the dairy section. It needs to be kept cool and fresh, so it's the freezers. I'll show you where it is."

Snake brought her to the dairy section, and showed her where the milk was. There was a wide variety of milk, and Rosalina didn't know what would be the best choice.

"Gosh Snake, there's so many choices, but I only need one gallon."

"Do you want me to make a suggestion?" He asked.

"Yes please!" she requested.

"I usually go with Lon Lon Milk. It taste real good and isn't too expensive." Snake explained.

"YEAH! LON LON MILK 4 LYFE! GOOD CHOICE BRO!" Link yelled from a distance.

"Link! Be quiet!" Zelda ordered.

Ignoring that sudden outburst, Rosalina put the Lon Lon Milk into the grocery cart.

"Ok, item number 2 is...pasta noodles and spaghetti sauce. Maybe I should ask Mario..."

"Nope!" Snake cut her off.

"What? What's wrong?" She asked.

"Don't get Mario's opinion, get Luigi's opinion. I'd trust the man in green with my life." he claimed.

"Well if you say so. But why don't you trust Mario?" she questioned.

"I'm not a huge fan of the guy, I think he's a little bit of an ego-maniac. Also I'm not even sure if he's a real doctor." Snake told her.

While not exactly sharing Snake's opinion of the famous plumber who does everything but actually being a plumber, she trusted Snake on this matter and they picked out Luigi's preferred brand of pasta. The next item on Rosalina's shopping list was meat. The two of them headed to the area of the store where all the meat was kept.

"Well if there's any type of food that I sure know a lot about, it would be meat!" Snake proudly stated.

"Great! So what should I get?

Snake looked in the freezer and saw the last pack of his favorite meat brand named "Jean-Jack Gibson's Buffalo Meat Special".

"Oh yeah! And it's the last one!" Snake rejoiced holding the package. While his guard was down, the infamous thief of the Mushroom Kingdom, peeked from around the corner and prepared to snatch the meat right from Snake's hands.

"Snake! Watch out!" Rosalina alerted Snake.

Nabbit jumped at Snake, who thanks to Rosalina's warning, turned to the thief just in time and hit him with a powerful left hook.

"FUCK!" Nabbit shouted as the punch threw him against the wall.

"That was close! Thanks Rosalina! Are we ready to check out now?" Snake asked.

"Yes we are!" Rosalina cheered.

"Great, let's get going."

As they waited in the check-out line, Rosalina decided to start a conversation with Snake.

"I just wanted to thank you again for helping me with this." She said expressing her gratitude.

"Well, it is my job. But I'm glad I could help, and I definitely enjoyed this more than the other jobs I've done." Snake smiled.

"I had heard a lot of people say different things about you. Many people said you come off as cold, callous, and cynical."

"Well they certainly weren't wrong to think that. I believe I was very much like that a couple of years ago. I've been trying to act more positive towards people and life in general and I hope I've at least made some progress in doing so." Snake told her.

"Well I believe it's safe to say you have. Despite having the name of a reptile, you're actually quite polite." Rosalina laughed.

"Thank you." Snake laughed.

They got to the check out. When all the items were checked out, Rosalina was horrified to see that she didn't have the money to pay for the groceries.

"Oh god! I can't believe this! Damn!" Rosalina cursed.

"Don't worry Rosalina, we'll figure something out!" Snake tried to comfort her. As he said that, a thunderous sound came from behind them. They turned and saw Ridley crashed through the ceiling of the store.

"Too bad...that didn't kill me...Immortality sucks..." Ridley muttered before passing out.

"Jeez, the tornado must of carried him for miles!" Snake observed. Snake saw something on what appeared to be Ridley's pockets. He searched and found his wallet. Yeah, he has a wallet don't judge.

"Hope you don't mind if I borrow a couple of bucks from ya buddy." Snake mocked as he took money from Ridley's wallet and used it to pay for the groceries.

* * *

Snake and Rosalina left the Mart of the Wall, with Rosalina thrilled that they were able to pay for the groceries. She hugged (**A friendly one! Call it fluff if you want, but there is no pairing here! Not in my canon!) **Snake and thanked him repeatedly.

"Thank you so much Snake. Here, I want you to have this." She said and handed Snake the meat he picked out at the grocery store.

"But...that's for you isn't it?" Snake asked in confusion.

"Well I actually bought it to be your reward for helping me. I just needed the other things." She told him.

"You're awesome! Thanks Rosalina. If you ever need help again, you know who to call..." Snake said as he and Rosalina parted ways.

"GHOST BUSTERS!" Pit yelled appearing from out of the blue.

"Awww! Fuck you Pit! I had a feeling someone was going to make that stupid reference!" Snake scolded the young angel.

"Gee! I'm sorry Snake!" Pit apologized. Snake sighed and calmed himself down.

"Never mind, what do you want kid?" he asked.

"I'm here on behalf of Palutena."

"Palutena? Your goddess? What does she want?"

"She wishes to ask a favor of you." Pit explained.

"I have a business for that reason, and I thought that we made it clear that if someone needs a favor, they call the company." Snake responded.

"But she wishes to speak with you personally. She doesn't feel comfortable asking someone else over the phone." Pit added.

"_Doesn't look like this kid is going to give up." _He thought. "Alright, tell her to come meet me in my office tomorrow morning."

* * *

**Ok, whoever is the first to find the Snatcher reference gets a high five.**


	7. Palutena

**Hello everyone. Just wanted to say thank you for reading, and thank you everyone for reviewing and for making suggestions.**

**"**I don't understand Snake!" The Villager complained over the phone. "Why would people think I'm a serial killer? I'd kill anybody!"  
"I know you wouldn't man. It's just that..." Snake hesitated.  
"What? What is it? I need you to be honest with me Snake." Villager pleaded.  
"It's just that it looks very suspicious that you're very skilled in using a shovel and an axe. Axes are good for murdering people, and shovels are good for burying bodies." Snake told him.  
"Oh god you're right!" Villager panicked.  
"Hey, hey, hey don't get worked up over it! I'm going to get Lucas to help you out. He's real good with PR and he should be able to convince people that you're no murderer." Snake said assuringly.  
"Ok. Thank you Snake."  
"Just to clarify, you're not a serial killer right?" Snake asked.  
"NO!" Villager screamed.  
"OK! Just checking. Goodbye." Snake said and hung up. After finishing his phone call, there was knocking at the door to his office.  
"Come in."  
The door opened, and Palutena entered the office.  
"Good morning Mr. Snake." she greeted.  
"Good morning Palutena. Please, have a seat." Snake said.  
Rather than sitting on the physical object, Palutena used her powers and levitated while being in a sitting position. Snake was slightly annoyed with this. He paid good money for those chairs and didn't want them to go to waste. For now he decided to let this slide.  
"All right let's talk business." He began. "Why couldn't you call Popo regarding the job. Why did you need to personally meet with me?"  
"Well...the job I wish to ask of you is a rather odd one. It's one I feel only you could understand." she explained.  
"Go on." Snake requested.  
"I was talking with Lucina the other day. She told me about how you did a good job in taking care of Morgan. But she also talked about you're fascination with cardboard boxes."  
"What exactly are you getting at?" he questioned.  
"I've been told that you believe the meaning of life can be found in a cardboard box. I...I wish to know the powers of a cardboard box." She admitted.  
Snake was stunned. He had never imagined someone would ask of him a major task such as this.  
"You're not fucking with me right? You're serious about this?" he asked for confirmation.  
"I'm completely serious." Palutena assured him.  
"Very well then."  
Snake locked the door to his office with 5 different locks. He sure nobody would be able to get in. The secrets of the cardboard box is a very serious matter that cannot be heard by just any mere being. He pulled out a cardboard box from his closet. It was big enough to fit two people. He lifted the cardboard box above his head.  
"Ok, come with me now." Snake requested of her.  
Somewhat confused, Palutena walked over to Snake. He lowered himself to the ground and she did the same. They were now under the cardboard box.  
"Now people don't believe me when I explain the powers the cardboard box holds. I can understand why, it is a very strange thing to claim. But I'm glad that you were able to dismiss any doubts from your head and seek knowledge of the cardboard box. Are you ready Palutena?" Snake asked.  
"Yes...yes I'm ready." she confidently claimed.  
"Ok, let's begin. Now I need you to close your eyes and count to three. Once you've reached three, you may open your eyes."  
The goddess closed her eyes. One...two...three! She opened her eyes and was amazed to see that they were in a large, beautiful room.  
"My goodness! Snake, where are we?" She asked.  
"This my lady, is my sanctuary." Snake proudly claimed.  
"This is incredible! How did you do this?" Palutena asked.  
"I didn't do anything, it was all the box's doing. We've become one with the box." he stated. A refrigerator materialized right in front of him, and he opened it to get a beverage.  
"Would you like a drink?" Snake offered.  
"Did you just make that fridge appear?" the lady asked looking stunned.  
"Yeah. We can make just about anything appear inside the box." he told her.  
"We?" Palutena asked him.  
"That's right, both of us can make what we want inside the box using our will power. Go ahead and try it." Snake insisted.  
Palutena closed her eyes, and focused. Feeling somewhat hungry, she materialized an octopus meal in front of her.  
"I did it!" Palutena cheered.  
"Octopus? You like octopus?" He asked.  
"Well yes. I know it's not on many people's list of favorite foods, but I really like it. You don't think I'm weird do you?" she asked.  
"Of course not. I'll eat just about anything, and octopus is pretty tasty. Can I have some?" Snake requested. Palutena was rather surprised with his reaction. Not many people shared her opinion of octopus being a delicacy.  
"Well sure! Let's eat."

And so Snake and Palutena sat at the table enjoying their octopus meal. It tasted great to them and enjoyed every bite.  
"That was some good stuff." Snake said feeling stuffed.  
"Agreed."  
"Now, what else do you want to see from the box."  
"I don't know...can it teleport?"  
"You bet it can he told her."  
"Are you serious?"  
"I am. Now take my hand." Snake said and offered his hand to her. She was somewhat reluctant, being confused about the request, but never the less she held his hand.  
"Think about where you want to go, and then tell me when you're ready." Snake explained to her.  
After taking a moment to think, she told Snake that she was ready.  
"**BOX POWERS ACTIVATE!"** Snake shouted. A bright light shined and Palutena turned away from it and closed her eyes. When she opened her eyes, they were in Skyworld.  
"Oh my goodness! You actually did it!" She excitingly said.  
"Yep! Box powers are the shit! High five!" Snake yelled. In her excitement, she did not leave Snake hanging and gave him a high five. Palutena is a true bro.  
They got out of the box and Snake folded it and put it the bottomless pit known as his inventory. Palutena chose not to bother asking him how he carries all of his possessions.  
"I don't know much about this place. Care to give me a tour?" He asked.  
"Why certainly!" Palutena smiled.  
For the next hour, Palutena brought Snake sightseeing around the wonderful land of Skyworld. Along the way, Snake spotted an individual who looked rather familiar.  
"Hey Palutena, isn't that Pit?" He asked her. She turned to look and saw that it was not Pit, but his doppleganger Dark Pit.  
"Why is he dressed in black? Is he a goth now? Going through one of those phases?" Snake rambled.  
"No Snake. That's Pit's doppleganger Dark Pit, or Pittoo." She explained to him.  
"Oh great, another "Dark" version of a hero character. How original." Snake complained.  
"Dark Pit!" Palutena shouted making her presence known to him. "What are you doing here?"  
"Oh hey Palutena, just hanging out. Who's that old man you got with you?" Dark Pit sneered.  
"Hey kid, you better learn to respect your elders." Snake ordered.  
"Oh yeah what are you going to do about it?" Dark Pit asked in an attempt to push Snake's buttons.  
"Snake just ignore him." Palutena suggested.  
"Don't worry, I got this." Snake assured her. "Look Goth Pit, I'm not looking for a fight."  
"Oh really? Well I happen to enjoy a good fight!" the fallen angel responded with a grin on his face.  
"Trust me kid, I got a secret weapon you don't stand a chance against." Snake said trying to convince the angel to concede.  
"Show me the weapon!" Dark Pit demanded.  
Snake pulled out a cardboard box tank. Dark Pit looked at the box and began laughing hysterically.  
"Fire." Snake muttered. The cardboard tank fired a heavy explosive shell at Dark Pit, sending him flying far off into the sky. Palutena was awestruck on seeing what had just occured.  
"Cardboard boxes can be used for combat?"  
"You don't even know the half of it." Snake laughed. "You ready to learn the meaning of life?"  
Palutena nodded "I'm ready."

They got back inside the box, and Snake showed Palutena what the meaning of life was. What is the meaning of life you ask? Gee, I don't fucking know, your guess is as good as mine. Snake then teleported them back to his office, and they got out of the cardboard box.  
"That was incredible Snake! I had so much fun! And then learning the meaning of life!" Palutena went on with excitement.  
"I always enjoy good quality box time. Anyway there's something I want to give you. Think of it as an early Christmas present." Snake smiled and handed her a box wrapped in gift wrap. Palutena was excited and ripped the gift wrap off of the box. The present was in fact, a cardboard box.  
"My very own cardboard box!" She cheered.  
"Merry Christmas. Whoa!" Snake responded as Palutena unexpectedly gave him a hug **(It's another friendly one...Please! Don't think of it as anything else.)**  
"Thank you so much Snake! Is there any way I can repay you?" Palutena asked.  
"Just be sure to take care of the box. Don't get it wet. Take care of the box...and the box will take care of you. Don't be rough either, be gentle with it. Treat it with love, okay?" Snake lectured her.  
"I will! Thank you!" Palutena smiled and left his office.  
Snake felt great after sharing the joy of cardboard boxes to another person. He sat down at his chair and relaxed. "I love this job..."


	8. Link

Lucas was holding a press conference at the park in Smashville in an attempt to put the rumors of the Villager being a serial killer to rest.  
"Ladies and gentlemen…" he began "I can assure you that my good friend the villager is no murderer. He's a good man, and a good mayor. Did you know that he frequently makes donations to our wonderful museum. Things such as fossils, fish, bugs and paintings that he could sell for a good pay, he gives away for free for the public. My friend is also a philanthropist, and he has put massive amounts of funds towards public work projects. Things such as bridges, a Police station, a Reset Surveillance Center, the Villager has funded. These rumors that he is a murderer are absolutely false. There is no logical reason to think they are true, especially since there haven't been a string of murders going on. I rest my case, and I hope you will all change your view of my good friend the villager." Lucas ended. Surprisingly, most of the crowd gave him a big round of applause.

"That' a boy Lucas!" Snake said proudly watching the press conference from a distance. Snake's codec began to ring. The call was from Nana, so it was definitely business related.

"This is Snake…" He answered.

"Hey Snake, just wanted to let you know that there's some jobs for you to do. Why don't you come back to the office and I let you pick them out." Nana said.  
"Sounds good, I'm on my way." He answered and ended the call.

* * *

Back at the business office, Leon Powalski, Wolf's former comrade from Star Wolf, was there visiting with Wolf. They weren't having a very friendly conversation however.

"I cannot believe you decided to just drop everything and chose this line of work. You were a legendary mercenary! You were the damn commander of Star Wolf!" Leon chastised his former boss.

"Times have changed Leon. I got bored of the work, what else can I say. Besides, the work here pays better." Wolf explained.

"Even if that is true, you're never going to feel the thrill of combat doing work like this! And what about me and Panther?! You left us without a job! Now we're both struggling to get back on our feet!"

"Actually I checked in on Panther a couple of days ago and he's doing just fine. He used the money he made in Star Wolf to open a café, and it's pretty successful. You're the only one struggling because you're too much of an idiot to look for other work!" Wolf retorted. Leon grew furious and began charging at Wolf.

"I'll kill you!"

Snake walked to the entrance of his company building, but suddenly he saw Leon get thrown out of the window of Wolf's office and landed right in front of him. Snake paused for a moment, but then entered the building, not really caring about what just happened. He walked over to Nana, who was doing paperwork at her desk.

"Alright Nana, what've you got for me?" he asked.

"Well I've got two calls requesting your help. You know that guy Little Mac?" Nana said.

"That boxer from the Bronx who fought a bunch of racial stereotypes in the W.V.B.A?"

"That's the one. Anyway, he called in and asked if you could go over and help train him a little bit." Nana reported.

"Yeah sure, but doesn't he have a trainer already?"

"Doc Louis? Yeah he trains him, but he's a boxing trainer, and Louis told me that Mac needs help with something that only you can help him with."

"Hmm...that's interesting." Snake thought. "So what's the other job?"

"Uh well, Link called but he wasn't clear on what he needs your help with. He just told me that he needs to see you...and he sounded kind of worried over the phone." Nana said.

"Alright, I'll go figure out what Link needs, then I'll go help Little Mac." Snake stated and made his leave.

"Oh Snake wait!" Nana shouted to get him to stop.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Who're you going to bring to the Christmas party as your date?" Nana teased. Snake looked irritated when she asked him the question.

"Just get back to work."

* * *

Snake got into his car and began his drive to Hyrule, where he was to meet Link. Snake was a little concerned about this job, with Nana telling him that Link sounded worried over the phone. Link is the damn Hero of Time/Legend/Ages/god damn he's the hero of a lot of things. He's always been a brave individual and was never too worried about anything. After a short drive, Snake arrived at the land of Hyrule. He went over to Link's address and knocked on his door. The door opened and Link stood in front of him.

"Hey Snake, come on in." Link said inviting his guest. Snake stepped inside the house, with Link immediately closing the door and locking it with three different locks.

"Nobody was following you right?" Link blurted out.

"Uh...no..." Snake awkwardly answered.

"Are you sure?!"

"I'm pretty sure. Link what the fuck is wrong with you? You look paranoid."

"Snake...I think Ghirahim is stalking me."

"Ghirahim? Who the hell is Ghirahim?" Snake asked.

"He's a demon. More specifically the Demon Lord." Link informed him.

"Alright, I'll admit that sounds like a pretty intimidating title. But you've fought almost every monster one can think of. You've beaten Ganondorf and he's the damn King of Evil. Why are you scared of this guy?"

"I'm not really scared of him...it's just he really creeps the hell out of me." Link admitted.

"So what, he just keeps watching you? He doesn't try to kill you or anything?"

"Yeah that's right."

"Can you show me what the guy looks like?" Snake requested. Link handed Snake a picture of Ghirahim. Snake looked at the picture and what's shocked at what he was looking at.

"This guy...this androgynous looking mother fucker is the "Demon Lord"?!"

"Why is it so hard to believe?" Link asked with genuine curiosity. Snake looked at Link like he was stupid. He thought about trying to explain why, but decided against it. Apparently Link's view on what someone with the title "Demon King" should look like is very different from his.

"Ok so if this guy is stalking you, what do you want me to do about it?" Snake asked.

"I can't catch the guy! He's a sneaky bastard. But you're even better when it comes to stealth! I want you to catch him and get him to stop following me. Please Snake!" Link begged.

"Ok! Ok! If it's that big of a problem, I'll handle it." Snake assured him.

"Thank you Snake!" Link said with relief. "By the way Snake?"

"What is it?" Snake asked as he stopped.

"Who's going to be your date to the Christmas Party?" Link questioned. Snake sighed and was silent for several seconds.

"Shut up." He grumbled and left.

* * *

So it looked like it was time to catch a predator. A predator named Ghirahim. This would be so much easier if Chris Hansen was here, but he's not so Snake will just have to work with it. Link was right about one thing. Snake would be able to sneak up on Ghirahim and catch him off guard. But the problem was that he didn't know where the guy was. And even if he ended up finding him, what was he going to do t convince the guy to stop stalking Link. Snake decided that he needed information, and believed that the best place to get would be from Ganondorf. What better place to get information about an evil villain than from the King of evil himself. Hopefully he could catch the Gerudo in a good mood. He went over to Ganondorf's home and knocked on the front door. Immediately after he knocked, Ganondorf swung the door open and had his fist primed and ready to fuck someone up.

"GOT YOU! YOU LITTLE SHI-" Ganondorf stopped his punch, his hand right in front of Snake's face. "Oh...it's just you Snake." Ganondorf said and withdrew his fist.

"What the hell was that about?!" Snake asked with his heart racing from what just happened.

"I know for a fact that Bowser's fucking shit kids have been playing ding-dong ditch at my door. I was waiting for one of them to try it again and then punch their head off. Anyway, what the hell do you want?" Ganondorf asked.

"I wanted to ask you for some information on another villain from your series. I need to know how to stop him." Snake said to the King of Evil.

"Is that right? And why should I help you? What do I get out of this?"

"I'll give you these claymore mines that'll blow Bowser's kids up when they try to prank you." Snake offered and presented the mines to him. Ganondorf looked intrigued by the offer, and took the box of claymores.

"Alright, come on in."

Snake entered Ganondorf's humble abode. They went into the living room, and Ganondorf sat down on his luxurious chair. "Alright, so who's the villain?" Ganondorf asked getting straight to business.

"Do you know about someone named Ghirahim?" Snake asked.

"That androgynous motherfucker who thinks he can call himself the demon king?"

"I know right! That's exactly what I said." Snake expressed his agreement.

"Yeah I know about him, but why do you need to kill him? Does your little business also do assassinations?" Ganondorf laughed.

"Actually I don't need to kill him. He's stalking Link apparently, so Link hired me to stop him." Snake explained.

"Oh god! He's doing that shit again?"

"He's done this before?"

"Of course he has. He's stalked several people in the past. He was even stalking me a couple of months ago." Ganondorf said.

"Well how did you get him to stop?" Snake asked.

"If you want to know just how much of a damn creep that guy is, he stalks people purely for the thrill of the chance of being caught. He stalks people to see how long he can go before being caught." Ganon explained.

"So you have to spot him?"

"More specifically, you have to physically touch him. So do what I did and get the drop on him and then beat the shit out of him. Once you do that, he'll stop."

"Jeez, that guy really is a creep. Well alright, thanks for the info Ganon." Snake said and began to make his leave.

"Hey Snake? Who's you're date for the Christmas party?" Ganondorf asked and laughed.

_"What the hell? Why's he asking me that to?"_ Snake thought.

"I don't really care, I just asked because I've been told it pisses you off." Ganon taunted. Snake gave the King of Evil the middle finger and stormed off.

* * *

Late at night, Snake began his attempt to catch Ghirahim. He got Wolf's assistance and the two of them camped out near Link's house. Wolf had done some reconnaissance earlier and filled Snake in.

"So I set up a motion tracker, and throughout the day I kept getting readings that there's some activity on top of these buildings across from Link's house." Wolf explained.

"But from the looks of it, he doesn't stay in one place for too long. He moves to another building every hour, so you better go to the top of the right building."

"All right, sounds good. Thanks Wolf." Snake said.

"Hey Snake, you did see me throw Leon out of the window this morning didn't you?" Wolf asked.

"Yeah I saw that. What about it?"

"Are you going to yell at me about it? Am I in trouble?"

"No..." Snake answered while wondering why Wolf brought this up.

"Oh...ok then. See ya."

* * *

It was past midnight, the streets were pitch black, perfect for moving around without being detected. Snake was on top of the apartment building that was across the street from Link's house and he hid in the darkness. With his night-vision goggles equipped, Snake lied in wait for Ghirahim to show up. Sure enough, Ghirahim gracefully jumped from the adjacent building and landed on the roof of the apartment. Ghirahim then stood on the edge of the roof, looking down at the window of Link's house. Ghirahim would turn his head every now and then to check if someone was nearby. He wasn't able to see Snake, but if Snake decided to move in, the Demon King might hear him.  
"_Better make a distraction." _Snake thought. He pulled out an empty pistol magazine, and threw it. It landed behind Ghirahim, who heard the noise and became suspicious.

"Huh? What was that noise?" Ghirahim wondered and walked to where the sound came from to investigate. Snake quietly moved in, getting closer and closer. Ghirahim picked up the pistol magazine. Now he knew that someone was nearby, but before he could react...

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" Snake laughed as he tagged Ghirahim.

"Dammit! And I was so close to a personal best!" Ghirahim cried. Embarrassed, Ghirahim disappeared into the night.

* * *

Morning came and Snake arrived at Link's house and gave him the good news.

"Thank you Snake! Now I can get some damn sleep. Here, take this. You definitely earned it." Link said and gave Snake a bag with 999 Ruppees.

"It's my pleasure. If you need any help you know where to find me."

Snake went back to his car, and made a call on his codec.

"Hey, is this Little Mac? Yeah, just letting you know I'm on my way."


	9. Little Mac

Snake met with Little Mac at a local gym. Little Mac was in the middle of practicing with the Sandbag. From what Snake observed, he realized that this kid had heart. He had the fire of determination in his eyes. Oh, and he was also really strong. With a fierce uppercut, Little Mac sent the Sandbag flying through the window.

"Impressive." Snake complimented and made his presence known to the boxer.

"Thanks. Are you Snake?" Mac asked.

"That would be me." he confirmed.

"Good to meet you. Thanks for coming by the way." Mac said and shook Snake's hand.

"Not a problem. So Mac, what do you need from me?"

"Well, Doc had to go out of town, but before he left he said he wanted to work on my recovery." Little Mac explained.

"Recovery? As in getting back on the stage?" Snake questioned.

"Yep, that's it. He said to get you to help me with recovery, and maybe teach me some new moves."

"That sounds good. But from what I've heard, recovery seems to be outrageously easy this tournament. I saw a match the other day where Pit recovered from off the bottom of the screen with that up-special of his. How do you have trouble with it?" Snake asked.

"Well, I'm a boxer, not an air fighter." Mac told him.

"I guess that makes sense. I don't know if it can be that bad though. Anyway, put on these VR goggles. I'll put you through a series of VR missions designed to improve your skills." Snake explained and handed Little Mac a pair of VR goggles.

Mac slipped the goggles on and turned them on. The world around him changed to cyberspace, and he was standing on a virtual platform the resembled a stage. Snake was then digitally constructed right in front of him.

"For this exercise, you'll be doing some platforming. Try to see if you can follow me to the next platform using recovery." Snake explained to him. "Each platform will be more difficult to get to than the last one. Now let's begin."

* * *

The mission started and a platform spawned a small distance away from the stage. Snake got a running start and jumped onto the platform. Little Mac followed shortly, but had to double jump to get to the platform. Snake was mildly concerned that Mac needed to use his second jump for the first platform. The next platform appeared and Snake double jumped to land on it. Mac made it to the platform by the skin of his teeth. He had to double jump, then use his side special, the Jolt Haymaker (fucking awesome name for a move by the way) to grab the ledge of the platform.

"Alright, there are spikes below for this next one." Snake warned. "Though you won't actually be hurt, you'll still feel the pain."

Snake double jumped and grabbed the ledge of the platform and hoisted himself onto the surface. Little Mac...did not make it, and was horrible impaled on the spikes below. His digital body exploded, and a new one was created back on the next platform.

"Jeez, you weren't kidding when you said you're recovery was bad." Snake bluntly admitted. "How do you recover during your matches?"

* * *

They ended the VR session and Little Mac showed Snake replays of his previous matches. Snake had discovered what Mac's problem was. He was getting the shit gimped out of him. He just needed to be hit once when trying to recover, and he was done. Oh what's that? You're playing as Little Mac and your only a few feet away from the edge? Well fuck you, you're not getting back on.

"Good god kid, this is worse than I thought..." Snake sadly admitted.

"I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave, I'm a lost cause aren't I?" Little Mac sighed.

"NO! I am not giving up on you! You got heart kid! You've got what it takes, we just need to do more training!"

They walked outside of the gym, and Snake noticed a bike parked at the front of the building.

"Hey Mac? Is that your bike?" Snake asked.

"Yeah, why you ask?" Mac asked. Snake proceeded to jump on the bike and took off.

"You better come and get it!" Snake taunted in order to bait the boxer into a cardio exercise.

"HEY! SNAKE JUST STOLE MY BIKE!" Little Mac yelled and began to chase Snake.

* * *

"Alright Mac, next up your training is going to be what I call extreme platforming. I had to do a lot of it during my career as a mercenary." Snake explained.

"Oh really? You don't look like the acrobatic type though."

* * *

**Flashback: Shadow Moses Island, 2005**

Snake was on top of the communications tower, engaged in a heated battle with Liquid, who was piloting a Hind D helicopter.

"DYE SNAKE!" Liquid yelled and launched a missile at Snake. Snake jumped on the missile and then used the missile as a jumping platform and shot a stinger missile at the Hind D in mid-air.

"SNAAAAAAAAAKE!" Liquid screamed as the Helicopter exploded.  
**(By the way I'm not making this shit up, this is a thing that happened in the Twin Snake, which is the Gamecube remake of MGS1. Those cutscenes were over the top)**

**End Flashback**

* * *

"I'm not too shabby when it comes to platforming. Anyway, do you know how to use a missile as an improvised jumping platform" Snake asked. Little Mac was dumbstruck by the question.

"Like hell I do!"

"Well, you're gonna learn my friend. Here put the VR goggles on again."

Mac put the goggles on and then saw himself in a battle arena against a helicopter.

"Think fast kid!" Snake voice ordered as the helicopter launched a missile at Mac. Mac had no idea what to do, and the missile directly hit the boxer, blowing him to pieces. Little Mac was respawned, but he felt pain throughout his body.

"Jesus Christ!" Mac panicked.

"Come on Little Mac! We're going to keep doing this until you get it right!"

"OK! Alright! I think I can do this!" Little Mac motivated himself. It took him a few tries, but on his 7th try, he jumped off the missile and destroyed the chopper with a Star Uppercut. The words "Congraturation, a winner is you!" flashed around Little Mac.

"Hey Mac, there's something I needed to confess." Snake said.

"What is it?"

"We really didn't need to do all of that dumb training. I only did it to see how willing you were to improve. And you showed me you got the heart. So I want you to have this."

Snake pulled out his old Cypher, the machine that he used during Brawl as his recovery move. He handed it to Little Mac.

"Now you'll be able to recover easily like everyone else."

"Oh man! Thanks a bunch Snake! I mean, fuck you for having me go through those exercises, but really thank you so much! Here's your payment." Little Mac said and handed a good share of his prize money to Snake.

* * *

"Another job well done!" Snake cheered and walked back to his car. Suddenly Snake received a codec call.

"This is Snake."

"Hey Snake, it's me Peach!" the princess said in her cheerful tone of voice.

"Hey Peach, what do you need?"

"Well, the author wanted me to remind you to get ready for a Christmas special." Peach explained.

Suddenly, Snake saw a wall with the number four painted on it collapse.

"Uh...alright then, but what are we going to do?"

* * *

**My readers! Bby plz give me suggestions for the Christmas special!**


	10. Tactical Christmas Action

**It's a crazy world that we live in. A crazy world with crazy things and crazy people. Though I say the world is crazy, I do not mean that it is a bad world we live in. The world is a funny place more than anything. I don't really watch a lot of the news, cause every time I tune in I see two things. For one, what's being reported really isn't news, and two, the news seems to just want to show all the bad things that's happening in the world. It's even gotten to a point where the news is instilling fear into the hearts of people. You know this whole Ebola issue going on in the US? Don't get me wrong, Ebola is a very dangerous disease, but folks don't believe the news when they tell you that there is an Ebola "outbreak" going on in the US. When there are less than a dozen people infected with an illness, and those people are being kept in a contained area for the safety of the public, that's not the definition of an outbreak. Getting back to my original point, media outlets seem to report only the bad news in the world because apparently that's what is interesting. But...why is that? Ladies and gentlemen, I know that in the bitter and cynical age of the internet that we live in, it's really easy to believe that the world is just pure shit. But I want to remind you that it isn't, and it's during this time of the year, that the goodness of mankind really starts to show. That's right! Christmas! But I don't want to be insensitive. I know that just because I personally celebrate Christmas during this time of year, doesn't mean that everyone else does. But I think that whether you're celebrating a different holiday or you don't celebrate a holiday at all, You can see that there's something about the time of the year where people are much kinder. You may notice that people who are usually not friendly or generous change their ways, and you may notice that you don't have to call someone an "asshole" as much as usual. So kids, always remember that while there are some evil in the world, there's way more good in the world that's always here to kick it's ass. You might not see it on the news, but it's out there. **

**My name is Seth, and come sit down by the metaphorical fire and I'll tell you a little story...**

"All right Peach." Snake began. "Let's hear it. What do you need from me?"

"Well...me and some of the other people on the roster formed a Christmas committee to get everything set up for a Christmas party." Peach explained.

"I get that, but where do I fit in with all of this?" he asked.

"During the process of getting the supplies we needed, we've hit a few bumps in the road." she continued.

"Such as?"

"For one, some of the smashers want gifts for Christmas that are very difficult to get. We're just not sure how to get our hands on some of them."

"Is that all?" Snake wondered.

"Actually no...to be honest with you, when it comes to going shopping for the foods and gifts...I'm a little intimidated." She confessed.

"What's there to be intimidated about?" Snake asked.

"You don't know? A lot of shoppers are really aggressive during Christmas. Violent even!"

"I see...it's like Black Friday shopping, only it spans a month. Sorry if I'm not with the times, but I've never done much Christmas shopping. What do you need me to do?"

"I would like your protection." She requested.

"Protection? You want me to escort you in the shopping center?" Snake asked confused.

"That's right." She affirmed.

"Is it really that bad?"

"Yes, it's that bad."

"All right then. Let's get that shopping done first, then we'll work on getting those rare presents. Deal?" Snake offered and extended his hand.

"Deal!" Peach agreed and shook his hand.

Snake drove Peach over to the Supermarket in the Mushroom Kingdom. He also brought Wolf along with him, cause a little back up never hurt anybody. Snake wasn't sure what to expect from the other shoppers. He had doubts that Peach may have exaggerated on how the shoppers behaved, but he didn't dismiss the explanation. He's seen how crazy people can be, it'd be no surprise that people will use violence to get something on sale. Snake decided that it would be best if he exercised caution.

"All right, we're here." Snake said as he parked his car. "Thanks for coming by the way Wolf."

"Well, I don't get paid for not doing jobs." Wolf replied.

"Ok boys, first thing on the list is to get various fruits for Donkey Kong. He really likes his fruits!" Peach said.

Before the three of them entered the supermarket, they were ambushed and surrounded by Bowser's troops. Goombas, Koopas and Hammer Bros alike.

"By the order of the Great King Bowser..." A Koopa Commander began "you are coming with us Princess!"

Wolf and Snake were not very intimidated by Bowser's forces.

"Isn't this the time where Mario swoops in and saves the Princess?" Snake asked.

"Actually what happens is he waits for her to get kidnapped and then goes rescues her." Wolf answered.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah...that's usually how it goes." Peach admitted looking embarrassed.

"Wow...oh wow what a dick!" Snake insulted.

"Hey you two! Hand over the Princess and we'll let you leave unharmed." The Koopa offered.

"Sorry you guys, but you're not going to be taking the Princess today." Snake taunted.

"And why is that?"

"Because Santa Snake is coming to town..."

Snake and Wolf both drew their weapons from the holsters.

"ON YOUR ASS!" Snake yelled as he and Wolf blasted Bowser's army away. Due to how easy it is to defeat the troops, the fight was over in a minute and was completely one-sided.

"You two saved me!" Peach cheered. "Thank you!"

"You know when one of the ways to defeat your captors is by jumping on their heads, there's really no reason as to why Mario should not be protecting you." Snake bluntly responded.

"Yeah, you've definitely convinced me." She admitted.

"Well the job is not over yet. Let's get inside." Wolf said.

After that brief scuffle with Bowser's minions, the group entered the supermarket as planned.

"So I'm guessing that the hard part is over right?" Snake asked.

"Nope." Peach answered quickly.

"Really? We just got in a gun fight with a bunch of idiots. What the worse these shoppers can do.?"

Snake and Wolf looked around the store and saw some brutal sights. One man was stabbed in the stomach by another man and had the Action Figure that he was going to buy for his son stolen. Another man was being assaulted by a group of people for the turkey that he was buying.

"Jesus Christ! Where the hell is the security?!" Snake asked. Turns out the security guards barricaded themselves in their office out of fear of the other shoppers. Snake had realized that Peach was right. Christmas shopping was about survival of the fittest.

"Ok follow me! I know how to get to the fruits and vegetables aisle." Peach commanded. The three of them cautiously made their way to the fruits and veggies, avoiding any conflict from the other shoppers. After avoiding the violence they had arrived and Peach began to put the items she needed into the cart while Snake and Wolf were on lookout.

"Ok I've got all the food items! Now let's move on to the gifts." She said.

"Do we have to get something for each person on the roster? Cause if so, we're going to be here for a while, and I'd like to leave as soon as possible." Wolf complained.

"Relax! Most of them have their presents, there's just two we need to get here. After that we need to get those two hard to obtain gifts."

"What's the first gift...oh shit dropped my wallet." Snake cursed and went down to get his wallet. A rabid shopper grabbed his hand as he picked it up and tried to force it out of Snake's hand.

"GIVE ME THAT WALLET!" the man roared. Wolf pulled out his blaster and shot the man in the kneecap, forcing him to release Snake and get down on his knees.

"SONOVABITCH!" Snake roared and decked the man with a knockout punch. "Thanks Wolf. So what's the first gift?"

"Looks like Marth wants us to buy him some Defensive equipment." Peach said.

"Equipment? Those things you guys can attach to yourselves to boost your stats?" Wolf asked.

"That's it." she confirmed.

Lucky for them, there happened to be an aisle that had equipment for the smashers. They found where the Defensive Stat buffs were and Peach picked some out.

"Ok! Looks like we got it!" She cheered. Shortly after she spoke, a small thief swooped in and stole all the equipment and put them in his large bag.

"HAHAHA!" the thief laughed.

"HEY! HE HAS OUR STUFF!" Peach cried.

"I got em!" Snake assured her. He pulled the pin on one of his grenades and cooked it for a few seconds. With perfect timing, Snake threw the grenade perfectly to where it exploded once it hit the thief in the back. The thief was incapacitated on the ground.

"Fuck...not you again..."

The thief turned out to be none other than Nabbit, the same thief that tried to steal from Snake and Rosalina. Snake grabbed his bag and got their stolen possessions back.

"I'll take that, thanks." Snake sarcastically said.

"I will steal from you one of these days!" Nabbit swore to him.

"Maybe you will, but just not today." Snake said back to him. Nabbit disappeared and Snake got 1000 XP for beating him. He only needs 3000 more to get to level...wait what. Nevermind. Anyway, they moved on to the next item on the list.

"Ness wants a new yo-yo. Let's go to the toys section." Peach said.

"What do you think the chances are of someone going to try and kill us for a yo-yo?" Wolf asked Snake.

"I think it's guaranteed to happened." he answered honestly.

They went to the toys section of the store and there was a shelf full of yo-yos.

"Alright! I'll test each of these yo-yos out and see which ones the best. While I do that, you two hold off the hoard of people that'll try and kill us for the yo-yo." Peach explained.

"I'm sorry wha..."

_Peach has alerted the hoard_

People began to swarm in on their location like zombies. Snake and Wolf used everything at their disposal to keep the shoppers at bay.

"Grabbin' pills!" Wolf shouted.

"Throwing a pipebomb!" Snake shouted to finish this Left 4 Dead reference.

"Alright I got it!" Peach yelled. "Now how do we get away from here?"

Snake pulled Peach towards him and wrapped his arm around her.

"HOLD ON TIGHT!" He ordered and she held onto him. His Cypher appeared and pulled the two of them up and away from the hoard. Wolf used his up-special to escape and followed them.

They had done it. Part one of the dangerous Christmas shopping was over. They had escaped the supermarket without being followed by the murderous shoppers.

"That was close." Peach said catching her breath. "Thanks Snake."

"Don't thank me yet, we still have two more presents right? What are they? Why can't we get them here?" Snake asked.

"Oh well they're two video games that aren't easy to find anymore. One is Snatcher for the Sega CD, and the other is Battletoads." She explained.

"You ain't kidding! The only way you can see those games anymore is through an emulator." Wolf said.

"Right and I don't know where in this area I can actually buy them." Peach admitted. "Would either of you know where to look?"

Snake crossed his arms and he thought. He thought of something that somewhat troubled him. He looked over to Wolf and the two shared a look of mutual understanding.

"You know where you need to go Snake." Wolf said to him.

"Yeah I know...the Black Market." Snake sighed.

"The Black Market?" Peach repeated showing an example of the Solid Snake complex.

"Yep. I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of it. It's located in the middle of nowhere, and the stuff they sell is either hard to get your hands on, or just straight up illegal." Snake explained. "Also like the supermarket, it's not a very safe place to shop. The exception is that it's that way every day of the year and the violence is eleven times worse."

"My god!" Peach gasped.

"Yeah and you'll have to go there without me. I'm banned from that place after what happened last time." Wolf said.

"What happened." Peach asked curiously.

"I'll leave that up to you to decide." Snake said. "Anyway Peach the black market is a dangerous place, you don't have to come." he offered out of concern for her well being.

"No! I'm going with you!" the princess boldly claimed and stood her ground. Snake couldn't help but smirk and admire her bravery. She may look like a frail princess, but she had heart.

"Alright then. Let's go." He said and walked her to his car.

"Don't get killed!" Wolf shouted as a farewell.

The drive to the black market wasn't a short one. It was a hour and a half trip. But along the way, Peach was unusually quite. It looked like she was working up the nerve to say something and Snake had noticed this.

"What's the matter Peach? You haven't said a word the entire trip. Do you not want to go, cause I'll understand if you don't want to."

"No no! It's not that, it's something else. Something I want to ask you." She admitted with hesitance.

"Well whatever it is, go ahead and shoot I'm listening." Snake insisted.

Peach mustered all of her courage and asked the stoic mercenary her question.

"It's about the...Christmas party...and about having a date for it." She managed to say.

A grim expression grew on Snake's face. He hoped to God that she wasn't going to continue that damn running gag.

"Peach...you're treading on some thin ice right now." Snake said in a passive aggressive manner.

"If you think I'm going to ask you if you have a date or not, I'm not!" She assured. "I just want to know why it makes you so angry when people ask you about it."

Contempt with the fact that she wasn't going to ask him what he originally thought, his anger subsided. Although he was curious as to why she was asking him about it.

"How do you know about that?"

"Snake everybody knows about it! You shot Falco in the kneecaps and threw a grenade in Dedede's mouth when they asked you. That kind of gets around the roster really fast." She retorted.

Snake sighed in defeat and knew that he would have to come clean. "All right, you want the truth?" He began "The truth is that's it's the same damn thing every damn year! It's been going on since the first year I was here. People I never talk to come up to me and are like "HEY SNAKE! YOU GOT A DATE FOR THE CHRISTMAS PARTY! TEHEHEHE!" And they all know damn well that the answer is no! I don't have a fucking date for the fucking Christmas party. They are mocking me Peach! They all want to check in to see if the legendary "anti-social" Solid Snake is going fucking stag! It's like they all got money on it! They don't do it with anyone else! Yeah, maybe I went over the line by sending two of them to the hospital, but I'm just sick of it!" Snake finished letting all of his pent up aggression out.

Peach was at a loss for words. She didn't know what kind of answer she would get, but the last thing she had in mind was an answer like that. She felt pity for the mercenary. He had a cold-heard exterior over the years and would never let his emotions show. It seemed that this was the year where he finally cracked.

"Snake...I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry about it! It's not your fault." He assured her. "Besides, we're here. Let's get those presents. Just follow my lead and you should be fine...hopefully."

The two entered the black market located in The Middle of Nowhere city. It was a rundown store in a rundown town. Inside were several suspicious looking characters, many of them intimidated Peach upon seeing them. Nevertheless she stayed strong and put her fears aside. She then noticed something familiar for sale on one of the shelves.

"Hey Snake? Aren't these amiibos?" she asked looking at the little figurines.

"Yeah that's right."

"What are amiibos doing in a black market? You can buy them at a local gamestore for a small price." she wondered.

"Well Peach, these amiibos are defected amiibos. Last week some idiot bought a Luigi amiibo that was missing a hand for over $2000." Snake explained.

**Ok sorry to break the flow of the story, but let me explain something here. I am not making this up! I am not fucking making this up! This is a thing that happened, ok! Somebody bought an amiibo for over two thousand FUCKING dollars! JUST BECAUSE IT WAS MISSING A HAND! And that's not the only case of people buying defected amiibos, apparently someone bought a Samus amiibo with two arm cannons for just as ridiculous of a price. I know it's none of my business on how people spend their money, but just think of the more useful ways that that money could of been used! It could have gone to a damn charity! I just hope the lucky bastard who sold that thing puts the money to good use.**

"Hey pal! Are you going to buy something or are you just gonna complain about how stupid some people are with their money?" the merchant asked Snake.

"Yeah sorry, I need a copy of Snatcher and Battletoads. You selling?" He asked.

"I don't know...those two games are awfully hard to come by."

Snake showed the merchant a large wad of bills.

"Yeah I'm selling them." he admitted. "But not even that amount of money is going to cover it."

"What?!" Peach panicked. "How much is it?!" She demanded to know.

"$4000, and you've only got $1000."

Peach became a nervous wreck. She couldn't bear the fact that she wouldn't be able to get all of the gifts. She only had the $1000 on her and that was it. Snake could see the despair in her eyes. Christmas was something very near and dear to her. It was a season of giving. and it must be killing Peach that she might not be able to give everything. Snake's heart then grew a few more sizes at the moment. As far as he could see, she was giving every damn part of herself towards the goal of giving the Smasher's a good Christmas, so there was no reason he couldn't do the same. He pulled out all the earnings he had obtained from his previous jobs.

"How about this? Will this cover it?" Snake asked as he put his valuables on the table. Peach was shocked that he was paying roughly 3000$ of his own money. The merchant counted the value and made a decision.

"Yeah, that'll cover it. Here you go." The merchant said and handed Snake the two rare games. "Now get out."

They exited the market, with Peach holding the bag with the two games. Still surprised by Snake's generosity, she tried to think of how to properly thank him.

"Snake...what you did in there...you didn't have to do that."

"Yeah I know." He responded.

"I just don't know how I can repay you for-Snake? What's wrong." She said as she noticed Snake staring at her body. Snake saw a red light pointing right at the princesses chest. Hey Snake! Remember what happened the last time you were with a lady and a similar red light was aiming at her? You probably shouldn't let that shit happen again. Just saying.

"Why are you staring at my-WOAH!" She shrieked as Snake tackled her to the ground. A bullet was fired from afar and due to Snake's actions did not hit Peach.

"STAY DOWN!" Snake demanded.

"GIVE ME THOSE GAMES OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE OFF!" The sniper ordered.

"Peach! Give me Toad!" Snake asked.

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"Toad, the little Mushroom guy you use to counter during battles! I don't give a shit where you keep him, just let me borrow him!" He pleaded. Peach did so and pulled Toad from the...ether I guess...and handed him to Snake. Snake ran towards to direction of the sniper and used Toad as a shield. The sniper put rounds after rounds into the Toad's face but it didn't stop Snake at all. Though the Toad was not killed from the shots, he felt the pain of each shot. Nobody cares though, it's just Toad. When Snake got close enough to sniper, he threw Toad at the shooter, with C4 attached to his head. Toad hit the sniper in the face, and after recovering from his confusion saw the explosive trap before him.

"Snake...you mother f-"

**KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

After the climatic finish, Snake and Peach got their bearings together.

"Thank's by the way for...saving my life."

"I mean...you would of respawned even if you got shot. We are immortal in a way."

"Snake just take my gratitude." She demanded.

"Alright, alright."

Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnndddddd long pause...then...ellipsis...

"Snake do you want to be my date for the Christmas party?"

"Yeah why the hell not."

**Thank you if you read this. I may have some sort of epilogue of the Christmas party or I might not. I don't know. I know a wave of fics are probably going to get uploaded around the same time as this one, so if you got around to reading mine once again. I hope you enjoyed story time, and may you all have the happiest of holidays.**


	11. Dark Pit's Identity Crisis

**I'm not dead. Not yet.**

* * *

"All right everyone! I hope you all had a good holiday vacation. But now let's get down to business." Snake announced.

"TO DEFEAT…THE"

"Shut up!" Snake interrupted Popo's attempted reference. "Ok Nana, what've you got for me?"

"Dark Pit wants you to meet him at the park." Nana informed Snake.

"That kid? He wants my help?" he questioned.

"Well yeah, he sent a request and this is our job. Why, did something happen between you two?"

Snake flashed back to his memories from a month ago. It was when he was at Skyworld with Palutena, teaching her the way of the cardboard box. Dark Pit had interrupted them. One thing led to another and Snake took out his cardboard box tank and shot Dark Pit into the sky.

"No no! Everything's fine. I'll be on my way then." Snake said and left.

* * *

Snake arrived at Smashville's park. It didn't take him long to spot the "angel" dressed in black. He made his way over to his potential client.

"I've been told you need my assistance." Snake began catching Dark Pit's attention.

"Oh! Snake! I'm surprised you came." Dark Pit admitted.

"I don't let personal affairs get in the way of business." Snake claimed. "This is business right? Or is this an attempt at revenge for what happened last time?"

Dark Pit sighed. "I'm still somewhat angry about that, but I genuinely need your help."

"Ok then. What do you need help with?" Snake asked.

"Snake? What name do you use when you address me?" Dark Pit asked.

"Uh…Dark Pit of course." Snake answered confused with the bizarre question.

"Thank you, but everyone else on the roster do not refer to me as that name."

"What do the others call you?"

Dark Pit gave an annoyed sigh. "Pittoo." He muttered.

"Pittoo? I think I remember Palutena calling you that. Kind of a weird name if you ask me." Snake commented.

"It's a stupid name! A name that robs me of my own personal identity. I'm not "Pit 2"! I'm my own person!" Dark Pit vented his frustration.

"Sounds like you're having a bit of an identity crisis."

"If you can call it that then sure, I'm having one." Dark Pit sneered.

"What have you done to try to convince the others to call you Dark Pit?" Snake asked.

"I…I tried to force them to." The dark angel admitted looking embarrassed.

Snake sighed with disappointment. Kid, coercion only works when you have complete power over somebody, not when they have the ability to fight you and be able to win."

"Well why do you care? Isn't your company about doing things no questions asked?" Dark Pit complained.

"No actually. I think I speak for all of my employees when I say that we don't like to be kept in the dark about the jobs given to us. I'm not going to have my business be a place where someone can walk in and ask "Hey can you murder a dude for me?" and then we say "Yeah sure."."

Dark Pit scoffed, annoyed with Snake's persistence.

"So why do you think I would be of any help?" Snake questioned.

"You seem to be generally liked and respected by the others. I feel you'd have a better chance at persuading them."

"A better chance maybe, but it would still be a very small chance."

Dark Pit looked at Snake confused.

"Kid, no matter if people like you or not, you're never going to have much success in convincing people to change their ways." Snake lectured.

"I see…"

"However, there is something I can do that can fix this problem of yours, but I have to know that this is very important to you." Snake warned.

"Yes! It is Snake!" Dark Pit pleaded.

"Alright then."

* * *

Snake pressed a button on his desk and a hidden room opened up. Inside was a monitor with surveillance of all the characters on the roster. Dark Pit was stunned by the technology around him.

"What the hell is this?"

"About a week ago, my company got an anonymous tip suggesting that someone has a device that keeps track on all of you on the roster." Snake explained. "I took a look into it and turns out our anonymous source wasn't joking. What you're looking at is the feed from Crazy Hand's monitoring device."

"What does it do?" Dark Pit asked.

"It tracks almost everything about you, and can make you do anything. It's similar to technology the Patriots had."

"Why are you showing me this?"

"Because since we're tapped into his device, we can actually access all sorts of information. We can also run all sorts of different commands."

"Can you tell me in a way I can understand?" Dark Pit whined.

"It's a little extreme, but I'm going to replace the word "Pittoo" with "Dark Pit". So if any calls you that, they'll say Dark Pit whether they like it or not." Snake answered.

"Are you serious? He has that much control?"

Ignoring the question, Snake typed in the command to replace names. He changed Pittoo to Dark Pit and hit enter.

"Now look at Pit's feed." Snake told the dark angel.

"Lady Palutena? Have you seen **Dark Pit **anywhere?" Pit asked unaware that he said Dark Pit due to programming.

"No Pit, I haven't seen **Dark Pit** anywhere." She answered.

You get the idea of what's going on right?

"That's amazing!" Dark Pit cheered.

"Yeah it sure is something." Snake said with sarcasm, actually despising the device. "You got my payment?"

Dark Pit handed Snake a total of 500 coins.

"Thanks. Sorry about this."

Snake drew his tranquilizer gun and shot the Dark warrior in the head, immediately putting him to sleep. Snake was not going to let him leave his office with the knowledge of Crazy Hand's device.

"All right Lucas, do your thing." Snake ordered.

Lucas used his powers and began wiping Dark Pit's memories selectively. Specifically, everything that happened up since this morning.

"It's done." Lucas confirmed.

"Wolf, can you carry the kid back to his house before he wakes up?"

"Sure thing." Wolf replied and lifted the unconscious angel over his shoulders.

Lucas felt somewhat uncomfortable with wiping Dark Pit's memories, and asked for Snake's input on the matter.

"Snake? Do you think that was the right thing to do?"

Snake let out a sigh expressing slight guilt over having Lucas do what he did.

"That's tough to answer Lucas. I'm sorry I had you use your powers like that. No, I don't believe that what we did was right? But at the same time, we can't have Crazy Hand knowing we have evidence of his dirty secrets. I don't think we should let the others know about this until we've figured out what that nutjob is up to. I hope you understand."

"Yeah…yeah I understand. It's for the greater good."

"Thanks kid. Until then, let's just do our job."

* * *

**So I'm running a little low on suggestions. If anyone has some please feel free to let me know. Sorry if this chapter wasn't exactly high quality, but I just wanted people to know the story wasn't dead. It won't be like this in the future.**


	12. Marth Wants Muscles (part 1 of 2)

**Special Thanks to "What Not Guy" for this suggestion**

* * *

The battle raged on, the two swordsmen were putting their skills to the test. Marth and Ike dueled in a heated match. Marth desperately wanted this victory, as he had been on a losing streak against Ike recently. Marth swung his blade at Ike, who swiped the attack away with his powerful greatsword. Ike retaliated with a massive swing of his sword. Marth attempted to block the attack with his sword, but upon the blade clashing against his, the impact disoriented him, dropping his guard.

"_He…He smashed my defense!"_ Marth thought surprised.

With Marth still staggered from blocking the previous attack, he was wide open for Ike to land the finishing blow. Before Marth could gather his senses, he was hit with a side smashed and KO'd. He had lost to Ike, again.

"_Dammit! He's too strong! I couldn't block any of his attacks without getting exhausted. I have to get stronger! But how?"_

He looked to a bulletin board on his right. As he sulked in the halls of the arena, he saw a flyer posted on the wall. It was an advertisement for Snake's company, now officially known as Freelance Favors. Whether it's a stupid name or not, it's easier than to continuously refer to it as "Snake's business" or "Snake's Company". Upon seeing the flyer, a bit of hope sparked inside Marth. He had heard many good things about Freelance Favors from his colleagues who were clients there. It seemed to him that they would take on just about any job they're given. He remembered Little Mac talking about Snake teaching him a new recovery move, so he had no doubt that the man would help him build muscle. Marth made his decision and headed to Freelance Favors.

* * *

"I can't believe this!" Nana exclaimed.

"This is some conspiracy theory level shit man!" Popo ranted.

"Everybody just calm down for a second!" Snake demanded.

Back at the Freelance office, Snake was holding a meeting with his employees in regards to the recent discovery of Crazy Hands surveillance program. Everyone was unsettled by this recent discovery, so Snake decided to discuss the issue and make sure everyone would have their story straight and come up with a game plan for what they were going to do from here. Above all else, Snake wanted to make sure that this information would not leave the walls of this building. Letting out a frustrated sigh, Snake began to speak, wanting to get this out of the way.

"I understand how you all must feel. I was shocked myself when this was sent to us. But I want everyone to understand what exactly the situation is."

"What's there to understand? Crazy is doing some extreme NSA bullshit on the smashers and we got proof!" Popo stated.

For a moment Snake wondered how Popo knew about the NSA when he comes from a universe that has no connection to real world politics what so ever but disregarded the comment.

"I gotta admit, I think Popo's right about this one." Red spoke up. "Why don't we report this to Master Hand? There's no way he would tolerate something like this."

"If only it were that simple…" Wolf retorted.

"What do you mean?" Nana asked.

"What I mean is that we can't be sure on whether we can trust Master Hand about this. We don't even know that exact purpose of this program is."

"Wolf's right." Snake continued. "While I think there's no excuse for this device to exist, it could be something Master Hand is even in on. It may be some sort of way to track each smasher stats and battle data. At least that's what Crazy Hand could say unless we have some concrete proof to show otherwise."

"I'm sure it's being used for the wrong reasons. If it kept track of stats, then the Smashers would know about it." Lucas explained his thoughts. "And when we showed it to Dark Pit, he had no idea of its existence."

"Wait! Dark Pit is being monitored. So if he came over here yesterday and you showed him the program, then Crazy Hand probably saw all of it! What if he already knows that we have the program?!" Red panicked.

"Calm down Red!" Snake ordered. "According to the source who sent this to us, Crazy Hand had to attend a meeting with Master Hand, so he most likely wouldn't have been able to spy on everyone through whatever machine he uses to keep track of all this." He explained. "And besides, if Crazy Hand knew we had this information, he would have already come and shut us down."

"So this anonymous source…how do we know we can trust him Snake?" Nana asked.

"Well to be honest, we can't be sure." Snake gave the answer no one wanted to hear.

"Oh well that's fucking swell!" Popo shouted.

"Listen to me! We may not know who he is, but what I do know is this person must have a lot of faith in us. So much that he risked his neck to get this information to us." Snake said, calming his employees down.

"Why us though?" Lucas asked.

"Yeah. I mean we're just a small business. Why did this guy put this burden on us? What makes him think we're the ones to trust in solving this conspiracy?" Nana wondered.

"I asked myself that question since the program was sent to us. I don't why, but maybe he thinks we're the only ones that can. I understand that this can be a real burden for you all. So if you want out you're free to leave the business so you don't have to get caught up in this mess." Snake offered.

"Are you kidding me? Of course we're staying!" Popo said. Snake was surprised by getting an answer so fast. He expected them to contemplate over the decision.

"Look Snake, you gave us an offer to get us out of living purposeless lives. We owe you for that. We'll stick with you to the very end. Right guys?" Lucas asked the group, who all agreed.

"Alright. Thanks you guys. We'll put this aside for now. For now let's just get back to work." Snake said with a smile.

* * *

Marth had arrived to the Freelance office. Entering the door, he was greeted by Nana at the front desk.

"Good morning Marth! How can I help you?" Nana politely greeted.

"Oh! Hello Nana! I'd like to see Snake. Is he available?"

"Yeah, he's in his office. Go on in."

Marth entered Snake's office, who was doing some paper work. He didn't hear Marth enter the room.

"Excuse me." Marth made his presence known. Snake looked up and greeted his customer.

"Well if it isn't the prince himself! How're you doing Marth?" Snake asked.

"Well I'm going through a bit of a rough time right now." Marth admitted.

"A problem huh? Well that's what this business is for. What's the problem?"

"I've been doing good overall in the tournament. But there's one person in particular I'm on a losing streak with." Marth told Snake of his dilemma.

"Who might that be?"

"It's Ike. He's beaten the past 5 times we've fought! He's just so damn strong!" Marth fumed.

"Well that's kind of his thing. I mean he uses a great sword with one arm, of course he's gonna be strong." Snake said, not understanding what Marth was getting at.

"I know that! He was strong last tournament, but I was able to keep up and we were often even in skill. But this tournament, it's different. It's seems like he's gotten stronger. WAY stronger than before!" Marth expressed his thoughts.

"How do you figure?" Snake asked.

"Well he looks like he's built much more muscle, but the power of his attacks are unbelievable. If I try to block his attack with my sword, I get stunned and my sword nearly breaks!"

"Damn! That does sound like a problem. So what can I do to help?"

"I need to build more muscle. Enough to where I can go match his strength."

Snake was somewhat skeptical about the idea. He hasn't been keeping up with any of the tournament matches. And if Marth wanted to become as strong as Ike then Snake needed to know just how strong Ike was.

"Let me tell you what. Come back here tomorrow morning, and I'll have a game plan for what we need to do set up. Sound good?" he offered.

"Yes of course! Thank you Snake!" The prince expressed his gratitude before departing.

"All right. Looks like I've got some reconnaissance to do." Snake said to himself.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Arena. The place where the all the matches took place, and also the best place to watch the matches. Lucario and Meta Knight were walking down one of the hallways, heading to the spectator room. Meta Knight was looking rather bitter however.

"That damn chimp is starting to piss me off." Meta Knight growled.

"Who? Diddy? Yeah he just beat you, but since when have you been such a poor sport about losing?" Lucario asked.

"I'm not mad about losing!" Meta Knight snapped. "It just the way that he wins his matches is what irritates me. And it's not just me, it's how his matches with everyone go."

"Do Explain." The Pokémon requested.

"It's the same damn tactics every match. He takes a banana out, catches it, and throws it to make you slip. God forbid you shield it, because once you do he grabs you, hits you with a down throw, then repeatedly hits you with up airs!" Meta Knight vented. "And it works so well. It's so hard to counteract that strategy!"

"Hmmm. So would you say that Diddy is "overpowered"?" Lucario asked.

"Absolutely!" Meta Knight answered.

There was a brief silence between the two of them. A huge grin appeared on Lucario's face, and he was snickering. He tried to hide it and keep his composure, but he just couldn't do it and he burst out laughing.

"What's so fucking funny?!" Meta Knight questioned.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's just I think it's hilariously ironic that the guy who was ranked "God tier" in the last tournament, is complaining about someone being overpowered!" Lucario admitted and continued laughing.

If Meta Knight didn't wear a mask, it could be clearly seen that his face became red with anger.

"Shut up!" was all Meta Knight could say in response.

Suddenly, someone across the hall interrupted their conversation.

"Well if it isn't my two favorite non-human characters!" The voice greeted. Lucario and Meta Knight were surprised to see who it was.

"Snake!" They both said in response.

"Hey you guys. It's been a while." Snake said.

The three of them go way back. All three of them were newcomers in the third tournament, and they met on the Halberd during the Subspace incident and made quite a team. They were quite happy to have a reunion.

"It certainly has." Lucario agreed.

"What have you been up to old friend?" Meta Knight asked.

"Ah not too much, just working. How about you guys? Heard any good rumors lately?" Snake asked.

Meta Knight and Lucario looked at each other bewildered.

"Heard any good rumors lately? Who the fuck says that! No normal person would ever ask that question!" Meta Knight ranted.

"Have you been playing too much Fallout, Snake?" Lucario questioned.

"Uh…I guess I have." Snake admitted embarrassed.

After a brief awkward silence, Meta Knight spoke up.

"Sorry about that. Let's just forget that ever happened. Agree?"

"Agreed." Snake and Lucario said in unison.

"Anyway, if you really want to know, there is in fact a rumor going on about Yoshi." Meta Knight confirmed.

"Yoshi? What's he doing?" Snake asked.

"Well word on the metaphorical street is that he's been writing a lot of fan fiction as of late." Meta Knight explained.

"Fan fiction? Ok, but what's the problem with that?"

"Well normally it wouldn't be such a big deal, but this is different." Lucario spoke.

"What so unique about these?"

"The content of his stories or more or less disturbing."

"What is he writing Sonic the Hedgehog slash fics?" Snake chuckled. Lucario and Meta Knight let out a depressed sigh.

"Please…please…don't ever talk about that again. Never again!" Lucario begged.

"I'm sorry." Snake genuinely apologized.

"No, Yoshi's stories are about the characters on the roster, more specifically the female ones, having supernatural farting and pissing abilities."

Snake was taken aback by the explanation.

"Oh…well that is something. But is it really that bad?" Snake asked.

"It wouldn't be if he didn't write SO MANY OF THEM!"

"Uh…I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable with this."

"Yeah well you should! It's disgusting a lot of the others on the roster." Meta Knight yelled

"I don't understand. I mean sure, toilet humor is alright if it's used in moderation, but these stories are entirely made up of toilet humor? Do people actually enjoy this? Because I would think after a while the jokes would come off as beating a dead horse." Snake gave his opinion.

"You know Snake, I think it would be best for all of us if you just stop thinking about it." Lucario tried to calm him down.

"Hey he said he wanted to hear about rumors so I told him!"

"Yeah you're right. Though now I really wish I hadn't. Anyway I'm gonna go now. Bye guys."

"Goodbye Snake, next time we meet I assure you we won't talk about this type of shit." Lucario promised.

After recovering from the brief flashes of disturbing imagery that was a result of the information he had been given, Snake finally remembered what he was doing here. Over the intercom a voice announced the upcoming match.

"_The next match will be…Ike vs King Dedede."_

This was Snake's queue to head over to the spectator's room. He needed to watch this match to scout out Ike's capabilities and to see just how strong he really is. And with him up against a powerhouse like Dedede, it was an ideal matchup to test Ike's strength.

* * *

**To be continued…**

**Yeah I don't like splitting one favor into 2 chapters, but I don't know if people want a single favor chapter to go on to long. Cause there's a good amount of content for the second half. I don't know, if you guys don't mind long chapters than just let me know.**

**Now other things I wanted to say. First off, again thank you guys so much for supporting the story. You're one of the big reasons why I like writing these in the first place. I'd also like to thank everyone for giving me several suggestions. I said last chapter that I was running low on suggestions. I was then amazed by the amount of suggestions given to me a couple hours later, and I can guarantee that most of them will show up in future chapters. Also starting from this chapter, I will give a special thanks to the user whose suggestion is what the chapter gets based off of.**

**Another thing, that whole Crazy Hand thing, will be a sub-plot, but I won't let it take over the general purpose of this story.**

**The last thing I want to bring up is a certain section of this chapter. I don't know if I was being a little too on the nose about it, but I do some riffing on somebody who writes fanfics in a certain scene (I'm sure I don't need to tell you which one it is). If anyone figures it out and isn't too pleased with what I said, I completely understand if you get angry with me. Just know that it's all for the sake of humor and its more satire than anything. I don't hate the guy at all, just not a fan of his work.**

**Take easy. Part 2 coming soon.**


	13. Marth wants Muscles (part 2 of 2)

**Special thanks to "What Not Guy" for the suggestion.**

* * *

Ike and King Dedede stepped into the portal that would transport them to the fight location.

"Good luck!" Ike said to the penguin showing his good sportsmanship. King Dedede said nothing, and simply laughed.

After five seconds, they were teleported to the stage.

Snake looked at one of the monitors in the arena. The match was about to start.

"_Alright, let's see this new "strength" Marth was talking about."_ He thought.

Ike and Dedede were teleported to the Boxing Ring stage.

"Ready…GO!" The announcer yelled.

To start the match, Dedede used his side special, the Gordo Toss, as a means of zoning. However it wasn't really zoning, it was more or less him spamming the shit out of the move.

"Dammit! Not this again!" Falco complained.

"He does this shit every time!" Captain Falcon said.

Back at the fight, Ike was dodging each of the spikey Gordos being tossed at him.

"C'mon really?! There are people watching this match Dedede, they don't want to see this!" Ike said.

"It's a legitimate strategy!" Dedede claimed.

"I really preferred when you just threw Waddle Dees and Doos. Enough of this!" Ike roared. With a swing of his sword, he smacked a Gordo and sent it flying at Dedede like a tennis ball. Dedede barely dodged the Gordo, but wasn't prepared for Ike's dashing attack. The blow pushed Dedede away and had him land on his back. The penguin (he's a penguin right?) got back up, looking angry.

"Ok fine! I'll just squish you instead." Dedede taunted and spun his giant hammer in his hand."

And so the real fighting began. The two fighters exchanged blows. It was looking like a good fight and after several minutes, they were down to their last stock. The fight was very even, and Snake was confused as to why Marth believed his strength had increased significantly. As far as he could tell, Ike fought just the same as he did in the Brawl tournament. But what happened next would surprise everyone watching.

Dedede's mighty hammer clashed with Ike's sword, and the hammer one. In fact, it was powerful enough to knock the sword out of Ike's hands. Ike was shocked as he saw he sword land on the ground. He turned to see Dedede about to finish him with his forward smash. Suddenly, some sort of power surged inside Ike, and he stopped the King's hammer with his own two hands. Ike looked ferocious, his muscles enlarged, with veins flowing through them.

"What the-how the fuck!" Dedede shrieked.

"What the hell!" Snake said astounded by Ike's sudden power. Even Ike looked surprised at what he was doing.

In an unforeseen move, Ike snatched the hammer from Dedede's hands, and used it himself for the final blow. With one swing, Ike KO'd Dedede.

"GAME!" The announcer shouted.

Snake took a moment to analyze what he had just witnessed. Ike may be strong enough to wield his greatsword with one hand, but King Dedede's hammer was massive. It was a weapon that was made for him, no one tried using it. Even if they could lift it, how could someone stop that attack with their own hand? The blow combined Dedede's strength with the weight of the hammer. No amount of physical training could make Ike strong enough to stop that blow.

Interrupting his thoughts, Snake saw the two combatants return from the teleporter. He noticed that Ike looked exhausted.

"_His strength may be increased, but what about his stamina?"_ he pondered.

Snake came to a conclusion. He may be jumping the gun, but Ike had to be using some type of steroid to gain that type of strength. He was going to have to break some rough news to Marth.

* * *

**The next day**

"So Snake, did you figure anything out? Do you know how I can get stronger?" Marth asked.

"Marth, I don't know how to break this to you, but from what I saw from Ike's match yesterday…you're never going to beat him in terms of strength." Snake said.

"I see…so there is no hope for me." Marth sighed.

"Woah woah woah! Don't go losing hope! I said you can't beat him in terms of strength. I never said you couldn't beat him."

"What do you mean?"

"Marth, you've always been considered as one of the top fighters on the roster since you were in the Melee tournament. And it wasn't strength that won you fights. It was your speed, agility, and finesse with your sword."

"And Ike doesn't have those things." Marth realized.

"That's right! Don't get me wrong, Ike's is a good swordsman, but he relies more on raw power to win his matches. And I don't care how strong you are, if you carry a big fucking sword like that, it's going to drain your stamina pretty fast."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Rope-a-dope." Snake said with a smirk.

"Rope-a-dope? What does that mean?" the blue haired swordsman questioned.

**(Get ready for a little history lesson on boxing!)**

"Let me tell you a story Marth. In my world there was a legendary boxer named Muhammad Ali. He's consider to be the greatest, and he would often tell people that he was. But his mouth never wrote checks that he couldn't cash, he would always back it up." Snake began telling the legend of the Greatest.

"He sounds incredible, but what does he have to do with rope-a-dope?" Marth wondered.

"He invented it." Snake answered.

"He invented it?"

"Right, but rope-a-dope isn't some sort of machine. It was a strategy." He continued. "At one point, Ali finally lost his first match against another boxer Joe Frazier. Frazier took the championship from Ali. But then, Frazier got destroyed in a match with a monster of a man named George Foreman. Foreman had amazing power never seen at the time. He knocked Frazier down 6 times during the match, and won. He was the new champ."

"Well, what about Ali?" Marth asked getting interested in this story.

"Ali climbed back up the ladder, and he became the number one contender. He was slated to go up against Foreman. Everyone believed that Foreman was going to wipe the floor with him. Ali had gone up in age a bit, and Foreman was young, powerful, and hungry. Ali knew he wasn't going to beat Foreman by going blow to blow against him, because Ali was never a power hitter. His strength relied on his speed and agility and finesse…that sound familiar?" Snake asked Marth.

"So in this situation, I'm Ali and Ike is Foreman?"

"You're catching on pal." Snake complimented.

"Ok, so what did Ali do to fight Foreman?"

"So he employed the use of rope-a-dope. He leaned up against the ropes, and let Foreman try to wail on him. Leaning against the ropes allowed Ali to block the blows without losing a lot of energy, as the ropes absorbed more energy from Foreman's punches than Ali would. Even though it looked like Ali was being brutally beaten, he was actually making Foreman tire himself out. When Foreman got tired, he became sloppy and made mistakes. This is where Ali would strike, hitting him with counter attacks. He found his weakness, and in the end, he beat Foreman." Snake finished the story.

"What an amazing tale. But how is this going to help me?"

Snake scoffed at what he said.

"Did you really not get any of that?! You need make Ike tire himself out and then hit him when he's low on energy!" Snake yelled at the prince.

"But there are no ropes, how am I supposed absorb the blows?" Marth asked.

"DODGE!" Snake screamed at him. "JUST FUCKING DODGE!"

"Oh…right. Oh god I'm sorry Snake. Boy do I feel stupid…"

Snake took a moment to regain his composure.

"It's…it's ok. I'm sorry about that. But yes, if you get Ike to tire himself out…"

"Then I can beat him with quick and frequent strikes!" Marth finished.

"Bingo!"

"Do you think you can help me train Snake?"

"Absolutely." Snake said. "Hey Red!"

Red opened the door to Snake's office. "Hey what's up boss?"

"Can you set up a montage for us?" Snake requested.

"Sure thing. One montage coming right up!" Red cheered.

And then they did a training montage. You know how those go. Now Marth was more or less prepared for his fight.

* * *

The next day at the arena, the match between Ike and Marth was about to go underway. They were in the teleporter room, wait for the stage to be picked.

"Fight location chosen. Castle Siege."

"_A duel on our home stage. How fitting." _Marth thought.

"Hope you been practicing Marth." Ike said taking Marth out of his inner thoughts.

"Oh yeah. Yeah I've been practicing." Marth nervously answered.

"Good, cause I want to fight you when you're at you're best." The mercenary said.

"Likewise." Marth answered.

And with that, they were teleported. The match would begin soon.

"Ready…GO!"

Unsurprisingly, Ike began to go on offense. He charged at Marth, who did nothing but stood still. Ike was curious of Marth's behavior, but continued to dash towards him. He performed a dash attack, but Marth spot-dodged the attack. Ike attacked again, and Marth dodged. It went on like this for minutes. Attack, dodge. Attack dodge. Ike began getting impatient with this.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ike shouted as he continued to attack.

"What's wrong?" Marth asked in a manner that was almost taunting Ike.

"Don't tell me that! You're just dodging! You haven't even swung your-"

**SLASH!**

Taking advantage of Ike's loss of focus, Marth struck him in the face with a forward smash.

"Is that what you wanted?" Marth taunted. Ike became furious, rage building in him, giving him additional strength. Regardless, Ike still couldn't land attacks. In fact, his rage reduced his finesse with his blade and was fighting very sloppy. With every attack he attempted, Marth retaliated with a quick strike. Even though things were going smoothly and he looked like he had the upper hand, Marth did not let his guard down or lose his focus for a second. He stayed on his opponent, who was flailing his sword like a brute hoping that it would hit. He continued to build up damage on Ike. Ike was at 150% yet Marth still didn't go for the finishing blow. After several more minutes, Ike had enough. He was on empty. He fell to his knees and dropped his sword, looking exhausted. It was over. Marth began charging his Shield Breaker special attack.

"You just got rope-a-dope'd!" Marth said as a one liner. "_Oh wow that sounded better in my head."_

He thrusted his sword to Ike's chest and sent the man flying off the stage. Marth did it. He finally broke the losing streak. The two of them were brought back to the teleport room. Marth extended his hand as a means of good sportsmanship.

"Good match Ike." Marth complimented. Ike thought otherwise and angrily marched to the locker rooms. Marth was surprised at Ike's sudden lack of sportsmanship. It wasn't like him to just ignore a post-match handshake. Never the less, he decided to enjoy this moment of triumph.

* * *

"DAMN IT!" Ike shouted as he punched a dent into the wall of the locker room. No one else was in there, at least that's what he thought. Snake had in fact snuck in there during the match.

"How did that match feel Ike?" Snake asked lurking in the shadows.

Ike turned around, and was embarrassed that someone saw his angry outburst. He tried to hide it regardless.

"Snake! What are you doing in here? You're not a smasher anymore, you're not supposed to be here." Ike berated him.

"I made a career on going into places that I wasn't supposed to be, so I don't see your point. Now back to my question. How did that match feel?" Snake repeated.

"What do you mean how did it feel? I lost. Losing doesn't feel good." Ike answered in an unfriendly manner.

"I'm not talking about the result of the match. I'm talking about during the match. You and I both know what the feel of battle is. Did that match feel like a battle?"

Ike was surprised. It was as if Snake knew exactly what he was thinking.

"No…you're right. It didn't feel like a battle. It felt…planned, like Marth was using some pre-planned gimmick to beat me." Ike admitted.

"Maybe if you weren't using steroids he wouldn't have had to resort to that." Snake said straightforward.

"Steroids?"

"Oh I'm sorry! Do you call it a "performance-enhancing substance"?" Snake asked in a demeaning manner.

"Oh that? Why? What's wrong with using performance-enhancing substances?" Ike asked with genuine curiosity.

"Are you being serious? They're called steroids! They're illegal to use and they give you an unfair advantage over all the other competitors!" Snake lashed out at him.

"Wait really? But the guy who gave them to me said they were ok to use and they would slightly enhance my skills in battle." Ike answered.

With that Snake remembered that the characters of this universe weren't exactly familiar with everything of his universe. Ike was ignorant of what a steroid was, and who ever gave them to him played Ike for a fool. Normally athletes would make the excuse that they never "knowingly" took steroids, but it looks like it was true in Ike's case.

"Sorry Ike, but it looks like you've been tricked. Steroids are a drug from my universe that athletes would use to gain strength that can't be obtained through physical training. The name "performance-enhancing drugs" is just a term to sugar coat it. They also have undesired effects outside of sports, they affect people's personal lives. People are more aggressive and hostile towards their family. That's why Mist hired me to look into this."

"Mist?! My sister asked you to do this?"

"Yeah. She's been worried about you Ike."

"Dammit! I can't believe how stupid I am. I'm a disgrace." Ike said self-deprecating himself. He sat on a chair and lowered his head down in shame. Snake patted him on the shoulder.

"Ike don't talk like that! You're a warrior, and a damn good one at that. We all get fooled every now and then. We all make mistakes. But it's never too late to learn from our mistakes and make amends for them. You can stop being a part of mistake by throwing the drug away." Snake said motivating Ike. Ike picked his head up. He thought of what Snake told him and chose to follow his advice.

"You're right!" Ike smiled. He reached into his bag and pulled out a small box filled with syringes. "I won't use these anymore! Thank you Snake."

"Hey wait, don't throw those away. Let me have them." Snake requested.

"Huh? Why?" Ike asked but handed Snake the box.

"Consider this a free favor, but me and my crew are going to track down who's selling these and put a stop to their business."

"Really? Thanks a lot Snake! Anything I can do to help?" Ike asked.

"Yeah actually. Do you know who the guy who supplied you with these?"

"Well he never gave me a name, but he was one of the Animal Crossing villagers. He looked like he was stoned all the time. Does that help?"

"It does thanks." Snake answered. Though he didn't want to tell Ike the following, he felt he deserved to know.

"Oh Ike, one more bit of bad news…steroids make your dick smaller."

"Wait WHAT?!"

"Later!" Snake said and took off.

* * *

**So I guess the moral of this chapter was don't do drugs. Winners don't use drugs…well that's not actually true, cause steroids have caused athletes to win…but those guys are assholes for doing so.  
Sorry if there is a lack of humor in these previous chapters, that's my fault. I promise I'll make these funnier in the future. **

**Anyway, take easy, I'll have the next chapter out soon.**


	14. Snake's Investigation Log 1

**I'm still not dead. Here's a little bit of filler that will Segway into the next chapter. Tried to take a little noir approach with this.**

**Special thanks to cerealkiller49 for the suggestion that will be the plot of the next chapter.**

_It didn't take long for us to track down Ike's supplier. Having access to Crazy Hand's database made it a breeze. While I'm not a fan of using a device belonging to a madman, that database can do a lot of good if in the right hands and used for the right reasons. Ike gave me a description of what his supplier looked like. He was an Animal Crossing villager that looked like he was stoned all the time. While it wasn't a very specific description, it was actually more than enough. After looking through a list of all the villagers, we found him. He's known by most people as "The Stone-ager". He's got the name for a reason, the guy's got a long list of arrests for possession of narcotics. He did a little bit of everything, coke, LSD, crack, you name it. But the guy's not one to use steroids. I wondered why he was giving Ike steroids. My best bet is that he's getting paid by someone so he can score his next fix. Anyway, I got his address, so I'm going over there and I'm gonna get some answers._

Snake had arrived at the Stone-ager's address late at night. He lived in an apartment building on the second floor. Snake went up the stairs and found his room. He knocked on the door, but he got no response.

"Hey pal, I know you're in there! Open up!" Snake ordered. After knocking one more time he got a response.

"Who is it?" the villager behind the door asked.

"I'm Solid Snake. I'm just here to ask you some questions." He answered.

"Oh-oh okay. Just uh…just give me a second." The Stone-ager requested.

After a few seconds the Stoneager opened the door, but he had a pistol out and was looking to shoot Snake. With lighting fast reflexes, Snake pulled out his SOCOM pistol and shot the hostile villager in the leg.

"AH FUCK! MY LEG!" the villager cried. Snake angrily dragged his would-be attacker across the room. He slammed him against the wall and was held him by the throat.

"What the fuck was that about?!" Snake furiously asked.

"You shot me! Fuck man!"

"I wouldn't have needed to if you hadn't tried to do the same to me! Now I want some answers! First off, why'd you try to shoot me?!"

"I-I-I'm sorry man! I thought you were a cop or something! Please let me go! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" The nervous villager begged.

Snake released Stoneager's throat and he fell to the floor and started gasping for air.

"You can relax in that I'm not a cop. But if you don't answer my questions, I won't be as civil as the cops are." Snake said to intimidate him. "I'm here because I want you to tell me about this."

Snake pulled out the steroid that the druggie had been giving Ike.

"Where did you get that?"

"I got it from Ike. I convinced him to stop taking this and he told me you've been supplying him with it."

"Damn it! You ruined my source of income! Oh crap…" The villager muttered realizing he said something he shouldn't have.

"So I was right. You don't have any reason to be taking these, so you sell them to score your next fix. Am I right?"

"Yeah. Yeah you're right."

"Where do you get these? Or should I say, who do you get these from?"

"I-I-I really shouldn't tell you anymore." Stoneager nervously said.

"You don't answer me and I'll destroy your stash of drugs!" Snake threatened as he pulled a grenade out.

"OK! OK! OK! I've been getting them from Dr. Mario! He gives them to me and I sell them. I give him the money and he gives me 20 percent!"

"Have you sold them to anyone else besides Ike?"

"_Well well well. So good old Mario is running a drug business_." Snake thought. "Have you sold these to anyone else on the roster?"

"No I swear! We've only been able to sell them to Ike. Our other customers are outside of the Smash roster."

"Hmm, alright I'll take your word for it. Thanks for your cooperation. I'll be leaving now." Snake finished.

"What the hell man?! You're just gonna leave me here with this bullet wound?!" Stoneager pleaded.

"Why don't you put your drugs on it? Maybe it'll make you feel better." Snake taunted and left the apartment.

_He poured out information like a 40 ounce of liquor. I had a load of information, but unfortunately I didn't have evidence. Accusing someone with as much influence as Mario is a dangerous move. No one's going to believe me if I tell them that I got this information from some drugged out punk. I needed concrete evidence. I need to catch Mario dead to rights. Proof that would without a doubt show Mario's connection with the drug dealing business. But before I would attempt to prove it to the world, I need to prove it to myself. I couldn't just take Stoneager's word for it. After all I shot him in the leg. He probably thought I was going to kill him and he would tell me whatever he thought I'd want to hear. While I was lost in my thoughts, I got a call from Nana._

"What's up Nana?"

"Hey Snake, sorry to bother you but it looks like we got a late night request." Nana explained.

"That's all right. Who sent it?"

"Robin. You remember him right?"

"Oh yeah, I remember. I watched his daughter while he and Lucina went on a date. What does he need?"

"Well…he said he wanted you to meet him at his house privately. He told that his problem is "really fucked up"." Nana quoted. "And his voice didn't sound the same. He sounded…feminine."

"That's uh…interesting. Could you tell him that I'll be over there tomorrow?"

"Can do Snake!"

"Thanks Nana." Snake said and ended the call.

_Looks like my little Investigation will have to be put on hold for now. I told the others that work comes before the investigation. We don't want to raise any suspicion by not doing jobs. I'm gonna call it a night, get some sleep for that job tomorrow. Wonder what Robin's problem is._

**2 Hours Earlier: Robin's house**

Robin was in the basement of his house, the place where he would experiment with magic. He experimented with various tomes and spells with hopes of creating something new. After spending quite some time thinking of what to do, he came up with the probably not so great idea of seeing what would happen if he combined Thoron with a Tesla Coil discharge. He set everything up and as the coil discharged plasma, he shot Thoron right into it. The result was a blinding flash of energy the spread across the room. Robin was knocked on his back from the force of the "explosion" and got back up.

"Huh, I guess that did nothi-"

Robin stopped himself when he heard the sound of his voice. That wasn't a man's voice he had. It was a woman's voice. He wondered if the experiment changed his voice. Then he realized that his body didn't feel right. He felt lighter and less…masculine. He went to check the mirror, wanting to see if the experiment did any damage to his body. It was there that he discovered that the experiment had turned him into a woman. Why? Because reasons.

"Robin is everything all right, I heard a loud…AH! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Lucina roared.

"IT'S ME DEAR! ROBIN! I'M ROB-"

Lucina decked Robin in the face, with the belief that this "woman" was a burglar. After regaining consciousness. Robin was able to convince his wife that as of right now he was a "she". They needed to figure out how to make Robin a man again. They couldn't come up with any solutions, so they decided to turn to someone who they believed could help.

"I'll give him a call." Robin said.


	15. Make a Man Out of a Woman

**Special Thanks to cerealkiller49 for the idea for this chapter.**

* * *

Snake stood in front of Robin and Lucina's house. He knocked on the door three times and waited for a response. A few seconds later, Lucina answered the door.

"Hello." Snake simply greeted.

"Oh hello Snake! Thank you so much for coming!" Lucina praised.

"Well it is my job and how I make a living. So where's Robin? I was told he needed help with something."

Lucina cringed slightly at the word "he". She could feel how embarrassing this was going to be.

"Robin is just in that room over there. Go right on in." She answered.

Snake entered the room Lucina pointed him to. Robin was sitting at his/her desk.

"Snake, it's good to see you again." Robin began the conversation.

"Yeah I just got your call and-HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A WOMAN!" He shouted.

Robin's face turned a burning red, never feeling so embarrassed in his life.

"Yes I am. You see…"

"No no no! There's no need to explain! I'm not going to judge. It's your body…you can do what you want with it." Snake cut her off trying his best to make the situation less awkward.

"Wait Snake I…"

"Don't worry! My company does not discriminate against race, gender, age, or species." He continued.

"That's great but…"

"Though I am a little surprised. I didn't think Dr. Mario did sex change operations."

"SNAKE!" Robin snapped getting Snake's attention. "This is the problem, I accidentally became a woman."

Snake was quite for several seconds. Not sure what exactly to say.

"How do you accidentally get a sex change operation?" Snake asked.

"No no no! It's nothing like that. I was experimenting with some magic last night and something went wrong. After an explosion happened I somehow was changed into a woman."

"Ok, well that sucks for you, but what do you need me for?" Snake grew impatient.

"I need you to help me become a man again." Robin requested of Snake.

"Robin I can't perform a sex change operation! I also wouldn't want to…"

"What?! God no! Nothing like that!" Robin said disgusted.

"Then what are you suggesting?!" Snake said.

"I need you to help me run some experiments that can maybe change me back." Robin said.

"Isn't that what got you in this situation?" Snake asked.

"Yes, but it must also mean that I can change myself back."

"Doesn't sound very assuring."

"Look, work with me for at least 24 hours. Even if we don't succeed, you will still get your pay."

After taking a moment to consider his options, Snake reluctantly agreed to Robin's.

"All right. Tell me what you've had in mind."

* * *

Robin and Snake began working down in Robin's lab. Robin gave Snake the specifics of what had happened before he was turned into a woman.

"You think that large blast of electricity turned you into a woman?" Snake asked.

"Well I can't say for certain, but I do believe it was an important factor." Robin pondered.

"How about you do whatever you did again? It must have some sex change effect so if you do it again it should turn you into a man, right?" Snake said pitching his idea.

"That does seem to have some logic behind it. However I created that explosion by using a tesla coil, which got fried by the experiment. I don't have another one so I'm not sure if I can duplicate the results."

Snake brainstormed for another idea. Soon enough one came to him. He pulled out his shock-knife and showed it to Robin.

"I think we can make a substitute for it. Take a look at this."

"What is that a combat knife?"

"Not just a combat knife. This knife can actually produce an electric charge similar to that of a stun gun. The charge is enough to knock someone out, but not kill them. So basically it's a hybrid between a knife and a tazer." Snake explained.

"Well that's certainly a great piece of technology, but the electric charge of a stun rod isn't enough." Robin pointed out.

"I know. That's why I was wondering if you can super charge it."

"Super charge it?"

"Yeah! You can make electricity, and you can add elements onto weapons right? So why don't you charge this thing up to eleven and I'll smack you with a super charge." Snake suggested.

"I don't know, that sounds like it'll hurt."

"Come on! Don't be so feminine about this…oh shit! Sorry." Snake cursed himself after realizing what he said.

"Ok fine! Give me the knife." Robin submitted. Grabbing the knife from Snake, Robin began to focus all of his energy into charging the blade. After a minute of energy transferring, the knife was bursting with electric power.

"Ok here you go." Robin said and handed Snake the shock knife.

"I know you might be nervous, so I just want to let you know a few things to calm you down. Will this hurt? Hell fucking yeah it is. But I can assure you that it will not kill you." Snake told Robin.

"Snake! Just fucking do it!" Robin snapped.

"Oh right! Here it goes!"

Swinging the blade at Robin, Snake pressed the shock button just as the weapon touched Robin. Robin was blasted with electricity, shocking her from head to toe. Robin then fainted due to the immense pain.

"Hey! Wake up!" Robin barely heard Snake say as he began to regain consciousness.

"Ugh…Snake?" Robin asked with her vision still blurry.

"Yeah it's me. Are you all right? You passed out for a minute." He asked.

"My body feels like it wants to kill itself, but other than that I'll be fine. Did it work?"

Snake's face looked disappointed, and was reluctant to answer. "Sorry, but it didn't work."

"Well…shit."

* * *

After pulling himself together, Robin and Snake began to think of what to do next.

"You wouldn't happen to have any other ideas would you?" Robin asked in an almost condescending way.

"Actual I do, and this one doesn't involve striking you with electricity." Snake answered.

"Alright then. Shoot."

"Well, your experiment involved you combining two powerful electronic forces with each other. I've got a weapon that can shoot a powerful shot of electricity. If we connect my shot with your electric attack, we can possibly recreate the explosion." Snake theorized.

"Well, that actually sounds like a good…erm…better idea." Robin corrected himself as it would be foolish to consider any idea that causes an explosion as a good idea.

"All right I'll go get my Railgun."

With his railgun at the ready, Snake and Robin stood 10 paces away from each other.

"Ok, the Railgun can charge up to level three usually. But given the circumstances of this situation, I've modified it to go to level 5." Snake said.

"Couldn't that be dangerous for you?" Robin asked.

"Yeah it could, but I'll take my chances. I'm going to begin charging."

Snake pressed the button and the railgun began to charge up. He looked at the meter that showed the charging process, watching as the power increased in level. It hit level 2, then 3, then 4, and finally reached its maximum charge. I'm sure a shoop-da-whoop joke would be appropriate here but that's pretty outdated don't you think?

"All right! Charge is at maximum. Tell me when you're ready to fire."

Robin had also been charging up his lightning attack, and finished just around the same time Snake did.

"Okay, I'm fully charged."

"Alright. Ready?" Snake asked to prepare Robin. "FIRE!"

The two shot their electric attacks at the exact same time. Thoron and the level 5 Railgun blast collided with perfect timing. Another shockwave similar to the one Robin made went across the room, knocking both of them to the ground. Luckily neither of them were severely injured.

"You all right Snake?" Robin asked.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm fine. Let's see the results." Snake shouted across the room.

"I'm afraid it didn't work. I'm still a woman." Robin sighed in defeat.

"Let me take a look."

Observing Robin closely, he actually noticed something a little different about Robin. While his body was still that of a female, her face looked more masculine and his arms grew more muscle.

"Actually it looks like we made a bit of progress. You actually got some of your masculine traits back."

"Really! That's great! We should continue doing this." Robin cheered.

"I agree, but unfortunately we can't. That blast drained the railgun's battery." Snake regretted to inform him.

"DAMMIT!" Robin cursed and punched a wall.

"Don't worry Robin! We're going to figure this out. And don't worry about that 24 hour time limit. I'm not giving up until my job is done. My business never gives up on our clients." Snake promised and calmed Robin down.

"Okay. Thank you Snake."

"Don't mention it. Now let's get back to the drawing board."

* * *

Snake is a pretty smart guy. It may not seem like it at times, but he does have an IQ of 180. Since his knowledge of magic was very limited, he decided to try to solve Robin's problem with a more scientific approach.

"_Let's see. Men and women are different in many different ways but they do share things in common. They both produce testosterone and estrogen. Men produce more testosterone while women produce more estrogen. But they still produce both. Robin may be trapped in a woman's body, but he's still a man deep inside. I just need to bring it out of him. I've got to get that testosterone and adrenaline flowing in him. How can I do that?" _

Snake then thought of an idea. An idea he believed might be a bit extreme, but he felt it was worth the risk.

"Hey Robin, can I ask you something?" Snake asked.

"Yeah of course."

"How much do you love your wife?"

"Lucina? Well, I love her with all my heart and soul. She and our daughter mean everything to me." Robin said.

"And you would do anything to protect them right?"

"Absolutely."

"That's good to hear." Snake said. "Lucina! Can you come down here?" He then called to her. Robin was confused at what Snake was doing. Lucina came down stairs into the lab as Snake asked.

"Yes Snake what is it?" she asked.

Snake leaned in close to her and whispered something in her ear. When he finished Lucina slightly nodded. Suddenly, Snake got his pimp-hand strong and slapped Lucina across the face with the back of his hand, knocking her to the ground. Robin was in absolute shock. That shock quickly turned into rage.

"DON'T TOUCH MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!" Robin roared. He began to radiate an aura similar to that of a smash ball and his power increased dramatically. He charged at Snake and began throwing punches rapidly. Snake blocked the blows, and noticed that each blow felt stronger than the last.

"_It's working!" _Snake thought to himself. In the middle of his thoughts, Robin threw a ferocious punch that shattered Snake's guard. Robin pinned Snake against a wall, and began wailing on him with rage induced punches. Hitting him in the face, body, anywhere he felt like. Robin wanted to inflict as much pain on Snake as possible. After a minute of unending assault, Snake's face was bloody and battered. Robin grabbed his sword and prepared to finish him off. But then-

"ROBIN! STOP!" Lucina yelled, stopping her husband from murdering Snake. Robin turned to his wife, and the powerful aura disappeared. He let go of Snake, who fell to his knees in pain, and then rushed to his wife.

"Lucina! Are you all right?!" Robin asked greatly concerned.

"I'm completely fine Robin! Snake didn't actually hit me. We faked it." Lucina admitted.

"F-Faked it?! But why?"

"R-Robin. Take a l-look at yourself." Snake muttered while writhing in pain in the corner of the room. Robin went to the mirror and to his amazement, saw that he was now a man again.

"My god! I'm a man! How?"

"I pretended to slap your wife to make your testosterone go up. Since you've got magic powers I guess it allowed your body to transform back into a man. I don't know much about love, but you showed me that it's really powerful…and that it hurts like a bitch."

"Oh god, I'm so sorry Snake! Here I'll get you fixed up." Robin offered and used his magic to heal Snake.

* * *

Standing outside of the house, Robin gave Snake his payment for a job well done before he left.

"So here's your cash payment, but to make up for that beating I gave you I want to give you this." Robin said and pulled out a book.

"I'm not too big on reading." Snake laughed.

"No Snake. This is a book of spells. It can teach you how to use magic. Maybe it can come in handy." Robin laughed as well.

"Yeah, maybe it can. Take it easy Robin."

"You too. Good bye Snake! Thanks for your help!"

Getting in his car, Snake laughed about the events that occurred today.

"_That was one hell of a day, but another job completed. I guess I can say that I helped I woman become a man now, but that sounds weird. Hopefully I don't have to do something as crazy as this again."_

* * *

**Just in case in one noticed that I was inconsistent with calling Robin "he" and "she" that was on purpose. Thanks for reading. Review if you want and give a suggestion if you want. **


	16. Snatcher (part 1)

**Special thanks to Enker and Treble for the suggestion.**

**In response to lolrus555. "Pimp-hand strong" is a pretty common phrase used today, and I believe it originated from the movie, Date Movie. I have however played and love Godhand, so I got to give you mad props for mentioning it. At the same time, please don't ever talk about Godhand. It makes me sad, because I know that Capcom will never give us a sequel. Seriously fuck Capcom!**

* * *

Snake's most recent job is certainly one that he won't forget anytime soon. It will go down as the weirdest job he's done to date. After helping Robin turn back into a man, Snake felt that he deserved a day off at the very least. Lucas had been talking about wanting to go fishing lately, so he decided to take his crew out to do just that. They went to the nearest lake and set up camp. Snake, Lucas and Red were casting their fishing poles while Nana, Popo and Wolf had a grill set up to cook the fish.

"Good cast there Lucas." Snake complimented the boy.

"Thanks Snake! And thanks for taking us out here." Lucas said.

"Well I felt like we earned a day off. Hey Red! How are things going over there?" Snake called out to the Pokémon trainer.

"Doin' all right. Though I gotta say this isn't the type of fishing that I'm used to." Red responded.

"Oh really? You do fly fishing or something?"

"No, I'm used to pulling a water Pokémon out, having my Pokémon beat the shit out of it, and then putting it in a poke ball." Red bluntly answered.

Snake and Lucas looked at each other, startled by this violent method of fishing.

"Wow…that's really something." Was all Snake could say.

"Hey, you guys want to know something that I realized?" Red asked.

"I'm not sure if I do, but sure go ahead." Lucas said.

"We all got cut from the roster, and now we're all working together. Coincidentally, we're all characters that haven't appeared in video game for quite sometime."

"What are you talking about? I was in that Star Fox remake for the 3DS a couple years ago." Wolf retorted.

"Oh please! Remakes or remastered versions of previous games don't count." Popo said.

"Well fine! I'll have you know that there will be a new Star Fox game by the end of this year." Wolf bragged.

"Yeah I've been meaning to ask you something about that Wolf." Snake said.

"What would that be?"

"The last _actual_ Star Fox installment was Star Fox command right?"

"Yeah that's right."

"If I remember correctly, that game had…what, 10 different endings?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"So what? Which one is canon? How the hell is the storyline going to continue?" Snake asked.

"Yeah! Yeah he's got a point there. What's the answer Wolf?" Nana asked.

Wolf was silent, as he took the information in and realized how confusing it was.

"Well…I…I think that…"

"You don't have a clue do you?" Snake interrupted.

"Not a fucking clue." Wolf admitted.

"Thought so."

* * *

"Hey! Looks like I got a bite!" Lucas yelled.

"All right! Reel it in!" Snake said.

Lucas reeled his fishing rod, but the fish on the hook was putting up one hell of a fight. It was seen bouncing in and out of the water. After about a minute, the fish looked like he had it won.

"No! It's going to get away!" Lucas cried.

Snake was growing impatient and didn't want Lucas to have his day ruined by that asshole fish. He pulled out a M9 handgun equipped with a suppressor, and shot the fish with pinpoint accuracy. As planned, nobody saw him do it. Needless to say, Lucas had a much easier time reeling it in.

"YEAH! I caught it!" Lucas cheered.

"Good job kid!"

"Huh? Wonder why this fish has a bullet hole through it." Lucas pondered.

"Yeah! Isn't that something?" Snake feigned ignorance. "Anyway, let's get that fish cooked."

"Sure thing." Lucas agreed.

Suddenly Snake noticed something odd. Far in the distance, he saw a man watching them from the bushes. The man could tell that Snake had spotted him, and fleed.

"Hey guys? I'll be right back."

* * *

After making his way to the bushes, Snake was at the entrance of a forest. He got there fast so he knew that the man couldn't be far. Snake had a good feeling that whoever was watching them was hostile, so he came up with a plan.

"Shit! I can't believe I got lost in this forest. I'm all by **myself!** I sure hope nobody tries to **attack** me in my **vulnerable state!**" Snake yelled in obvious sarcasm.

Sure enough, the man jumped from a tree, attempting to attack Snake from above. Snake spotted him, and jumped in the air and performed a dropkick on his attacker. The man was on his back in pain.

"All right! Who are you?" Snake demanded as he walked up to the man. Upon looking at his face, his was horrified. "HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE ME!"

The imposter jumped back on to his feet and tackled Snake. The imposter had Snake pinned down and began to strangle him. Unable to escape from the imposters grasp, Snake grabbed his stun knife. He stabbed the imposter in the arm, making him release the hold and cry out in pain. To inflict more pain, Snake activated the shock while the blade was inside his attackers arm. Volts of electricity were sent throughout his body. After the shock ended, Snake pulled the knife out of the imposter and let him fall to the ground.

"You ready to start answering questions now?" Snake asked aggressively.

The imposter then opened his mouth, and Snake noticed a device inside the imposter's throat.

"_Is that…some sort of mouth cannon?"_

The imposter shot Snake in the arm with its mouth cannon.

"_Yeah that's a mouth cannon!"_

Snake arm was grazed by the energy shot from the imposter's mouth. The imposter started to get up once again.

"_No way I'm gonna get any questions out of him. I have to kill him."_

The imposter was now up and ready to fight. Taking aim at Snake, it opened its mouth cannon again looking for a fatal shot. Snake immediately pulled out his Socom pistol. The two shot at the same time. Snake was hit in the stomach, but he hit the imposter in the head, sending him straight to the ground. Snake walked over to his fallen opponent to confirm the kill, putting his hand over his wound as he walked.

"Well…d-d-done Sna-a-a-ake." The imposter spoke, sounding just like Snake. Looking at the imposter, Snake saw that the bullet tore off its flesh, with half of its face looking like a metallic skeleton.

"The hell are you? Some kind of Terminator?" Snake asked.

"I d-d-don't think that's the best way to describe me. Though killing is part of the j-j-j-job." The imposter short circuited as he spoke.

"Alright, then what should I call you?"

"I am a SNATCHER."

"A Snatcher? Sounds like something that should get a sequel." **(Seriously Konami…)**

"That's right! A SNATCHER!"

"Why do you keep saying Snatcher in all caps?"

"Do you want me to answer your questions or not?!" The Snatcher yelled.

"Alright, alright!"

"Good! We SNATCHERS are a milestone of technology."

"There's more than one of you?"

"That's correct! Our job is to kidnap and kill people of high importance, and then take their identities with the use of an advanced artificial skin."

"I take it you were supposed to role play as me right? Sorry, but you didn't pass the audition." Snake taunted.

"Very funny…yes I was to kidnap you, take you to our facility where you would never be found, and then act as you. Slowly but surely I would've been able to get the same thing to happen to your teammates. And though I failed, it doesn't matter. One of my brothers is on his way to snatch one of the Smashers. We take one, and eventually, we'll take the roster."

"Well it's stupid of you to tell me that cause now I'm going to stop that from happening."

"Y-y-you really think it will be that easy?" The Snatcher taunted.

"Well I was able to beat you wasn't I?"

"Defeating one of us is one thing, but differentiating us from those we target is impossible. Take a look at me. Aside from my face after you shot it asshole…I look exactly like you. Maybe you're able to know who the real you is, but can you know the same thing when it comes to someone else? With this skin, we have the traits of whatever we mimic. We can cry, sweat and even bleed! You won't ever stop us!" The Snatcher boasted and began to laugh with arrogance.

Snake realizing the severity of this situation, shot the Snatcher in the head out of frustration. After all was settled Snake realized that he was losing blood, but a little too late and collapsed.

"Snake are you ok!" Lucas called out with the group following him. "We heard a gunshot so we…OH GOD!"

Fading in and out of consciousness, Snake could hear his friends hovering above him.

"He's hurt, hurt bad." Wolf said.

"We gotta get him to the hospital!" Nana panicked.

"What the fuck is this thing!" Popo shouted pointing at the Snatcher.

Snake managed to mumur a word. "S-s-snatcher" and then passed out.


	17. Goodbye Lucas

Snake lied on a hospital bed, still unconscious. Lucas, Wolf, Red, Nana and Popo were all sitting at his bedside, waiting for their boss and good friend to wake up. The doctor had assured them that Snake would be fine as they were able to patch him up. He would still need to take it easy for about a week.

"It's been 12 hours. You think he'll wake up soon?" Nana asked.

"If I had to guess I'd say yeah. He lost some blood, not damage his head." Wolf answered.

"What the hell do you think was that thing laying next to Snake? It was like a robot, but it looked just like him. At least the half of his face did." Popo questioned.

"I don't think any of us can guess, but I'm sure Snake knows. So we'll find out when he wakes up." Red stated.

"Where's the body of that thing? We might need it for later." Lucas spoke.

"I brought it down to the basement of the office. I wasn't sure if it was one of those things Snake might want to keep a secret, so I hid it just in case." Wolf explained.

"Good idea."

There was then a knock on the door. Nurse Peach (Yeah she was a nurse in the Dr. Mario manual apparently.) came through with a letter in her hand.

"Lucas?" She spoke to get the boy's attention. "I was told to give this to you".

"Oh! Thank you Peach." He said. Peach shut the door and Lucas opened the envelope.

"Receiving a letter in a hospital? That's strange. Must be pretty important." Nana pointed out.

Lucas began reading the letter. It was from Master Hand, and he writes…

* * *

_Dear Lucas,_

_After a recent discussion with the board we have made a decision that we believe you'll be happy to hear. I'm proud to inform you will be joining the roster along with Mewtwo! Pack your bags and get here by tomorrow. You've got some training to do._

_-Master Hand_

* * *

Lucas was shocked and excited by the news. He explained to the others what he had just read.

"That's awesome Lucas!" Red cheered.

"Good for you kid." Wolf applauded.

"So when are you going to head out?" Popo asked.

"Well…it looks like I have to leave by today. I have to go to the training camp for a few months to get prepared. So I don't know…." Lucas paused as he looked over to the unconscious Snake. "I don't know if I'll get to say goodbye to Snake." Lucas sighed as his face saddened.

"Well…don't worry about it Lucas. We'll let him know. He'll understand. I'm sure he'll be proud of you like we are." Nana said to comfort the boy.

"No…I want to let him know in some way." Lucas decided.

* * *

It was eleven o' clock at night. Snake was in his hospital room alone. Finally he began to wake up. Taking a moment for his senses to kick into gear, Snake saw where he was and knew how he got here. He sat up, but the movement caused a sharp pain in his stomach.

"Oh right. That's where I got shot."

He looked over to his bedside drawer. There was some flowers of course, not sure from who, but there was also a letter. Snake picked it up and saw it was from Lucas. He quickly opened it and began to read it.

* * *

_Hey Snake. If you're reading this then I'm glad you're okay. But if you're reading this then it also means that I'm gone, and I'll be out of town for a couple of months…but I won't be working at Freelance anymore. I got a letter today from Master Hand telling me that I'm going to be put back into the roster. I really wish I could of told you in person, but I had to pack up right away._

_So I'm writing this because I really wanted to thank you. You came and you helped me and the others when we needed it. You gave me a place where I felt like I belonged. If it wasn't for you I'd still be moping and depressed in my house all day. I really enjoyed every moment working with you. I'm glad on my final day we got to go fishing together. Sure the part of you getting injured wasn't so great…but the fishing was fun!_

_So I guess this is where I saw goodbye for now. I hope to see you again soon. Maybe I'll have some favors you could do for me. Overall I'm going to miss you and the others. Keep the business going Snake!_

_ -Lucas_

Snake put the letter down and sighed deeply. It was definitely bitterswear news for him.

"Good luck kid…I'll miss you to."

* * *

**So yeah, I did get the news today that Lucas will be added into Smash 4. That's great news, but because of it I did feel like the story needed to follow Smash's current events. So taking Lucas out of the picture was a definite. Sorry but you won't be seeing too much of Lucas for a while.**

**Speaking of characters getting added to the roster, we the fans might have a say in who gets put in next. That's right visit the Smash Bros. website and click on the Smash Bros Character Ballot.**

**And tell Nintendo which character you would like to see in Smash 4. I'm sure you all know who I picked. Also, don't be stupid with the suggestions. Don't ask for anime characters, don't ask for a character that can't work as a fighter (Ridley) and other shit like that. Be serious with this.**

**I should be uploading the second and final part of the Snatcher arc soon.**


	18. Snatcher (part 2)

_I remember why I'm here. It was that Snatcher. He told me there's another one, one that's going to snatch one of the members of the roster. I've got to stop it!_

"Oh Snake! You're awake!" Nurse Peach cheered.

"Oh! Hello Peach. Nice to see you."

"Not as nice it is to see you alive and well!"

"I appreciate your concern. So how long was I out?" Snake asked.

"About a day and a half." Peach answered.

"Well that's not so bad. Thanks for taking care of me, but I got something important to do." Snake said as he attempted to leave.

"Woah woah woah! You can't leave! Your wound hasn't completely healed yet!" Peach stammered.

"Ok! Well how long 'till I'm healed?" Snake asked startled.

"It'll take about a week."

"A WEEK?!"

"What! What's the matter?!" Peach asked.

"I can't wait a whole week! There's something really important I have to do." Snake explained.

"Oh Snake relax. You know that's one of the things I like about you. You're very determined. You always want to get the job done. But you shouldn't over work yourself. If you do you'll eventually get overwhelmed." Peach pleaded with him.

"I appreciate the advice Peach, I do. I'll definitely take it into account in the future. But what I need to do is really important." Snake emphasized.

"Oh really? Just how important is it?" Peach condescendingly asked.

"Important enough for me to jump out of that window." Snake quickly responded.

"Wait, do what…"

And then Snake jumped out of a window.

"SNAAAAAAAAAKE!" Peach cried.

* * *

Snake landed on his feet, though the impact of the landing caused him to damage his ankle.

"OH GOD THAT KIND OF HURT!" He shouted. Don't know why he thought he would get away from that unscathed. He began making his way out of the hospital courtyard. Hospital security ran outside to look for him, but he managed to evade them, injuries and all. After escaping the hospital grounds, he got on his codec and began to make a call.

"Hello? Snake is that you?" Wolf asked over the phone.

"Yeah it's me."

"Good to know you're alive. I get everyone to come visit you in the hospital."

"Actually I'm not at the hospital right now."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I jumped out the window and escaped."

"Yeah that sounds like something you would do." Wolf said not surprised. "Can I ask you about that robot we found next to you when you passed out?"

"Yeah but first, do you know where it is?" Snake asked sounding worried.

"Relax. We took it to the basement of the office. I had a feeling that you wanted that thing hidden from the public."

"I knew I could rely on you Wolf." Snake complimented.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway can you tell me what the fuck that thing is and why it looks like you?"

"Yeah that's why I called you in the first place. Listen up…"

And then Snake explained to Wolf that it was a Snatcher and told him what the Snatcher's plan was. No need to re-explain it in detail, you all know what it is.

"Alright I think I understand. But if there's a Snatcher among the roster, why don't we just tell everyone. If we make them aware, then they'll be prepared to take it down when they find it." Wolf suggested.

"Believe me, I thought about that but there's a problem with that plan. The roster is bigger than it has ever been. There's over 50 people on the roster, so finding one rat isn't easy. If they find out about this, I'm afraid it will spread paranoia. People will be on edge and there might even be witch hunts, with innocent characters being accused of being a Snatcher."

"Fair enough. Sounds like this is a job you need to handle, but you don't have any equipment. All you've got is your clothes, and the cops are looking for you since you didn't pay the hospital bill so you can't come back to the office."

"Yeah…probably should've paid the bill…but don't worry! I've placed dead drops that have my gear all in several locations across town. I'm getting close to one right now."

"You did that in preparation for something like this?" Wolf asked.

"Sure did." Snake proudly answered.

"You know Snake, you're fucking weird sometimes."

"Better to be that than to be unprepared Wolf."

"Fair enough. Well good luck Snake. I'll let the crew know and make sure they got their story straight."

"Thanks Wolf. Until then I'm going to go radio silent. See you soon." Snake said and ended the call. Turning his codec off to cover his trail, Snake continued to head to his drop off point. He went to his dead drop placed behind a gas station. After collecting his sneaking suit and equipment, he made himself scarce and went into the forest.

* * *

"Alright, this looks like a good place to camp out." Snake thought. "Better start with stitching up my gunshot wound."

Taking out his suture kit, Snake slowly began the process of performing first aid on himself. While he was unconscious, the people at the hospital managed to stop the bleeding. Now he just needed to close it up. It wasn't too difficult, he had covered stitching a wound in basic training. He closed the wound and wrap a bandage around his body to cover it. Now it was time to fix up that ankle that he stupidly injured by jumping out of the window.

"Alright, I'll need a splint for this." He thought as he pulled out aforementioned tool. He applied the splint and…

"DAMN! THAT HURTS!" Snake groaned. After taking a couple of minutes to writhe in pain.

"Ok, time to do some reconnaissance." He thought and pulled out a directional microphone.

Positioning himself on hill that gave him a perfect view of the Smash Arena. With the Directional Microphone, Snake would be able to listen to conversations from afar.

"Alright, let's get this started." Snake said and pointed the microphone at the building. The speaker began buzzing and he picked up a conversation between Captain Falcon and Little Mac.

"So Mac? I know that boxing has had a history of cheaters."

"Yeah, there's been some bad apples but that's with every sport. What's your point?"

"So you can hide a bunch of stuff under those gloves right? You ever thought about hiding brass knuckles in them?"

"What? God no! I respect this sport too much and I respect my opponents." Mac said defensively.

"Relax! Relax! I was just kidding man." Falcon assured.

"Ok, sorry."

"Though I was thinking, what would my Falcon Punch be like if I wore brass knuckles? Or spiked knuckles! It'd be sick!"

"I'll just leave them to that." Snake said and stopped listening to the conversation. Turning the microphone somewhere else, he picked up a different conversation between Samus and Link.

"So Samus? You still involved in the bounty hunting business?" Link asked.

"Sort of. With the money I make here, I don't really feel like I need to chase after some low level thugs. I've only been taking the high profile contracts."

"There any interesting news?"

"Actually yeah. Dr. Mario placed a contract on Snake. Wants him alive. Apparently he left the hospital without paying."

"I see. You going to take that contract?"

"Hell no! The payment is way too low for the amount of work that I'd have to do. You know how Snake is. He isn't easy to find, and if you do find him he isn't easy to catch. Besides, I respect the guy, I'm sure he has his reasons." Samus explained.

"Yeah I don't blame you. I respect him too. Especially since he got that freak Girahim off my tail."

"Well good to know the huntress isn't coming after my ass." Snake said with relief and stopped listening. Moving the microphone, he picked up a conversation between Ganondorf and Bowser.

"You know, before this tournament I wasn't aware that you had children." Ganondorf said.

"Well now you know don't you." Bowser replied.

"Yeah I do…but there's something I've been wondering about them."

"What's that?"

"Who's their mother?" Ganondorf asked.

"Well that…I'm sorry what?!" Bowser asked in shock.

"Their mother. I mean I've heard of children who never know the identity of their father…but you rarely hear of the identity of the mother being a mystery. So who's the mother?"

After a long pause Bowser replied. "I have to go!"

"Yeah I thought so." Ganondorf said smugly.

"Perhaps the world will never know." Snake concluded.

"Come on, there's got to be a conversation that'll point me in the right direction." He thought as he moved the mic. He then listened in on a conversation between Fox and Krystal.

"Hey Krystal? Have you noticed anything strange about Falco lately?" Fox asked the vixen. The question caught Snake's attention and he turned the volume up and listened closely.

"Strange? What do you mean by that?" She asked.

"He seems to be less…arrogant." Fox answered.

"Hmm…now that you mention it, he does seem to be a little more humble and level-headed than usual."

"Yeah that's what I'm talking about! I can even tell during his matches that he's acting different."

* * *

Snake stopped listening as he felt heard all he needed to hear. He was glad that he had found a suspect. He packed up his equipment and prepared to leave, but he turned around to see five Miis in suits that were going to keep him from doing so. They had guns pointed at him by the way.

"Hello there." Snake greeted sarcastically.

"I gotta say, this is a pretty good hiding spot you got here." The Mii in the middle said.

"Thank you. I'd like to think I'm a good hide'n'seek player." Snake responded. "So, I'm assuming you're all here for the bounty, right?"

"You mean the one Mario placed? No, we don't give a shit about that."

"So why are you here?"

"Cause we heard somebody was snooping around in business that he should stay out of."

"What are you talking about?" Snake lied in an attempt to learn who they're affiliated with.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about. Now hands up, you're coming with us." The leader threatened.

Snake's suspicions were confirmed. They know about Snatchers, and they look like they don't want them to be stopped. For now he played along and put his hands up.

"You two! Search him for weapons." The Mii ordered two of his subordinates. They lowered their weapons and ran up to Snake and began patting him down. Snake had no plans of going anywhere with them. He was going to take action. But before going into combat mode, he first went into preplanning mode.

_Ok so I've got five enemies to deal with. 4 of them armed with pistols, the leader over there has an assault rifle. He's going to be the guy I capture alive. The two guys patting me down are currently distracted and have their pistols holstered. I can easily steal one of those and get my knife out. I think I've got a general idea on what to do after that._

Finished planning his attack, Snake went into combat mode and stole the Mii on the right's pistol and shot him in the leg. He smacked the Mii on the left in the face with the pistol to stun him before taking out his knife and stabbing him in the throat for the kill. He used the Mii on the right as a human shield and pointed his gun at the other three.

"I don't care if he dies! Shoot through him!" The leader shouted.

"DEREK! YOU ASSHOLE!" The Mii shield shouted.

"_Well I didn't expect that…"_ Snake thought. He charged forward as the three opened fire. His human shield proved to be useful, taking any bullet without it penetrating. With his pistol, Snake fired at one of the grunt Miis and killed him with a bullet to the head. Once he was close enough, he threw his corpse of a shield at the leader and knocked him down. Snake rolled out of the way from the other Mii shot, then shot him in the head. The leader had got up and smacked the pistol out of Snake's hand. The two of them fought at close quarters. The leader drew a knife and began slashing at Snake. The first slash cut Snake's arm, but he proceeded to dodge the other attacks. Snake dashed backwards to gain distance from his opponent. He pulled out one of his throwing knives and threw it at the leader, successfully hitting him in the shoulder. The leader screamed in pain and dropped the knife. Snake pulled out his pistol and apprehended the Mii, pointing the gun at his head for leverage.

"Ok. I'm going to ask you some questions. If I don't like your answer, then you can use that imagination of yours and guess what happens next."

* * *

**The final part of the Snatcher arc coming soon.**


	19. Snatcher Finale

**Special Thanks to Enker and Treble for the suggestion. And special thanks to you for reading, favoriting, following, reviewing etc. this story. You're all the big reason why I continue to do this. And now, the finale of the Snatcher arc.**

**By the way for those who don't know, Snatcher is a cyberpunk advernture game made by Hideo Kojima, the same man who made the Metal Gear series. It was released on a lot of systems, but the only North American release was on the Sega CD. It was a great game that unfortunately didn't sell very well in North America. I highly suggest you emulate it and check it out.**

* * *

Snake was able to get the information he needed out of the Mii squad leader rather quickly. His interrogation involved kicking the Mii in the balls anytime he didn't get an answer that he liked. It was an unorthodox approach, but it was effective to say the least.

"You know, interrogation has never been one of my areas of expertise. This was actually my first time ever doing it. Though I have to say I personally think I did a pretty good job. What do you think?" He asked the Mii who was on the ground writhing in testicular pain.

"Why…why didn't you just shoot me?" The Mii begged to know.

"Why the hell would I do that? Dead people can't answer questions. Why don't you ask your squad? Oh…wait…"

"You're a fucking monster!" The Mii cursed.

"Oh "I'm a monster". That's only about the 20th time I've been called that in my life. And every time it was somebody who was trying to kill me. And you and four other guys had guns and threatened me…so I think you all fall under that category, and I was justified in killing your squad."

"They weren't just my squad! They were my friends!"

"Oh sure they were! Remember when I used that guy as a human shield, and you told your squad to shoot right through him? You must have been REALLY good friends." Snake reminded him while laughing.

"Fine you got me there…" The Mii groaned.

"So you weren't bullshitting me about the location of the Snatcher base right?"

"NO! NO! IT'S THE TRUTH I SWEAR! PLEASE DON'T KICK MY BALLS!"

"Ok then. I guess I'll have to take your word for it. So you said it's a lab in the sewers. There's definitely going to be other scientist and guards, so how do you think I'm going to be able to wander around? TELL ME!" Snake demanded.

"H-H-HERE! IT'S MY SECURITY CARD! IT HAS ALL THE CLEARANCE LEVELS YOU'LL NEED! JUST DON'T HURT MY NUTS!" The Mii begged and gave Snake his card.

"Thanks. You've been a big help. Can't allow you to live though, cause I know you'll rat me out." Snake said and pointed his gun at the Mii's head.

"WHAT! I answered your questions! I thought you would let me live!"

"I never said I would let you live." Snake reminded.

"I fucking hate you!"

"I know."

Then Snake executed him with a shot to the head.

* * *

From the information he pulled from the Mii, Snake learned the location of the Snatcher base and that there was indeed a Snatcher among the Smashers. Snake could not get the identity of the smasher that was being imitated, as that information was not disclosed to the Mii. The Mii did confirm that whoever it was, they were imprisoned somewhere in the base. Snake made his way to the Snatcher base, located in the Mushroom Kingdom sewers. During his travel, Snake read that spell book Robin gave to him. He taught himself a few new moves and techniques. He arrived at the Mushroom Kingdom and found the nearest manhole and went down below. Sure enough he found the front door of the base deep within. He approached the front door, but two armed Miis were standing guard and stopped him.

"Stop right there! Who the hell are you?!" One of the guards questioned.

"I'm Derek of Mii Squad Lucifer Alpha." Snake answered using the identity of the Mii commander.

"Bullshit! You don't look anything like Derek!"

"Oh really! If I'm not Derek, then how could I possibly have this security card with Derek's QR Code on it?" Snake challenged them and handed one of the guards the security card he stole.

"Huh. He has a point." The guard said.

"Yeah he's got a QR code, let me scan that real quick." The other guard said and scanned the QR code. "Yep everything checks out. Sorry about that Derek."

"Not a problem." Snake laughed. "_I can't believe that fucking worked."_

Entering the lab, Snake saw the whole crux of this operation. There were several snatcher bodies made, waiting for an identity to be installed on them. His attention was diverted to a TV monitior that had a Smash Bros match playing. It was Falco facing off against Mario. Snake didn't think the scientist were just watching for entertainment, there had to be a purpose that benefited them. During the match, Falco began firing his blaster at Mario. However…something wasn't right.

"Is Falco holding that gun…properly?" Snake observed.

Indeed. Falco was holding his blaster with two hands similar to Fox, as opposed to the cocky one handed gangsta style he usually did. That just didn't match with Falco's more arrogant personality. Snake began to suspect something, but waited for anything else to happen, and it did. Falco used his reflector on one of Mario's fireballs, but he didn't kick it like a show off. He held it properly like Fox would. Snake came to a conclusion.

"_That ain't Falco!"_ Snake thought. He was positive that the Falco he was seeing was a Snatcher. He needed to find where the prisoners were held, as he was sure Falco was being held there. He traveled futher around the base, careful not to do anything that might draw suspicion. He finally found the detention area. Using the security card, he was able to open the door. Confirming his suspicions, he found Falco in a cell. He looked like hell. Snake could tell he was put through some torture.

"Falco! It's me. I'm here to get you out." Snake said quietly.

"Snake?! Oh thank god. How did you know where to find me?" Falco asked.

"I kicked a guy in the balls several times until he spilled the info."

"You did what?"

"Nevermind that. Let's get you out of this cell."

"Yeah! Good idea."

Though Snake didn't have the key to the cell on him, he summoned the power of Jill Valentine, the Master of Unlocking Things. With a shot of energy, he unlocked the cell.

"Woah! How the hell did you do that?" Falco asked in amazement.

"A little book Robin gave me. Had a lot of useful techniques in there. Now let's get out of here."

"Can't let you do that, asshole!" A Mii guard taunted, with a large group of guards surrounding them. "I had a feeling that you weren't Derek."

"Oh gee, I wonder what gave it away." Snake sarcastically remarked.

"The both of you are going to get in that cell. Don't try resisting. You're hopelessly outnumbered. Make this easy for the both of us."

"Falco. I have an idea." Snake whispered.

"What is it?" Falco whispered back.

"I'm going to distract them. It'll give you enough time to escape. You'll know when it comes, and when it does, you get the hell out of here."

"What about you man?"

"I'll be fine. I need to destroy this place anyway to bring this crooked operation down. Are you ready?" Snake asked.

"Yeah okay let's do it. But you better make it out of here." Falco said.

"What the fuck is the hold up?" The Mii grew impatient.

"STUN GRENADE BLAST!" Snake roared and shot a blinding blast of energy from his hand, temporarily blinding all the guards. Taking this as his queue to escape, Falco used his Falco Phantasm to quickly rush out of the base. After a few seconds, the guards regained their vision, and only Snake was in front of them.

"YOUR ASS IS DEAD!" The Mii shouted.

"STEALTH!" Snake shouted which activated stealth camo. Snake used the limited time of invisibility to run away from the guards, stabbing a few of them that were in the way. His camo wore off and the guards fired a barrage of bullets at him. He ran into another room for cover, but he noticed that he had taken a bullet in the leg. He ignored the pain for now and placed C4 in the room.

"Don't let him escape!" He heard a Mii soldier order. He heard their footsteps and could tell they were about to breach the room. He positioned himself up against a wall. The first Mii came in, and Snake quickly disarmed him and took his shotgun. Snake blasted him and the 3 other Miis that came in. He threw away the shotgun and took out an M4A1 Assault Rifle from his hyperspace arsenal. He ran out of the room and fired at the large group of Miis, even shooting a grenade from the underbarrel attachment for good measure. Bullets were flying all over the place, so Snake took cover behind some Metal crates. Again he saw that he got hit, in the shoulder this time.

"Peach is going to be pissed when I get back." Snake sighed. He ran into another room. This one was filled with barrels of gasoline. Snake was thrilled. With a well placed C4, he would be able to do major damage to the facility, possibly destroy it if he was lucky. After placing C4, Snake decided to not wait for the guards and crawled through a vent to try to get them off his tail. He briefly wondered how the hell they got vents and air conditioning installed in the sewers. Emerging from the vent, he was overjoyed to see he found another room filled with gasoline barrels. This was guaranteed to destroy the place. Placing the last C4, Snake attempted to make his great escape. He made it to the exit but was unfortunately blocked off by a line of guards. Soon enough, the other guards circled around him.

"End of the line Snake. You're not going to stop progress." A Mii commander taunted.

"I don't know about that. Falco escaped, so he'll be able to expose you and people will know the truth." Snake laughed.

"Yes it's true, Falco did escape. But that doesn't mean we'll be discovered. Once we finish with you, we'll simply relocate, and destroy all the evidence here. The Snatcher project will continue, whether the Smashers know about it or not."

"Why are you doing this? What do you even get out of this project?" Snake asked.

"Snake, our boss is doing this to benefit everyone who loves watching Smash Bros. Those Smashers cost money. They need to be paid for their work. All that money could be used for other things that will improve the Smash Bros experience. Snatchers don't need to be paid anything. People will be able to watch their favorite characters battle, while funds go towards other projects to benefit everyone." The Mii explained.

"Those Snatchers lack personality. I saw the way that Falco Snatcher fought. He had the personality of a rock. It had no flair, no charisma, no feeling of showmanship. The fans like those characters because of their personalities, so if your fighters don't have that people will lose interest." Snake explained.

"Don't you worry about that. We're still making sure all the kinks are worked out. Then we'll be installing personalities."

"So who's you're boss?"

"I'm not going to give you that information. You know enough as it is. Time to die."

Snake sighed in disappointment. Looks like his plan wasn't going to go like he wanted it to. But he needed to go through with it. He needed to destroy the place and all the people in it, even if he was still inside. All he could do was hope he would make it out.

"Hey I appreciate you sharing that with me. So in return I'll do you a favor."

"And what's that?"

"I'll destroy all the evidence for you."

*click*

What occurred in only a few seconds seemed to occur in slow motion to Snake. Three explosions went off at once. Bodies, machines, debris flew all over the place. He closed his eyes, ready to accept whatever would happen next.

* * *

It was all over the news. Falco had arrived at the Smash arena, and shot his imposter right in the head destroying him. The explosion in the sewers was heard and felt by everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom. Luckily it did no damage to the surface. Falco told everyone of Snake's heroics. How he broke him out, how he destroyed the entire Snatcher operation. Falco demanded a rescue team go down the sewers and find out Snake's fate.

"He owed me money!"

"Shut the fuck up Mario! I don't think I'd trust you to perform surgery on me."

"Are you really going to hold a grudge against a dead man?"

"Don't say that! We don't know that for sure!"

"I know Peach but look at him. He's bloodied, battered and bruised."

"He's a tough son of a bitch. It's amazing that he was alive when they found him."

"Alive, but in critical condition Link."

"Why do you got to be so pessimistic about this Ike?"

"I-I just…I just don't want to get my hopes up. It'll be all the more depressing if he doesn't make it.

"The guy gave me and Nana a job. He's just a true bro. A TRUE FUCKIN BRO!"

"Popo…"

"I remember when he first came here. We all thought he was cold hearted, a pervert, and he just didn't belong here. Then we learned about all the shit he went through. Despite the way we treated him, he never held a grudge against us."

"Yeah…he was willing to help us with our problems. No matter how ridiculous they were."

"I swear if he makes it, we all need to buy him special cardboard boxes."

Snake's hearing was still working while he was in his comatose state. Upon hearing this, his body kicked itself back into gear. He opened his eyes, and saw that all his employees and people he did favors for were standing at his bedside.

"What about cardboard boxes?" He asked.

"SNAKE!" They all cheered.


	20. Girls' Night Out

**Special Thanks to CATANATOR for the suggestion, albeit somewhat modified.**

**Also if anybody is good at drawing fan art or just drawing in general, could you PM me? I'm interested in getting a Cover image made specifically for this story.**

* * *

After being in the hospital for two weeks, Snake was able to leave. He wasn't fully healed but all the major damage to his body got patched up. Doctor told him that as long as he doesn't do anything strenuous he would be fine. He immediately got back to business. Returning to the Freelance Favors office building, he was given a warm welcome from his employees.

"Well look who we have here. The man that came back from the dead." Popo greeted.

"Good to see you too." Snake replied.

"Oh Snake! It's so good to have you back!" Nana cheered.

"Good to be back. How have things been since I was away?"

"Oh everything was just fine. Business didn't stop while you were gone. As a matter of fact, Red's out doing a job right now." said Nana.

"I'm glad to hear it. Well I'll be in my office. If anyone comes in send them up." Snake ordered.

"Can do Snake."

Going upstairs to his office, Snake was surprised to see several custom made cardboard boxes all around the room. He was overjoyed by this beautiful sight. My god was it beautiful. It was like Heaven…but with cardboard boxes!

"Yeah, they weren't bullshitting about those boxes." Wolf said from behind Snake getting his attention.

"They sure weren't. This is amazing!" Snake cheered.

"Apparently each one was either handmade or heavily modified. Either way, each one has a special trait."

"Really?" Snake asked being very intrigued by what Wolf told him.

"Yep. Peach made you one that makes cakes. Samus made you one that's got heavy armor plating for combat situations. Sonic's box allows you to run super fast, Rosalina's can go zero gravity, the list goes on." Wolf explained.

"I'm glad technological advances have finally been made in the cardboard box industry." Snake said.

"With that being said, where are you gonna put all of these boxes? They're taking up all the space in your office." Wolf asked.

"Oh that's easy! I'll just put them in this!" Snake explained and pulled out a cardboard box.

"You're gonna put all these boxes in one cardboard box?" Wolf asked looking at Snake like he was crazy.

"Not just any box. This is a bottomless pit cardboard box. I can store anything I want in this thing."

"Can you tell me how the hell that works?"

"Do you want me to give you a two hour explanation about how it works?" Snake asked.

"…uh…no."

"Well there's your answer."

"Fair enough. By the way have we made any progress with any of our investigations?"

"Yeah before I left the hospital, I snuck around and found a batch of those steroids Ike was given. I'll have to ask him about that later." Snake explained.

"Yeah I'm sure he'll explain it to you over a nice cup of tea." Wolf remarked sarcastically.

"You know what I mean Wolf."

"Yeah yeah. I'll see you later boss."

After cleaning up his office, Snake sat down at his desk hoping for some rest. He didn't get a moment for that.

"Snake! Samus is here. She wants to speak with you." Nana said over the intercom.

"Yeah okay. Send her up." Snake said rubbing his eyes. A couple of seconds later, the door to his office was opened and the bounty huntress entered.

"Hello Snake. Good to see that you're feeling better." Samus greeted.

"Thanks. It's pretty good to not be dead." He replied.

"You've become the talk of the town you know?"

"Oh really? Do tell." Snake asked.

"Yeah, everyone on the roster is talking about what you did. It's even in the papers. You've been called "The Hero who saved Our City!" Samus quoted.

"Oh god…" Snake sighed. "Don't go around calling me that."

"I'm not, but really Snake you did a good thing. You deserve praise for it."

"I'm not trying to be anyone's hero." Snake spouted.

"Well looks like you've become one hasn't it? So just take the compliments." Samus pointed out.

"Yeah…yeah. So what can I do for you today Samus?" Snake asked to change the subject.

"Well actually it's not just me…"

"Hmm?"

"I'm here on behalf of all the women on the roster." Samus explained herself. Snake was silent, looking very nervous.

"Snake? What's the matter?" She asked noticing Snake's strange behavior.

"Am I about to get dragged into something political?"

"Uhh…no." Samus answered confused by Snake's bizarre question.

"Ok then! Continue!" Snake replied returning back to normal.

"Uh…right. Yeah so I didn't want to be a part of it, but the other girls dragged me into it. They want to do a girls night out." She said to him feeling embarrassed.

"Ok. So do you need to borrow something of mine for it?" Snake asked.

"No Snake. I never thought I would actually have to ask you this…but we need you to help us out with it." She said finally getting it off her chest.

"What? Why? Do I look like a woman to you?" He burst into confusion.

"No! We just need you to be our…designated driver so to speak." She explained.

"What? You mean like drive you all in a limo?"

"Yes, that's right."

"But I don't have a limo!"

"Don't worry, Peach has that set up. You just need to drive it." Samus continued to negotiate with him.

"Doesn't she have a driver?" Snake asked trying so hard to find a way out of this.

"He's out sick for the week. Come on Snake! We'll pay you for your troubles." Samus pleaded with him.

"Ok fine! What's the plan?" Snake gave in.

"Oh thank you! Ok, we'll get the limo to you in a couple of hours and you pick us up from Peach's Castle at 7:00."

"Remind me again, whose coming?" Snake asked.

"Me, Peach, Zelda, Rosalina, Palutena, Lucina, and Wii Fit Trainer."

"Oh wow. That's a lot of women." Snake said. "Ok I'll pick you ladies up at 7:00."

"Thank you so much Snake." Samus further expressed her gratitude and then left his office.

"_I've got a strange feeling that things won't go as simple as planned."_ Snake foreshadowed.

However, much to Snake's relief, that wasn't the case. He picked the ladies up and the night went off without a hitch! Everyone had fun and Snake got paid.

**THE END…**

**Of that alternate timeline. Here's what really happened.**

* * *

Wanting to dress appropriately for being a chauffeur, Snake put on his New Game+ tuxedo and got in the limousine. As instructed he drove to Peach's Castle at 7:00. He greeted the seven girls that entered the limo, all of them dressed up for a night on the town.

"All right girls, get in!" Peach cheered as they entered the vehicle.

"Thanks again Snake." Samus whispered to him.

"Don't mention it. So where are we heading?" Snake asked.

"I don't know actually."

"What!?"

"Just wait for the other girls. They'll decide where to go first."

"First!? We're going to multiple places!?" Snake said under his breath.

"Yeah…I didn't mention that?" Samus asked out of curiosity.

"NO! No you didn't tell me that!"

"Oh…sorry." She apologized and hurried to her seat.

"Damn it!" Snake muttered.

The ladies were conversing with each other, deciding where to go first.

"Snake!" Zelda called to him.

"What's up? Decided where we're heading?"

"Yes, take us to the shooting range! We want to practice archery!" Zelda said with excitement.

"Are…are you serious?" Snake said shocked at what he heard.

"Yeah of course!"

Taking a moment to take that in…

"Well alright then." Snake said.

Taking the women to the shooting range as requested, Snake pulled up at the front, and opened the door for them to leave the limo.

"Well, what a gentleman!" Palutena teased. One by one the women got out of the limo, but Zelda stopped before getting out.

"What are you going to do Snake?" she asked.

"I'm just going to be in the parking lot. I'll stay in the limo and pick you all up when you're done."

"Oh, that sounds so boring!" Zelda moaned.

"It's all right, I'll be fine." Snake said trying to assure her.

"No way! I won't allow it! Park the limo and then come in with us! It'd be good to have you check on our accuracy." She demanded.

"No really, I'll be fine…"

"DO IT!"

"YES MA'AM!"

The ladies entered the shooting range with Snake tagging along (albeit being somewhat forced to). Zelda ordered an aisle for all seven women, and they got their bows out. Zelda was a crackshot, hitting whatever she aimed at. The other women were pretty good shots as well. Snake had to admit he was impressed.

"Well, what do you think Snake? Pretty good huh?" Zelda boasted.

"Yeah, you're all damn good shots with a bow." Snake complimented.

"What about you Snake?" Rosalina asked.

"Hey yeah! How are you with a bow Snake?" Palutena pressed on.

"Me? I haven't used a bow in a long time." Snake answered.

"Well now's a good time to try it again." Lucina said.

"I agree. Show us what you got?" said Wii Fit Trainer.

"No no, I don't think…"

"Come on Snake! You can use my bow." Zelda offered.

"Ok fine. I'll do it." Snake gave in.

The other ladies cheered. Snake took Zelda's bow and readied his arrow. He thought back to his training with his father, Big Boss. When they were in the jungle, and he taught him about using a bow for hunting animals. Snake had pinpoint precision back then, now it was time to see if he still had it after 20 years.

"Ok Snake, aim for the head." Zelda pointed to the paper target.

He aimed and he fired, and hit the target right in the head.

"I still got it." Snake muttered under his breath.

"Great shot Snake!" Peach praised him.

"Guess you still got it old man." Samus teased.

"Yeah good shot. But can you do it again?" Zelda challenged him.

Snake looked at Zelda and gave her a smirk. "You wanna make a bet?"

"I sure do. 100 rupees says you can't hit the head 5 times in a row!" She gambled.

"You're on!"

And Zelda left the shooting range with 100 rupees less. Getting back in the limo, it was time to change destinations.

"Where to next ladies?" Snake asked.

"Well, it's your turn Wii Fit." Peach said.

"I'm up for playing some dodgeball at the gym!" The fitness trainer said.

"Ok, the gym it is!" Snake said.

At the gym, the ladies found a basketball court for them to play dodgeball. Of course they dragged Snake into coming along "just in case". To their surprise, there were people there, 8 of them to be specific. All of them male. Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Pit, Robin, Link, Donkey Kong, and Wario were all there playing dodgeball.

"Well what do we have here?" Wii Fit trainer got their attention.

"Peach?"

"Mario?"

"Luigi?"

"Rosalina?"

"Pit?"

"Lady Palutena?"

"Robin?"

"Lucina?"

"Wario?"

"Wii Fit?"

"Yeah I get it! You're all surprised to see each other! Let's move on!" Snake yelled.

"What are you guys doing here?" Peach asked Mario.

"What does it look like? We're playing dodgeball. What are you doing here?" Mario asked back.

"We're having a girl's night out, and we decided to stop by here to play dodgeball." Zelda answered.

"Then why is he with you?" Link pointed to Snake.

"Don't look at me! I'm just the designated driver." Snake snapped.

"You went from stopping evil robots to being a chauffeur? That's quite a step down." Wario snickered.

"It's a living." Snake said.

"Hey I just thought of something! How about you guys against us ladies in dodgeball?" Samus challenged.

"Yeah sure. We'll do an 8 vs 8 match." Robin suggested.

"Alright! The eight of you verses the eight of…" Zelda stopped herself as she realized there were only seven girls.

"Hey wait, it looks like you only have…"

"I know Luigi! I'm thinking!" Zelda cut him off. She began thinking about how to resolve the situation, and found the solution when she saw Snake reading a newspaper.

"Hey Snake!" she shouted.

"What's up?" He asked.

"Come over here, we need you to play with us to balance out the teams."

"No way, I'm too old to be playing dodgeball." Snake refused.

"Aww come on Snake! Please!" Palutena begged. Snake simply turned his head and ignored her.

"Snake? If you play with us, I'll give you some of that jerky you really like!" Rosalina offered. The offer caused an internal conflict that boiled inside Snake. He didn't want to play dodgeball, but the thought of that delicious Jean Jacque jerky was too much. He gave into his urges.

"Ok fine I'll play damn you!" Snake said.

"YAY!" The girls cheered.

The 16 players took to the court, 8 on each side. 4 players on each side had a dodgeball, a total of 8 were on the field. Like a duel in the wild west, each player stood their ground.

"GO!" Mario shouted.

As the first wave of dodgeballs were thrown, Snake noticed something. Some of the players had a unique ability that allowed them to enhance their throws. Mario and Luigi were able to make the dodgeballs into fireballs, Zelda could enhance hers with magic, Samus would kick the balls with her jet boots, Palutena could throw hers with auto-reticle for better aiming, Link had power gauntlets on so he could throw balls that would hit like a truck, and Donkey Kong was an ape, so you go ahead and guess what's special about that. Nobody got hit from the first barrage, nor did anyone catch the balls. The second barrage had more success. Wario eliminated Peach, Samus eliminated Wario, and Link eliminated Palutena, but not before she eliminated Pit. It was now 6 vs 6, still an even match. The third wave did not favor the ladies' team. Lucina eliminated DK, and Rosalina eliminated Yoshi, but they were eliminated by Robin and Luigi respectively. Zelda and Samus were also eliminated, leaving it 4 vs 2. Mario, Luigi, Link and Robin remained on the male team, with Wii Fit and Snake remaining on the other.

"Not looking good here." Snake said.

"I know. We just have to remain…" Wii Fit was interrupted by a strong throw from Link that sent her flying back, with Snake catching her before she was knocked against a wall.

"Are you okay!?" Snake asked.

"I'm ok. Damn I'm sorry Snake, but it's up to you now."

"I'll do my best."

Wii Fit walked off the court. The 4 men on the other side of the court were looking quite arrogant.

"C'mon Snake! It's 4 on 1. You don't stand a chance. Just forfeit." Mario taunted.

Snake looked over to the sidelines where his eliminated teammates stood, all cheering him on, telling him that they believed he could pull it off.

"Not gonna happen." Snake answered.

"Alright then. Boys! Fire!" Mario commanded. All four of them threw their dodge balls simultaneously. Snake's instincts kicked into gear. He dodged three of the balls and caught one, eliminating Robin. He threw that ball back and hit Luigi, eliminating him.

"Holy shit!" Robin said in from surprise. The girls cheered as Snake eliminated the two. Mario looked angry at this.

Snake grabbed the three balls on his side of the court and threw them to the other two, but it look like he didn't try to aim at them.

"Nice aim!" Mario said sarcastically. Snake remained emotionless, not responding to his taunts. Mario motioned to Link to use throw a ball at Snake with his mega-powers. Link followed suit, but in a move no one saw coming, Snake caught the speeding bullet of a ball, which actually pushed him far back from the sheer force. Everyone was amazed at this, even Link was impressed, not being upset with his elimination. Mario was furious. It was down to the wire, 1 vs 1. Mario and Snake had a stand-off, staring each other right in the eyes. Mario suddenly began chuckling, much to Snake's confusion.

"Something funny Mario?" he asked.

"You're real full of yourself aren't you?" Mario responded.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You think that just because you stopped those Snatchers that you're some kind of hero?"

"I'm not here to be anyone's hero." Snake answered.

"Oh please! I've heard about what you've done in the past! I know about you saving Peach from those angry shoppers and that sniper back at Christmas, saving Samus from Ridley. What are you trying to do, make up for all the people you've murdered in the past?" Mario said trying to reopen a wound.

"Mario, I think you're going too far with this." Luigi stepped in.

"I agree. What's with you?" Link asked.

"Both of you shut up!" Mario yelled.

"Oh I'm sorry Mario. Am I infringing on your territory? You afraid I'm taking your spotlight?" Snake asked Mario in a condescending manner, making Mario angrier than he already was.

"I'm sorry if I saved Peach BEFORE she gets kidnapped, something you don't ever try to do." He said pissing Mario off further.

"I don't do the things that I do for fame, for glory or popularity. I don't care for any of that. I'm not trying to be a "hero", I'm just trying to do what's right. And by the way…what kind of hero has an underground business in selling steroids?"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Mario roared and threw multiple flaming dodgeballs at Snake. Again, Snake dodged the incoming projectiles, and made one final ballsy move. Mario had one more flaming dodgeball, and threw it at Snake.

"_This is gonna hurt"_ Snake thought and caught the flaming dodgeball, eliminating Mario while causing third degree burns on his hands. Mario was speechless. He fell to his knees, embarrassed and defeated. The women rushed to Snake and made one big group hug.

"Uh, thanks ladies but you're crushing me and my wounds aren't fully healed." Snake pointed out, causing them to quickly release him.

"Snake that was amazing!" Wii Fit said.

"And you said you're too old for dodgeball." Samus teased.

"Oh god! You're hands!" Peach shrieked at the sight of his burnt hands.

"Huh? Oh yeah, looks like I burned them." He said nonchalantly.

"Here, let me handle this." Zelda said and healed Snake's hands with her powers.

"Alright! Deus Ex Magica hands. Now let's get back to the limo."

The rest of the night went well. They stopped by a restaurant, an arcade, a movie, and finally a bar (Where Snake did not drink. Don't drink and drive kids, that shit's dangerous). Finally the girls night out had come to an end.

"Thanks again Snake for doing all this for us!" Peach said.

"Well it is my job, but I did have fun. I'll see you all around."

"Remember, I'll send you your payment in the mail." Samus reminded him.

"Thanks!"

Getting back in his car, Snake drove back to his office and crashed to sleep after that long night. But one thing crossed his mind before he went to bed…**Who's next?**

* * *

**That's your queue for suggestions. Thanks for reading. **


	21. Mario's Revenge part 1

**Special thanks to "Dark Pit not Pittoo" for the suggestion. Since this suggestion doesn't involve a job for Snake to do, you can consider this to be sort of a filler chapter.**

**Again, if anyone is interested in making cover art for this story, send me a message.**

_Well, looks like I let the cat out of the bag. During the dodgeball game that I got dragged into, I let Mario know that I was aware of his underground drug dealing business…right in front of 14 other people. Nobody said anything at the moment, seems like they didn't hear it, but I knew damn well that they did. I was supposed to keep that under wraps, but for some reason I just wanted to let it out. I never liked the guy, probably since the guy never liked me. Ever since I showed up, Mario seemed to have something against me. Maybe he didn't like that I rescued Peach during Subspace, thought I was stealing his thunder or something. He never said anything to my face, but a couple of friends told me about how he was telling the others that I "didn't belong" here. I would of thought that he would be more pissed that Sonic was on the roster, since the two of them basically were at war with each other during the 90s. But no, they're buddies and they're both making shitty Olympic video games with each other. Well I just realized I'm getting off topic. Anyway, it's no surprise that the next day what I said started spreading throughout the roster. Seemed like it was just going to be considered a rumor, at least that's what I hoped that it would be. But the news didn't stop spreading at the roster. It eventually got to the police, who were very interested for some reason. I was called this morning to come by the station for questioning. They promised that I wasn't getting arrested or in any trouble, they just wanted to talk. Didn't feel like I had a choice so I agreed to do it. Just hope they're telling the truth._

Snake entered the police station and walked up to the front desk.

"Excuse me." Snake said to get the officer at the front desk's attention.

"Hello, what can I do for ya?" The man asked.

"I'm Solid Snake, I was told to come down here for questioning."

"Questioning? Oh I see! That's right, Gillian wanted to see you." The officer remembered.

"Gillian?"

"Yeah, Gillian Seed. He's one of our top detectives on the force. He's probably in his office with his partner Jonathan Ingram. Follow me, I'll take you to them."

"I don't believe you."

"I'm telling you Gillian! I was born with blue hair, I didn't dye it!"

"Even if that's true you should dye it brown or black or something." Gillian told his partner.

"Whatever man." Jonathan gave up.

The officer from the front desk opened up the door.

"Hey Seed! Snake's here to see you!"

"Alright, let him in." Gillian ordered. Snake walked in the room and took a seat across Gillian's desk.

"Gentlemen." Snake greeted.

"Good morning Snake, I'm Gillian Seed and this is my partner Jonathan Ingram."

"Good to know, so why am I here." Snake said rudely wanting to avoid pleasantries.

"Down to business I see. I like that." Seed admitted.

"Sooooo...word on the street is that Mario is some underground druglord selling steroids." Jonathan said.

"Which street?" Snake snarked.

"Very funny. Well we've been hearing that you were the one that made this claim."

"Yes that's right." Snake answered.

"You do realize how bold of a claim that is right?" Gillian asked.

"But of course. But that's all it is though right? A claim. Last time I checked Detectives don't go after claims, they go after evidence. So why are you questioning me?" Snake jabbed at the two. The two detectives looked at each other, with Jonathan giving him a nod of agreement.

"All right Snake, we'll be straight with you. We actually have reason to suspect Mario is indeed selling drugs. We've been following this case for months but we always come up with nothing. And as far as we know, nobody else suspected Mario of doing so, but that was until you spoke up. So tell me, how did you figure out that Mario's selling drugs?" Gillian questioned.

"All right. I guess I can answer that question. My company is a freelance organization. We take just about any job that we're offered. One of these jobs involved investigating the source of a drug that was being sold to one of my client's family members. So in a sense, that involves me doing some private investigation work."

"Who's the client?" Jonathan asked.

"That I cannot answer. My company has a 100 percent discretion policy, a policy that has been approved by Master Hand himself. If I did tell even you, the cops, I would be breaking the law."

"Fine by me. The person's name is irrelevant anyway. So I'm guessing your investigation turned up something?" Gillian asked.

"As a matter of fact it did." Snake remarked.

"Alright then, let's see what you've got."

"No." Snake swiftly and strongly stated.

"What?!" Jonathan thought.

"What do you mean no?! We're the police! We need this evidence." Gillian reasoned.

"How do I know I can trust you? How do I know that you haven't been paid off by Mario and you'll get rid of the evidence as soon as I give it to you?"

"We're cops Snake! We want to help." Jonathan pleaded.

"Cops seem to be the last people you can trust lately. What with all these reports of them killing minorities and getting away-"

**SLAM!**

Gillian had smashed his fist on to the desk, damaging it and freaking out both Jonathan and Snake.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Gillian screamed at Snake.

"What's your problem?!" Snake panicked.

"You don't know how many times we have to hear this type of shit! Yeah I get it! There are some bad cops on the police force. But there are still plenty damn good cops on force who really do want to protect and serve! But when the civilians see those reports on TV and then they look at us, they hate us! They think we're a bunch of racists! That we're scumbags! So the last thing I need from YOU SNAKE, is to remind me of something that is COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL!" Gillian ranted with fury.

"Gillian…you okay man?"

"I'm sorry Jon, I just couldn't stop myself."

"All right, I trust you." Snake interrupted confusing both of them. "I like to think that I'm a good judge of character, so I think I'm doing right by trusting you.

"So you'll share your findings with us?" Gillian asked.

"Yes, but under one condition."

"Name it."

"Don't have Mario put in jail, he needs to feel the repercussions of his actions from his own peers."

"It's a deal then." Gillian agreed and the two shook hands.

_The evidence appeared to be the smoking gun for the police. With that evidence, they were able to get a warrant. They searched the hospital, found the drugs, then arrested Mario right there. As part of our agreement, Mario was not given jail time. Instead he was stripped of his doctorate, never to practice medicine again. He was looked at by the other fighters as scum. Gone was his legacy of being the good natured, princess saving plumber. Now he was former doctor who dealt drugs. Justice has been served, but I have a feeling this might come back to bite me…_

Mario was at his house, throwing things around in a fit of rage. He looks at a picture of Snake, his fist blazed with fire and burned the picture.

"I WANT HIM DEAD!"

**Sorry for this being so short after such a long wait, but I've had a lot on my plate. This chapter acts as a prologue for a request I got from Dark Pit not Pittoo. I just want to show people that this story isn't dead. I promise the next chapter will be a big one, and it'll be fun for me to write. I've also started another story called Wasteland. If you like post-apocalypse survival stories, check it out if you want. Don't have to, it's your choice. **


	22. Mario's Revenge part 2

**Again special thanks to Dark Pit not Pittoo for the suggestion.**

**Rest in Peace Iwata. Please understand…that you will be missed. I'll always remember you.**

* * *

At the arena, Mario waited in the lounge and watched the current match. He was scheduled for a match after this one, his opponent was unknown. As he watched the television, he overheard a conversation Bowser with some the other fighters all having some drinks.

"I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a paragon of heroism. Far from it. I've committed my fair share of evil acts. Kidnapping, destruction of property, attempted murder. But selling drugs! That's too far man! What if children get their hands on those?! You know what I'm saying?" Bowser asked the group who agreed with him. "I mean even evil has standards."

Mario nearly went on a rampage. Even Bowser, his arch-enemy, looked down on him for his actions. He clinched his fists, but restrained himself from attacking the Koopa King. Getting into random fights would just hurt his reputation even more. The current match finally ended, and Mario was called to the arena entrance over the PA system. He stepped on the portal to bring him to the stage of battle. He was transported to Battlefield and looked to see his opponent.

"Oh shit!" Mario muttered. His opponent was none other than Ike, the man that was tricked into buying Mario's steroids. The swordsman had a bone to pick with the plumber, and the anger on his face showed that.

"You…you little FUCK!" Ike roared.

"Hey hey! Calm down Ike!" Mario attempted to calm him.

"You tricked me. Sold me your filthy drugs! And now you shall pay for it!"

Mario didn't stand a chance against the wrath of Ike. He smacked Mario around, purposely keeping on the stage to inflict as much punishment as he could. Mario left the fight defeated and brutally damaged. He left the arena and went home in shame. He sat on a chair, and reflected on how his life took a turn for the worse. It was all because of one man…Solid Snake. Mario hated him with every fiber of his being. Enough hate to want the man dead. Mario placed a hit on Snake for a high price that was taken by every hitman in the criminal underworld.

"You will regret this SNAKE!"

Early in the morning, Snake was putting a new statue in the lobby of his building. More specifically, it was a statue bear flexing like a body builder.

"Perfect" He thought as he finally positioned the bear where he wanted. Then Nana and Popo came through the door for another day of work.

"Hey Snake! How are you…what the hell is that?!" Nana shrieked.

"It's my bear statue. A magic bear statue!" Snake praised.

"Why did you get a bear statue?!" Nana questioned.

"I just saw it at a store the other day and just thought it was too cool to not buy! I mean look at it! This bear is ripped!"

"What do you mean it's a magic bear?" Popo asked.

"Whenever the situation arises, you'll find out."

"I think you've lost your mind!" Nana claimed.

Then, a man rammed through the door. It was Blood Falcon, Captain Falcon's evil doppelganger.

"This isn't personal. I'm just collecting a bounty!" Blood Falcon taunted and prepared to kill Snake.

"I'm afraid I don't like your tone. Magic Bear!"

"Magic Bear?"

The bear statue came to life, and pulled out a gun and shot Falcon, flooring the would-be assassin.

"Did that bear just pull out a gun?!" Popo screamed.

"Damn right it did! Ok Bear, get rid of this guy's body."  
The bear picked up Blood Falcon and threw him to the skies, and then returned back to its original pose on statue.

"Alright, so nobody has a problem with the bear, right?" Snake asked.

"No sir."

"All right! Back to work!"

Snake went on his lunch break and thought about what happened earlier. Falcon mentioned a bounty, and Snake very recently did something to piss someone off. He very quickly pieced together that Mario has put a bounty on him. Snake didn't seem to be all that worried about it, and was going to act like he was completely ignorant of it. As he waited at his table in the restaurant, the waiter came with his order.

"Here's your sandwich sir." The waiter cheerfully said. Snake examined the sandwich and quickly noticed something was off.

"Can you go back and get one that doesn't have poison on it?" Snake deadpan snarked.

"U-u-uh pardon me?" The waiter nervously stuttered.

"The meat on that sandwich, I can very clearly see the poison on it. The meat's not supposed to be blue. Why aren't you assassin's clever like you use to be? Be more creative!" Snake teased.

The man dropped the waiter act and pulled out a gun. Snake pulled his gun out faster and shot the man in the head.

"Can I speak with the manager!" Snake yelled as people were still in shock as he killed a man in the middle of the restaurant. Sure enough the manager came to Snake's table who like Snake, seemed unnaturally calm for what just happened.

"May I help you sir?" He politely asked.

"Yeah I want to make a complaint. An assassin infiltrated your staff and tried to kill me. And the sandwich he gave me has poison on it. I did not order that."

"My deepest apologies sir. I'll have your sandwich made immediately and free of charge."

"Thank you!"

Returning back to his office, Snake sat down at his desk still very calm about everything. Wolf came in and spoke to him.

"Hey Snake."

"What's up Wolf?"

"I heard that somebody tried to kill you this morning and at a restaurant."

"Yeah that's right."

"Ok…you concerned about that?"

"Not really."

"All right whatever." Wolf shrugged. He went down stairs to the lobby and noticed blood all over the wall near the bear statue, and a man without a head laying on the ground.

"Uh Nana?"

"Yeah pretty amazing. The bear found a cloaked assassin and punched his head clean off."

"You're serious? I guess the bear is magic. I'll throw this body in the dumpster then."

"Alright thanks Wolf!" Nana cheered.

Later that day, Red went to Snake's office, who was just sitting there at his desk.

"Hey Red how's it going?" Snake greeted.

"Listen Snake, we need to talk." Red stated making Snake know it was serious.

"What's up?"

"I understand that you're a very strong guy and that you're not afraid of these hitmen, and the bear has also shown himself to be a very good security guard."

"Yeah?" Snake urged him to continue.

"But seriously, this is starting to get annoying. We're not scared of the hitmen or anything, but we don't like that we keep having to clean up their corpses from the lobby." Red complained.

"Hmm, when you put it that way that is a problem. I'll get this straightened out."

"Thanks Boss."

It was midnight, Snake was walking the streets of downtown Smashville. As he lit a cigarette, he began to think about the situation.

"All right, If I'm going to stop these attacks, I'll need to send them a message. A written letter definitely won't work. More like a message that involves broken bones and guys sent home crying. Basically, a good old ass kicking. Now where can I find a place to get ambushed."  
He looked around the dark streets to find such a place.

"Ah! A dark alleyway! Perfect!" He thought as he walked down the alley. Suddenly but not surprisingly, he was surrounded by a large group of hitmen.

"Oh no! How unexpected!" Snake sarcastically cried.

"You're a stupid mother fucker for walking down a dark alley at midnight." One of them insulted.

"Yeah sure. Now come on guys, let me ask you. Is this bounty really worth it? I've already killed a few of you, not to mention my magic bear."

"100,000 coins is a pretty big payment for one guy!" A hitman replied.

"Okay I don't mean to sound arrogant but, "one guy?" Did Mario tell you guys anything about me? About what I did for a living?"

"You're just an old soldier, that ain't anything special."

"Wow, that's really all he told you. Listen guys, over the past several months I've seen and done some crazy shit as part of my job. 12 guys trying to kill me with guns is nothing special. The odds are not in your favor."

"Are you actually that crazy? You're surrounded! The odds are not in your favor! We're gonna kill you, and we're gonna get paid!"

"All right. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Snake took the cigarette from his mouth and flicked it at one of the hitmen, hitting him in the eye. Enraged, he charged at Snake with a knife. Snake disarmed him and broke his arm and stole his gun, leaving him incapacitated. He then used Active Camoflauge to make himself invisible. The hitmen freaked out and began spraying shots in hopes of hitting him.

"_Remember, wound them. No kills." _Snake thought.

Moving to one hitman, he capped him in both of his kneecaps, causing him to fall to the floor. He kicked his gun away from him for good measure. He went to the next hitman and CQC slammed him hard on the ground knocking him unconscious. At this point, the hitmen used up all their ammo blindfiring. Snake felt it was Snake to decloak. He wanted a bit of a challenge at the very least. Two hitmen charged at him, fist at the ready. He blocked one's punch and ducked the others kick. He knocked both of them on the ground with a swift leg sweep. Another one charged at him with a stun gun. His arm was broken and Snake tazed him until he lost consciousness. One came up from behind him and attempted to put him in a full nelson. Snake overpowered him and tossed the man over his hip and kicked him hard in the skull. Another one bravely fought Snake head on, but just couldn't match Snake's CQC. Snake knocked him out and broke his arm and leg in the process. The next attacker attempted to tackle Snake. He used the man's momentum against him and lifted him up and performed a spine buster.

"OK! FUCK THIS!" The other hitmen cried as they ran away. One of the men beaten by Snake had gotten up and tried to limp away. Snake saw him in the corner of his eye.

"You!" Snake pointed.

"OH GOD! DON'T HURT ME!" He begged.

"I won't, so long as you promise to tell your buddies about what happened here. Tell them to stop trying." Snake demanded.

"You bet! I promise!" He agreed and hobbled away. Snake, satisfied with his work, walked back home without any trouble, a slight grin on his face.

"The hell do you mean you're not going to carry out the hit!" Mario yelled over the phone.

"Hey! You didn't give us a very good idea of who we were up against asshole!" Blood Falcon snapped back on the line.

"What! The old man too much for you?!"

"Truthfully, yeah he is. He took down about 9 of our guys unarmed. He didn't even kill them. He purposely left them alive because he knew he could. Made the other 4 guys shit their pants and run away. Also! The dude has a fucking magic bear that punched a guy's head clean off and shot me in the back!" Blood Falcon explained.

"I don't see…hold on, what was that? You said a bear?!"

"Yeah, a magic bear."

"A bear…pulled out a gun…and shot you."

"Like I said, it's a MAGIC bear."

Mario took a brief moment to comprehend that statement.

"Look I'll raise the price, what do you want?"

"I don't care how many coins you're willing to pay, I can't collect a bounty when I'm fucking dead!"

"He can't seriously be that much of a problem!"

"Oh OK! You make it sound like he's nothing special. Then why do you need us to do your dirty work? Aren't you a "Smasher"? Can't you fight him yourself?"

"Of course I can!" Mario claimed in his defense.

"Then why don't you?" A third voice on the line spoke.

"WHAT! WHO IS THIS?!" Mario demanded to know.

"If you're as tough as you claim you are then you would have just challenged me. Instead you were a coward and hired hitmen."

"Snake?!" Mario realized.

"I'm hanging up now." Falcon said and left the call.

"Good, now we can speak in private." Snake chuckled.

"The hell do you want?" Mario asked angrily.

"Me? I'm not the one who really wants anything. That's you. You put the bounty on my head. Though it looks like no more bounty hunters are coming for me. That's why I want to ask you…what are you going to do? Are you going to get your revenge yourself? Or are you afraid?"

"I am not afraid of you!"

"Good to know. So how are we going to settle this?" Snake asked remaining calm and collected throughout the call.

"You and me…tomorrow…we'll fight on the street in front of the arena. With all the other Smashers watching."

"That's more like it. I'll be there, hope you'll do the same." Snake said before hanging up. Mario began sweating and filled up with rage. He chopped his desk in half and cursed to the heavens.

The next day, the big event. Everyone was told to gather around outside the arena. That there was going to be a match between the two, and it was going to be heated.

"Is this really necessary? Why do they have to fight?" Peach asked.

"Well Snake didn't want this, but Mario won't leave us alone." Red told her.

"I've never seen Mario so angry before." Luigi said.

"Me either, and him and I have been fighting for over 20 years." Bowser chimed in.

Minutes later Snake showed up, standing at one end of the street.

"There he is!" Pit shouted to the applause of many of the fighters. Snake did not acknowledge the crowd, focusing solely on the fight. Not too long after, Mario appeared on the other side of the street and the crowd went silent.

"Mario! Call this off! There's no need…" Luigi begged.

"SHUT UP!" Mario roared and readied a fireball to throw at his own brother.

"HEY!" Snake roared catching Mario's attention. "This is between you and me! No one else! Don't touch any of them!" He demanded.

The fire died from Mario's hand and he focused back at Snake. The two began to walk toward each other. The two were at a standoff, like cowboys in the Wild West. This battle was about to begin.

* * *

**The finale for this arc is next, and it will be very soon. I promise.**


	23. Mario's Revenge Finale

"Your brother is right you know?" Snake began. "There's no need for us to do this, no need for more violence. We can call this off and nobody will think any less of us. In fact I think you'll gain a little respect for stopping this petty revenge quest."

"Shut up Snake! You ruined me! Destroyed my reputation!" Mario snapped at him. Snake couldn't help but laugh at his statement.

"I'm sorry, is this the narrative that you're going with in your head? You're the victim, and I'm the big bad villain?" he chuckled. "Of course right? Cause that's what villains do. They inform the police of the HERO'S CRIMES."

Mario roared in anger and charged at Snake. He jumped in the air and attempted his forward air punch as he fell towards Snake. Snake avoided it with a simple backdash. Strangely, he did not punish his opponent's missed attack, and instead kept talking.

"You need to face reality Mario. You ruined your own reputation whenever you decided to start selling steroids."

Mario attacked Snake again, this time with his standard combo, a punch-punch-kick. Snake blocked the three blows but the kick had enough force to move him back a couple of feet. Mario attempted to follow up, but Snake let out his first attack in the form of a spinning roundhouse kick to the stomach, knocking him back a good distance. Mario recovered quickly from the hit.

"You shouldn't be here…you know that?" Mario spoke.

"Pardon me?"

You were incredibly lucky to be allowed into the third tournament! But now your ticket is expired. You don't belong here! Why do you continue to stay?" Mario questioned.

Snake looked over to the audience, looking at the other fighters. All the new friends he had made during his time spent in this realm. While Mario was correct, it was not his realm, his friends made him feel like this was his home now.

"I don't know…I guess the place kinda grew on me." Snake smiled. "Must be the food. It's pretty damn good." He cracked wise. "Besides, the Konami realm is looking like a really shitty place to be right now."

Mario rushed his opponent, hitting him with his dash attack, knocking Snake's feet off the ground. Snake did an impressive tech roll, catching himself as he landed and rolled away from Mario. Mario charged up one of his signature fireballs and hurled it at Snake. Snake decided now would be a good time to use one of the new moves he learned.

"ARCFIRE!" He yelled throwing his own bolt of fire at Mario's. The two projectiles negated the other and disappeared on contact. The crowd was in awe of the special move Snake used, with Robin among them looking very pleased.

"Mhm! That's right! I taught him that technique!" He boasted. Mario was in shock himself.

"You…how did you use another fighter's move?!"

"My line of work really has its perks." Snake grinned and got back into fighting position. Mario went back on the offensive, attempting an aerial attack on his foe. Snake retaliated with a fierce anti-air uppercut that hurled Mario to high up in the air.

"What an answer!" Ryu echoed the words of Seth Killian in the crowd. You will not be blamed if you didn't get that joke.

Mario landed on his back with great impact. He got back up, though he did feel some pain. This only seemed to anger him, as he began a rapid assault on Snake. Fast punches, fast kicks. Snake's reflexes were sharp, as he managed to evade or block many of the strikes. However it seemed that not even the fastest reflexes were enough to completely escape this flurry of attacks, as a few punches and kicks managed to hit their mark. Mario mixed things up a bit and grabbed Snake. He really wanted to dish out some pain, as he began pummeling Snake with headbutts instead of following up with a throw. He got a little too carried away with the pummeling, as Snake was able to quickly break out of Mario's grasp. Now it was Snake's turn, as he followed his grab escape with a grab of his own, putting Mario in his famous chokehold. Unlike his opponent, Snake did follow up with a throw, using his back throw specifically. Mario began to get up after the painful throw, but Snake would not allow him any breathing room, hitting him with a well-executed dropkick right as the plumber got to his feet. Mario was back on the ground, and Snake approached him as he began recovering. Mario surprised Snake with a powerful wake-up attack, his up-special Star-Coin Uppercut. Now it was Snake that was lying on the ground. Mario refused to let Snake get back up. He grabbed Snake's legs as if it was Bowser's tail, and spinned him around before throwing him in the same manner as he would his aforementioned enemy. Snake was a bit dazed from the attack, looking disoriented as he got back to his feet. Mario let out an evil sounding laugh. He was feeling quite confident with the way things were now going. Mario prepared to strike Snake as soon as he got up, but Snake threw a swift jab right into Mario's cheek, disrupting his attack. The hit may have stung, but it didn't have much knockback to it. The man in red struck back with a very similar punch. Like Snake's jab, Mario's did not have a big hitstun factor, allowing him to retaliate quickly. This time Snake hit his adversary with a 1-2 punch combo, and Mario did the same afterwards. Having enough of using light attacks, the two attacked with a slower but powerful punch. Their attacks struck the other in the face at the same time. Despite the power packed in the blows, neither of them seemed to get knocked back, or even flinch for that matter. They stared at each other with ferocious glares, and withdrew their fists from the others face.

"That was one hell of a trade." Samus commented.

"I'll say! Neither one of them even staggered from that!" Ike agreed.

The two warriors were ready to strike again. It seemed their attack patterns were in sync. The both attempted to kick the other's head, causing their feet to collide, effectively stopping both their strikes. They kicked with the other leg, and the same thing happened. Mario went for a right cross. Snake blocked. Snake went for a left hook, Mario blocked. Mario did a leg sweep, Snake jumped. Snake went for a roundhouse, Mario ducked. A continuous pattern of attacks being blocked or avoided took place for almost 2 minutes. Trying to break this gridlock, the two backdashed from each other. They charged up a punch. Mario's fist glew with an aura of fire, and Snake's glowed with an aura of electricity. They dashed towards each other with their super powered fists, and threw the punch. In an event no one expected, their knuckles collided with each other, causing a shockwave around them. The crowd felt it, that's for sure. Neither one retracted their fist from that position. Instead the appeared to be having a test of strength, seeing who could overpower and shove the other with only one hand. The two glared at each other with a look that could kill. They both broke a sweat in this fierce power struggle. Mario's furious frown showed nothing but rage, but Snake still had a smirk on his face.

"The hell are you smiling about?!" Mario fumed.

"I'm impressed! You're stronger than I remember! Why didn't you just challenge me in the first place?"

"I don't have to answer anything to you!" Mario yelled and was able to move Snake's fist back slightly.

"Fine by me!"

"Why couldn't you just keep your nose from where it doesn't belong? Why did you want to ruin my reputation?" Mario asked.

"You think I exposed your actions out of hatred for you? Then you're wrong." Snake answered. "What you did to Ike was wrong, and it was my job to stop you!"

"Do you think you're the smasher's hero or something? You're not! You're no hero and you never will be!" Mario spat and pushed Snake's fist back a little more as his rage grew stronger.

"I know I'm no hero! I never said I was!" Snake roared back, anger began to grow in his voice.

"That's right! You're a killer!" The plumber taunted.

"Oh we're having this conversation again are we?"

"You can't escape your past! You're a killer! A murderer! A monster!" Mario screamed at him hoping to invoke anger or guilt into his foe. Yet Snake would not lose his composure. This baffled Mario, and even scared him a little bit.

"Ok I'm calling you all these things and you don't seem to care! CARE DAMN IT!" He demanded.

"NO!" Snake responded decisively.

"WHAT?!"

"I've accepted how things are! I know what I've done! I've felt the guilt!" Snake confessed. "And you know what? It's a good thing. To feel guilty…it lets you know that you are human…something that for the longest time I thought I wasn't."

Mario felt even more complexed. Here he was in the heat of combat, and his enemy is all of a sudden talking about morals. What the hell was going on? He then noticed that his hand was suddenly being pushed back. He grew frightened.

"I know that I can't change the past. I can't change the person I was back then." Mario's fist was pushed further.

"But I can DAMN SURE!" (further)  
"CHANGE WHO I AM!" (further)  
"TODAY!" Snake shouted with pride. Power surged through him, and he finally shoved Mario far back with his fist, sending the plumber crashing into a wall. The crowd cheered for him, but the battle was not over yet. Snake walked to his opponent, who was getting back to his feet after the power struggle.

"DAMN YOU!" Mario cursed.

"I've got a feeling that you think that your undying rage and hatred will give you the power to win this fight." Snake observed.

"Don't lecture me!" Mario screamed and threw powerful but sloppy blows. The lack of finesse from these attacks made avoiding them all too easy for Snake.

"You need to accept that what you did was wrong. Accept your flaws!" Snake advised. Mario attempted to smash into Snake with a powerful shoulder bash, but Snake sidestepped it like a bullfighter. Mario looked like a fool as he fell to the ground because of the missed attack. Mario sprung back to his feet, and Snake stood right in front of him, just looking at him. Mario began charging his forward smash. It would be easily avoided if Snake just moved a step or two back, but he refused to move to the confusion of the other fighters.

"Snake! What the fuck are you doing?!" Captain Falcon yelled.

"If that hits you at full charge it'll burn you alive!" Rosalina panicked. Snake said nothing and stayed in place.

"DIE!" Mario roared and released the full powered attack. The sound that came after was…"**CLANK!" **That wasn't the sound of a person in agony. He opened his eyes and saw his opponent still in front of him, completely unscathed.

"WOAH! That perfect shield was badass!" Sonic cheered and others did the same.

Mario was now struck with fear. Why was he doing this? He wasn't even attacking back. He was just standing there. His mind was scattered, he was losing focus. He punched Snake hard in the face. Snake took the blow like a champ, and then kicked Mario's face with greater force. Blood was now falling from both of their faces. Like a maniac, Mario charged at Snake and just unleashed a frenzy of attacks. For every hit Snake took, He hit Mario with a stronger one. They went blow for blow, but Mario was losing, getting weaker by the second. The time came, and Mario was exhausted, falling onto his knees. Snake was a little fatigued as well. Though the sight of Mario on his knees a pathetic one.

"Just give up Mario. I don't want to end this with a brutal finisher." Snake pleaded with him.

Mario suddenly super jumped high into the air and held a massive ball of fire in his hands.

"I…I won't be defeated! Not in front of all these people!" He screamed. He aimed the massive fireball…at the other fighters!

"MARIO! DON'T!" Snake screamed.

In an act of desperation, Mario hurled the fire down at the spectators.

"SONIC! GIVE ME A SPRING!" Snake ordered the hedgehog.

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU GON-"

"NOW!" Snake screamed.

Reluctantly, Sonic spawned up a spring board as Snake requested. Snake jumped on it for a massive vertical jump. Snake jumped up and grabbed Mario, and dragged them both into the fireball the plumber threw. Upon contact, the fireball exploded high enough in the air so that it wouldn't hurt the others, just as Snake planned. Everyone was horrified at what just happened, and what was the possible fate of the two of them. Not too long after the explosion, the two fell down to the earth with massive impact. Everyone look on in horror. The two lied on the hard concrete, motionless. The crowd split, rushing to one of the two fighters.

The many clients Snake helped in through his business rushed to his side.

"Snake please get up!" Peach and Rosalina begged.

"Damn it Snake! Wake up!" Link shouted. "Come on you bastard! You're strong!" Ike pleaded.

"Robin can you do something?" Lucina frantically asked her husband.

"I'm not sure! I'll see!" Robin said nervously.

Nana cried on Popo's shoulder, and soon many of the others cried as well. Wolf then stood over Snake's body, looking emotionless about the situation. He then looked at the others and said…

"You all know he's gonna get up right?"

They looked at him perplexed.

"What? How can you say that for sure?" Red asked.

"Well…because he knew that I had rations equipped." Snake said as he woke up. "Thank God for rations."

The others were overjoyed to see Snake still alive. They helped him back up to his feet, and then he made his way towards Mario.

"Out of the way! Out of the way!" Snake ordered, making the fighters around him spread out. Walking up to Mario's motionless body, he pulled out a ration and shoved it in his mouth. Mario then rose specter of death, and got to his feet.

"What the hell hap-"  
He was cut off as Snake kneed him in the face and finished with a hammer punch, knocking the plumber back on his ass.

"Ok there we go. Fight's over. Everyone can go home now." Snake simply said. Though definitely not the ending they were expecting, the fighters shrugged and went back home.

"See you back at the office Snake." Nana said and he waved to her. Finally it was just him and Mario alone on that street. He went up to Mario and kneeled down. He was conscious but too weak to speak.

"I know you can't say anything but that's fine, I don't need you to. I'll just tell you this. What you did today was absolutely horrible. That being said, it's not necessarily unforgivable. I know what it feels like, to have done something you believe to be an atrocity that cannot be forgiven by anyone. But that's wrong. People may never forget the horrible things we've done, but they can be willing to forgive them. That goes for everyone. So when you're able to get back on your feet and talk, just turn over a new leaf. Show people that you know what you did was wrong and that you are sorry for it. Tell them that you will change, and then show them that you have changed. The results may not be instant, and some people may never be willing to forgive you, but that's fine. My point is…your reputation can change for the better. You just need to work towards that goal. See you around."

And so Snake returned home, ready for whatever the future may hold for him.


	24. Cardboard Therapy

**Special Thanks to "A Reader" for the suggestion for this chapter. And yes that is his/her username. Sorry this one's a little short, but I didn't think there was too much to do with it but it was funny enough to write about.**

* * *

Even after the big street fight that happened the other day, Snake was not kept from his work, back in his office the next day. The phone on his desk began to ring. It was Nana.

"What's up Nana?"

"Hey Snake. Lucario is here. Wants to talk to you about a job."

"Alright go ahead and send him up."

"You got it!" Nana said and hung up. Not too long after Lucario entered his office.

"Good to see you friend." Snake warmly greeted the Pokémon and motioned for him to take a seat.

"Likewise Snake."

"So what can I do for you?"

"Actually it's not me that needs something. It's Meta Knight." Lucario informed Snake.

"Meta Knight? Well why didn't he come, is he busy? Cause if he didn't know he can call me to discuss a job. I thought we got that advertisement out." Snake wondered.

"No, no, no! The advertisement was out. Everyone on the roster knows that we can call, even Meta Knight. The problem is…well…complicated."

"Come on Lucario, I'm sure you know I have dealt with a lot of crazy problems. I once had to help a guy turn back into a guy after doing an accidental sex change!"

"Well…WAIT! What was that?" Lucario freaked out.

"Uh…nothing! Point is I've dealt with a lot of "complicated" problems so go ahead and tell me what you need."

"Well Snake…have you ever dealt with anyone suffering from depression?" Lucario asked.

Snake's look of confidence disappeared and was replaced with one of despair. "Well shit! That kind of problem huh?"

"Yeah…that kind." Lucario sadly confirmed.

Snake let out a deep sigh before continuing. "Ok, so what's the deal?"

"Meta Knight is really showing signs of depression."

"Do you at least know the cause? Because I really don't want to play consular and have to get the answer out of him through therapy. I really suck in that area."

"Luckily for both of us I do know the root of the problem." Lucario assured.

"_Thank God!_" Snake thought with relief. "Good, so what's his deal?"

"Meta Knight is distraught over the realization that he is not as strong as he was in the previous tournament."

"A-Are you serious?"

"Yes. Is there a problem?"

"Well yeah! That's such a petty thing to be depressed over. I mean Ganondorf was the worst fighter last tournament and he never got depressed. He may have tried to kill all of us and conquer subspace, but he never got depressed."

"Whatever! Will you do it or not?!" Lucario angrily asked.

"Alright! I'll do it!"

* * *

Snake visited the arena later that day. He saw Meta Knight walking down the hall after the match. Even though his mask only allowed him to see approximately 97% of his face, he could tell that Meta Knight was upset.

"Alright…time for some therapy."

Snake walked over to Meta Knight. "What's up Knight?" He greeted.

"Oh! Hey Snake. Didn't expect to see you here. What's up?" Meta asked sounding somewhat uncomfortable.

"There's just something I want to talk to you about. Follow me."

"Uhh…okay sure."

Before Meta Knight knew it, Snake got inside his cardboard box.

"Snake? What are you doing?"

"C'mon, get in the box." Snake suggested.

"What?"

"Get in the box!"

"I don't want to get in the box!"

"Get in the box! It'll make you feel better. I promise."

Meta Knight just stood there in silence still taking in what was happening.

"Listen I will follow you all damn day until you get in this box! You are not avoiding this!"

"Ok fine!" Meta Knight sighed in defeat and entered the box.

"There see? It's not bad."

"Snake what the hell is this all about."

"Ok, well an anonymous source told me that you were depressed, so he asked me to talk to you. And as your friend I beli-"

"Was it Lucario?!" Meta cut him off.

"What's that?"

"Was it Lucario?!"

"…..Yes…" Snake admitted the truth.

"That asshole!" Meta cursed.

"Oh yeah! A guy who is very worried about his good friend's mental well-being calls somebody in an attempt to help him. What an asshole that guy is!" Snake sarcastically snapped. Meta Knight looked surprised from Snake's sudden outburst.

"Well when you put it like that, it makes me sound like an asshole."

"That's because you are an asshole."

"Alright I get it! Yes I'm depressed. I've lost it Snake! My fighting abilities have been stripped away from me. Stripped away in the name of "balance" the others call it. I don't understand what they mean. Saying I was "over-powered." That's foolish!"

Snake stared at Meta Knight with a blank expression on his face. He was having trouble believing that Meta Knight truly believed he was balanced in the last tournament.

"Meta…would you say that everyone on the roster is a good fighter to some extent?"

"Well of course they are! You can't be on this roster unless you're a good fighter!"

"Right, so remember last tournament how you were curb stomping all of these "good fighters" and won matches without a scratch?"

"Uh…"

"Be honest with me. Out of all of your matches during that time, how often did you feel challenged by your opponent?"

"…"

"Meta?"

"…"

"C'mon, answer me."

"Not…often."

"I thought so. I don't know if anyone told you this, but most of the people on the roster, hated fighting you. Hell, there were some competitions held that you were banned from entering."

"Why?"

"Oh my god! Do I have to spell it out for you! You were OVER-POWERED! You were god-tier! No matter what situation you were in, you weren't at a disadvantage. Your ground game, powerful. Air game, powerful. Smash attacks, more powerful than people would think. Specials, Recovery, everything! You excelled at everything! You didn't have a single disadvantage. The rest of us did. I may have been number two on the leaderboard for a good while, but I had a slow forward smash, and my air game was terrible."

"Wow…I never realized…any of that. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. Just like it's not your fault a lot of your power was taken from you. Buy you need to stop clinging onto how good you were back then. You're relying on those old habits that don't work anymore. You need to worry about how you fight now. Learn your strengths and weaknesses, then form a strategy from that. You understand?"

"Yeah…I do. Thanks Snake." Meta Knight said with sincerity.

"No problem. But if I hear you're still depressed after this I'll come back and kick your ass until you start feeling happy. Got it!"

"I got it."

"Okay good. Now get out of my box."

Meta Knight obliged and exited Snake's box.

"**BOX POWER! TELEPORT!**" Snake screamed and his box disappeared into thin air along with him.

"The fuck was that?!" Meta Knight screamed. Palutena giggled behind him.

"And that's just one of the amazing things those can do! You should try a cardboard box sometime." She suggested.

"I think I'll pass…" Meta Knight denied.

"Suit yourself." Palutena said before she rode away on a cardboard box horse.


	25. Baking with Ganondorf

**Hey there folks, long time no update. I just wanted to start by apologizing for the lack of updates. I had put a halt to the development of both this story and Wasteland so I could focus on getting a story for a contest submitted and finished before its deadline. Now that I've finished it, I am now finally getting back to those stories, and it is good to be back.**

**Special Thanks to "Awesome Reader" for the suggestion for this chapter. Hope you all enjoy.**

* * *

Snake sat down in his office, playing a game of darts. Except the "darts" were throwing knives and the dart board was a poster of the Konami logo. With pinpoint accuracy, he hit all six letters.

"Assholes." Snake cursed under his breath. Then Snake's intercom began to beep, signaling an incoming message. It was from the front desk. He pressed the button to let the call through.

"What's up Nana?" He asked.

"Got a customer who came in. He wanted to see you personally so I sent him up." She explained.

"You want to tell me who-"

Before he could finish, his door was forced open, with a disgruntled Ganondorf stomping his way in.

"Look I get that you're the "King of Evil" and all, but even you villains should at least have the common curtesy to knock." Snake said with irritance.

"Alright I'm sorry." He apologized which was rather uncharacteristic of Ganondorf.

"Well you did apologize so I guess I'll let it slide. Go ahead and sit down." Snake offered to which Ganondorf accepted. "Alright, so how can I help you?"

"Okay, so I need to bake a cake for Toon Link…"

Snake was taken back by what was just said. "Why?" He asked with extreme curiosity.

"Well because it's for his birthday and…"

"No I mean…why do you, the King of Evil, have to bake a cake for your arch-enemy?"

"Well technically he's Toon Ganon's arch-enemy, not mine." Ganondorf corrected Snake.

"Shut up, you know what I mean!" Snake snapped back. Ganondorf let out a deep sigh.

"Master Hand has me and some of the others going through what he calls the "Villain Reformation" program."

Snake couldn't stop himself from snickering after hearing that. "And it's going really well right?" He asked with a grin. Ganondorf rolled his eyes at the question.

"Well I'm glad to know that someone else thinks it's a stupid idea. Anyway, as part of the program, my first task is to bake a cake for the kid's birthday. However, anyone with a fraction of a brain can realize that I don't spend time in kitchens." Ganondorf bitterly explained.

"So you want my help in baking the cake?" Snake guessed.

"Look…I'm sure you don't know much about baking cakes either, but I don't have any other options."

"What are you talking about? I know how to bake a pretty mean cake!" Snake proudly said.

"Wait…really?"

"Yeah! Peach taught me all about it a couple of months ago."

"Oh. Well that's…good to know." Ganon said still surprised. "Can I ask why you decided to take up baking? Just seems like something that's not for you."

"Look man, I haven't appeared in a video game in seven years. I decided that I might as well use that free time to learn some new skills, get some new hobbies." Snake said.

"Alright…so will you help me?"

"Of course I will."

"Excellent!" Ganondorf cheered.

"But! I have two conditions." Snake threw out.

"Uh…sure, name them." Ganon said, not sure what to expect.

"For starters, you're still going to be the one that's baking this cake. Don't expect me to do all of this for you and then you take the credit. I'll provide all the ingredients you need, and I'll guide you along the way, but you're still baking the cake."

Ganondorf wasn't thrilled about that but agreed.

"And second, you will not back out of this. You're going to see this through to the end. Understood?"

"Yes Snake, I understand."

"Okay. And to give you some incentive, if you pull this off, I'll see if I can convince Master Hand to drop this stupid reformation program." Snake offered. Ganondorf's eyes widened with delight, and he jumped at the offer.

"You got yourself a deal Snake!"

"Alright. We'll meet up at the Mansion kitchen tomorrow."

* * *

"You can't be serious!" Wolf laughed as he was eating lunch with Snake. "A Villain Reformation Program?"

"That's what he said." Snake replied and took a bite of his burger.

"I swear man, the Hand's ideas get dumber each year. Being a villain isn't an addiction, and these guys aren't juveniles. They're grown men who've made their choice, and their choice is to be evil. And that's fine by me. I mean, Smash Brothers has to have some balance of good versus evil." Wolf rambled.

"I don't see why it's necessary in the first place. As evil as they may be, they've done a good job of restraining themselves from carrying out some evil scheme. They've been kept in line ever since the Subspace Incident."

"True…true. So how are you gonna help him bake this cake?"

"I'll give him step-by-step instructions. I'll make him do a step over and over if I have to until he gets it right. I'll also have to make sure he doesn't try to poison the cake or anything like that. I mean this is a cake meant for Toon Link." Snake answered.

"Well, I'm sure you two will have a lot of fun." Wolf chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure to get those Christmas decorations Peach asked for, okay?" Snake ordered.

"Don't worry, I'll head over there right now. Good luck."

* * *

Early the next morning, Snake and Ganondorf were in the back of the Smash Brothers Mess Hall kitchen.

"Alright Ganondorf, I've got the basic ingredients we need to make a cake. Cake flour, eggs, sugar, butter and the icing. You ready to do this?"

"No…"

"Great! Let's get started!" Snake clapped, signaling the beginning. "So do you know how to crack an egg?"

"Pfft! Of course I do!" Ganondorf responded sounding appalled by the question.

"Oh really? Well then that makes this step a lot easier. Go ahead and crack this egg into the pan." Snake said and handed him an egg. Ganondorf held the egg over the pan, and squeezed the egg with his fist, shattering it.

"Uh…Ganon that's crushing an egg, not cracking an egg. I know damn well that you can crush an egg."

"What's the difference?!"

"Well, by cracking the egg like this…" He stopped and cracked the egg over the pan and allowed its contents to spill into the pan. "we can actually put the whole yolk inside the pan, instead of having it splattered all over our hand."

Ganondorf looked at his hand and saw it covered in yolk. He shook his hand trying to get the mess off.

"Ganon just use the damn sink!" Snake ordered. After washing his hands, Ganondorf walked back to the cooking station.

"All right, show me how to crack the egg again."

Snake then demonstrated it. "All right, now you try." Ganondorf took the egg, and hit the egg against the pan too hard, causing it to splatter onto the floor. Snake couldn't help but laugh, but he admired the effort. "Don't worry pal, you're getting there. Let's try again."

* * *

After several broken eggs, Ganondorf finally figured out the proper technique to crack eggs.

"Oh! I-I did it!" Ganondorf said with excitement.

"Hey! Great job! I knew you had it in you!" Snake complimented.

"All right. Now that we have all the ingredients in the bowl, it's time to mix them." Snake said and held out a wooden spoon for Ganondorf to grab. Ganondorf looked at him with confusion.

"What's that for?"

"It's to mix the pot."

Ganon grabbed the wooden spoon and examined it. "How are you supposed to mix with this?"

"You know, mix it like you would if you were making a potion."

"I'm not an alchemist. I don't know what you're talking about." Ganondorf said getting increasingly frustrated. Snake smacked the palm of his hand against his face, and let out an irritated growl.

"Okay then. Just…give me the spoon." Snake said and took it from Ganondorf. "Just put it in the bowl, and move it in a circular motion like this." He showed and handed the spoon back. Ganon growled angrily as he took the spoon. He stirred the pot as instructed, but was pissed at being treated like a child.

"Alright, good job." Snake praised, happy that they were able to get it done on the first try.

"What's next?" Ganondorf moaned, not looking forward to whatever followed. Snake set everything up into the cake pan, and put it into the oven.

"Now we wait for it to bake." Snake set the time on the oven.

"Really?" Ganon wondered if there was more to it than that.

"Yep."

"Wait. As in…not doing anything?"

"Well that was my idea, but I guess if you want to have a little small-talk…"

"NO! NO! That's fine!" The Gerudo quickly denied. Snake grinned.

"I thought so."

After the cake was baked it was time to add the icing. Snake explained to Ganondorf how to spread the icing on the cake. Though he understood it, Ganondorf spread the icing at an incredibly slow rate, being extremely careful as he used a butter knife to spread the icing, being deathly afraid of damaging the cake and having to start back from cracking eggs. What should've taken a few minutes lasted a couple of hours. Snake had eventually dozed off as Ganondorf worked on the cake.

* * *

"Snake."

"Uh! Huh! What! What's up?!" Snake frantically said as he quickly woke back up.

"I finished." Ganondorf reported in. Snake looked over Ganon's shoulder to see he was telling the truth.

"I'll be damned! You did it! It took an outrageously long time, but you did it!" Snake said happily.

"So what's next?"

"Next? Nothing! You're done! You've successfully made your first cake!"

"Oh…well that's great!" Ganondorf said and actually smiled.

"Just one last thing I'll do is add the candles to signify his age. So how old is Toon turning?" Snake asked.

"I don't know." Ganon shrugged.

"Don't know because you don't care or…"

"No, I don't know because I haven't seen any information regarding his age. I don't think anyone knows how old he is."

Snake was taken back by the response, but then thought about it himself. "Come to think of it, I've known that kid for about seven years, and he looks exactly the same. He should be a young adult by now but he still looks like a 13 year old."

As Snake continued to think about it, things only became more confusing, so he ultimately decided to stop. "I'll just go ahead and put one candle. He's aged a year that much we know."

After packaging the cake into a box, he handed it to Ganondorf.

"Listen Snake…" Ganondorf stopped to speak with him. "I'm sure that you didn't want to do this. I know I didn't. And I'm sure the only reason you did do it was because it's part of your job. But still…I just want to say…thanks." He awkwardly said and extended his hand. Snake looked at the gesture, and shook his hand with a small smile.

"My pleasure. Believe me, compared to some of the other jobs I've done, this was nothing. Anyway, you did your part like I requested, so I'll fulfill my end and convince Master Hand to stop this useless reformation program."

* * *

Master Hand was reading in his office when suddenly Snake barged through the door.

"Snake?! How rude! It's one thing to enter without an appointment, but you also didn't even have the decency to knock!"

"Oh right! I'm sorry! Let me try again." Snake acted apologetic. He left the room and closed the door. Then he knocked on the door, and then entered again. "That better?"

"What do you want Snake?"

"I want to talk to you about this "Villain Reformation" program."

"What about it?"

"I want you to stop it." Snake got to the point.

"Stop it? For what reason?" Master asked.

"Plenty of reasons. It won't work. It isn't helping the subjects, but annoying them more than anything. There isn't any reason to have it in the first place, because Smash Brothers is doing just fine with villains."

"Look Snake, I understand where you're coming from, but I just don't want another Subspace Incident to happen!" Master admitted.

"No one does sir, and that includes the people who were involved in causing it. Bowser, Ganondorf and Wario all took part in it and they paid for it. They screwed up, and they know it. I'm certain that after what happened they won't want to try anything like that again." Snake reasoned with him. "And besides, it's a waste of time. You're trying force change onto people. That's not how it works. You can't change people when they don't want to be changed."

Master Hand let out a deep sigh before conceding. "I suppose you're right. Very well. I will end the Reformation project immediately. Now please leave my office."

* * *

After a job well done, Snake went back to his office and relaxed. He was interrupted when Red knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"Hey Snake." Red greeted and entered.

"Hello Red. What's going on?"

"Well there's a special job for you. Somebody wants you to do a public service announcement on the video game industry."

* * *

**Be sure to read next week to see Solid Snake's PSA titled…**

_**Video Game Companies and You! **_

**Want to know how Triple A publishers are screwing you over? Want to know just how important your role as a customer is? Want to know how to combat against publisher's shady business practices? Well we'll talk all about right here on Snake the Handyman!**

**Still feel free to leave your suggestions, be it in a review or a PM to me.**


	26. PSA: Video Game Companies and You!

Hello ladies and gentlemen of the gaming community. My name is Solid Snake, and today we're going to have a public service announcement titled, _**Video Game Companies and You! **_We'll be talking about the relationship between major video game companies and you the customer. Spoilers…it's not a good one.

**If you care about the video game community, then please here me out.**

Do you frequently pre-order games, buy season passes, or purchase micro transactions? If you do then I have something to say to you…**STOP!**

**BECAUSE BIG NAME VIDEO GAME COMPANIES ARE SCREWING YOU OVER, AND BY DOING THE ABOVE, YOU ARE SUPPORTING THEIR GROSS BUSINESS PRACTICES!**

These companies like EA, Activision, Ubisoft, Capcom, Sega, and Konami (who basically became the Westboro Baptist Church of video games overnight) have gotten so big, and yet they forget that it's because of us that they got to where they are today. They're performing business practices that only benefit them, not you the consumer.

Let me explain…

* * *

**PRE-ORDER BONUSES AND DAY ONE LAUNCH ISSUES**

You might wonder how this is harmful, and I can understand why. Its harmful effects aren't really obvious on the surface. Have you seen a video game advertise something like a playable character as **being only available if you pre-order**? That's a pretty scumbag move in my mind, because while it's not obvious, it can put fear in the mind of the consumer. They might be scared that if they don't pre-order, than they will never be able to have that character. It's pressuring consumers. It's like they're holding content hostage and the ransom is to pre-order.

I'll give you an example. As much as we here at Freelance Favors liked Mortal Kombat X, we were not happy with its Pre-order shenanigans. The "bonus" for pre-ordering MKX was the character Goro. You know Goro, that legacy character, been with the series since the beginning? Yeah, he was apparently a Pre-order exclusive, so a lot of our friends thought if they didn't pre-order, they would never get Goro. Then the game gets launched and it turns out that's not the case. For those who didn't pre-order, Goro's locked behind a good ol' 5 dollar paywall.

The other problem that comes with pre-ordering is **the risk of your game being buggy as hell on day one! **Take a look at the PC port of Batman: Arkham Knight. That game was so broken, it had to be **REMOVED FROM STEAM FOR MONTHS! **Several other games had bugs on launch, like Assassin's Creed and Fallout 4. This mentality of "Ship the game and we'll patch it later" that publishers have should not be tolerated by gamers!

**In conclusion, there is no need for Pre-order culture. My advice to you is if you're looking to buy a Triple A game, wait until after it's released, find out from people if it's any good, and then decide whether to purchase it.**

* * *

**SEASON PASSES**

So remember back in the day, when you bought a video game, you had the **whole** video game? As in, all of the content created before the game was shipped is accessible, and not locked behind a paywall? Well Season Passes came along and said "FUCK THAT SHIT!" and decided that not only will you have to buy the base game for $60, you also have to buy this $30 season pass to have access to content that's already on the disc, and you have to wait over the course of months for all of it to be released. This is a case of DLC getting out of control. I have a huge problem with DLC created pre-launch. You want to know what game did the DLC thing right? **SUPER SMASH BROS 4**! All the DLC was created after the game was released, we didn't know what all the DLC would be before the game launched as is the case with other games, and there was no season pass. DLC that is created after the game is released is DLC that should be paid for, because the developers don't need to work on whole new content after the game is released, but they choose to anyway. Good on you Nintendo!

**Vote with your wallets people. Don't give in to this season-pass bullshit. As long as you keep buying it, companies will keep doing it. You shouldn't have to pay more money to get full access to a game you just bought.**

* * *

**MICRO-TRANSACTIONS**

I really hate Candy Crush. And I really hate most of those mobile games that use this "freemium" formula where if you choose not to pay for anything, you will have a harder time progressing in the game then the fools who decide to just buy their way to progress. Because of its success, now it's dripping into console gaming. MKX had easy fatality tokens…is it that hard to remember a special move input in a fighting game? Other games allow players to pay to progress through the game faster, or in multiplayer games they can buy better gear than other players, making it Pay-to-win. Progression and unlocking content is part of the fun of video games. A sense of achievement when you worked to get something new. There is NO REASON for players to be able to just buy their way through that experience.

**Don't buy micro-transactions! PLEASE! Don't encourage this stupid business model.**

* * *

There were so many big titles that came out this year that I chose not to buy because I just can't trust the publishers that put them out. These companies have either stopped or are slowly ceasing to care about you the customer, and instead are more interested in that thing in your pocket that you put all your green paper in. We need to stop this! Remind them that the only reason they got to where they are is because of us! We brought them up, we can take them down too! We need to get them to realize just how important we are to them, and how they should start listening to us again. These companies used to genuinely care about their fans, and they also cared about the quality of the games they put out. Now I only see that love and passion for making great games in indie games. The company that owns me may have gone to hell, but the other companies still have a chance.

**You may be one person, but your purchasing decision are have more power than you may believe. You can refuse to give your hard earned money to supply bad business practices, or you can become a part of the problem. It's your choice…**

* * *

**A/N: Thank you if you read through all of this. Don't worry, Snake the Handyman will return to being a humorous fan fic in the next chapter. I just wanted to get this off my chest, and I wanted to raise awareness about the problems these business practices pose. I'm worried about the current direction the video game industry is going, and I care too damn much about this community to not fight for it in some way, shape or form.**


	27. The Forest Guardians

**Hey sorry it's been awhile since I've updated this story. Just know that it's not dead.**

**Special thanks to "Some reader" for the suggestion.**

* * *

Morning came, and the members of Freelance Favors got to their places in the office building.

"Man it's good to be back!" Popo smiled.

"You say that like we haven't been here in a while. We were here yesterday." Nana reminded him.

"I know but it just feels like it's been forever. Do you guys know what I mean?"

"No." All the others replied in unison.

"That being said, I am glad that you're happy to be back at work…so start working." Snake ordered.

"Heh...work. No problem, you do all of the hard work anyway. I get to work at a desk and relax most of the time." Popo laughed.

Snake stopped in his tracks as a sly grin grew on his face.

"You know what Popo? You're right! Most of you don't really get actively involved in the jobs we're hired to do. Well that's about to change! The next job we get, we're all doing together."

And with that Snake marched upstairs to his office.

"Well shit!" Popo cursed at himself.

* * *

Snake sat in his office, patiently waiting for that call. His patience would pay off, as his phone began to ring. He quickly answered it.

"What's up Nana?"

"We've got a possible client. It's Olimar."

"Olimar? I haven't seen that guy for some time. Go ahead and send him up."

"You got it."

He hung up the phone and waited near his door. He heard the sound of small footsteps making their way towards his door. Then it slowly opened, and the small man appeared.

"H-Hello Snake." Olimar greeted timidly.

"Olimar! Good to see you again!" Snake said as he shook Olimar's hand. "How've you been? How's the wife?"

Olimar was quite surprised by the question. "Oh uh, she's doing just fine, thank you for asking. It's weird, I don't get asked about her too much. It seems most people forget that I'm married."

"I've got a good memory, that's all. Now go ahead and have a seat." Snake said and gestured towards the chair across Snake's desk for him to sit on. Olimar sat on the chair while Snake went back to sitting behind his desk.

"I'm glad to hear that she's doing well, but what about you? If you've come here, then it means you've got a problem that needs to be dealt with."

"Oh! Yes of course! I've come here because I have a major grievance!"

"Alright. Let's hear it."

"While I'm busy with matches I have to leave my Pikmin garden unattended. And when I come back, I keep finding that most of them…" Olimar stopped as he held back a sob. "That most of them have been trampled."

"Really? That's rough. Do you know who's responsible?"

"I don't know exactly. But I have a strong feeling it's some reckless Smashers just running through the garden, trampling my Pikmin!" Olimar's fist shook at the thought. "So I ask you…would you guard my Pikmin garden, find out who the perpetrators are, and convince them never to come near the garden again? I will pay good money if you can."

"We'll take care of it." Snake answered, lifting Olimar's spirit.

* * *

"Alright team!" Snake came downstairs and said loudly to get everyone's attention. "We've got a job offer, and we're going to do it together. Everyone is getting involved."

"Okay. What are we doing?" Red asked.

"Guard Duty, for Pikmin."

"What does that mean exactly?" Popo asked.

"There are people who aren't watching their step as they go through the forest and ended up stepping on and killing numerous Pikmin. Olimar has asked us to guard the Pikmin garden, stop whoever is stomping on the Pikmin and then make sure people get the message to not trample Pikmin. Understood?" Snake looked to his employees for an answer.

"Yeah, we can do that!" Nana cheered.

"I'm down." Red smiled and nodded.

"Just as long as we get paid." Wolf crossed his arms.

"Do we have to?" Popo asked, getting a smack to the back of the head from his wife. "OW! Okay! Okay!"

"Excellent! So it's settled. Now go ahead and put these on." Snake ordered and threw each of them a trench coat and a balaclava.

"What is this for?" Red asked as he examined the clothes.

"Olimar wants us to be discreet about this. Nobody is to know that we were hired for this. Now let's getting going to the forest."

* * *

**A few hours later…**

Sonic and Captain Falcon were having a high-speed footrace in the forest. It looked to be just about even.

"I was the fastest one on the roster. But then you came and took that title from me. Now it's time for me to take it back." Falcon grinned.

"Well sorry Falcon, but speed is what I'm all about. The torch has been passed, and I'm holding it." Sonic smiled.

They weren't paying attention to what was ahead as the both ran face first into a swinging wooden mallet. They were on their backs, knocked out. Then Nana and Popo came out from the bushes and stood over the unconscious duo. Nana pulled out a radio and reported in.

"Nana here. Popo and I caught two speeders, Sonic and Falcon."

"_Good job. Go ahead and haul them over here."_ Snake responded.

* * *

Nana and Popo brought the two back to the group. They tied them to a chair with rope to restrain them when they woke up. Red was doing data scans and found what they needed.

"We've got a match!" Red announced.

"Really?" Snake asked.

"Yeah. The footprints that we saw at the Pikmin garden are their footprints. They must be doing these foot races often."

"Great. Now we just wait for them to wake up."

Falcon and Sonic soon regained consciousness.

"What the hell happened?" Falcon muttered. He attempted to stand up but was unable to do so. He then realized he was tied to a chair. He struggled to break out of his restraints but to no avail. He looked over to see Sonic in the same predicament.

"Sonic!"

"Falcon! What the hell happened? What's going on?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh, so you're finally awake." Snake said from a distance, looking like a silhouette to them to conceal his identity.

"What? Who the hell are you?" Sonic asked.

After he asked that, two more silhouettes appeared at Snake's side. They belonged to Wolf and Red.

"It's not who I am…" Snake replied.

"It's who we are." Wolf said.

"We are the Forest Guardians!" Red announced.

Snake and Wolf looked perplexed at what Red said, but just decided to go with it.

"Uh…yes…that's right! We are the Forest Guardians, here to protect the forest from all who would dare bring harm to it, and punish them for doing so!" Snake proclaimed.

"What?! Harm the forest? We don't want to do that!" Sonic said in their defense.

"Yeah! We like this forest! We like to go through it during our races." Falcon agreed.

"Hmm…" Snake analyzed to see whether they were lying or not. "I can tell that you are being honest. Therefore, you must be unaware of your crimes."

"Crimes? What crimes?" Falcon asked.

"During each of your races, you ran right through the Pikmin gardens. And with your feet, you ended the lives of numerous Pikmin." Red explained.

"Look at the ground." Wolf ordered. The two obeyed the order. They saw several little Pikmin marching around. There were also footprints all over. "Do those footsteps look familiar?"

"Aw shit!" Sonic muttered, coming to the realization of what they did. "We're sorry! We really didn't know!"

"Well now you do. So I trust that this means we won't be having anymore incidents like this from you two, yes?" Snake asked. The two nodded in response.

"Good. Alright then, have a good night you two."

"What do you me-"

They were cut off as Nana and Popo smacked them in the back of the head with their mallets, rendering them unconscious.

"C'mon Red! The Forest Guardians? That's what you came up with?" Popo groaned.

"Yeah I gotta say, that name is kind of shitty." Nana admitted.

"Well sorry! I felt we had to call ourselves something!" Red responded.

"We didn't have to call ourselves anything. We could've just been 'some guys who jumped Captain Falcon and Sonic in the forest'." Wolf argued.

"Okay can you all shut the hell up?!" Snake intervened. "We need to dump these two back to the city before they wake up. I'll grab Falcon. Wolf, you carry Sonic."

The group then left the forest with Sonic and Falcon in tow.

"So uh…you two hit them pretty hard back there." Red said to Nana and Popo.

"Well yeah we were knocking them out. That's how you do it." Popo replied, wondering why Red made such a stupid statement.

"I know! Just…don't you think you should've been a little bit lighter? I mean a blow to the head like that can do a lot of damage. What if they got a concussion, or brain-damage?"

"Red, do we get paid to worry about things like that?" Snake asked.

"No."

"Okay then don't worry about it."

* * *

The group then broke into Falcon and Sonic's apartments. This is considered a crime in most places. But really it's only a crime if you get caught. Remember that kids!

**Actually no, don't do that**

They dumped the two on their beds and then left without leaving a trace.

"All right, job well done. Good work everyone!" Snake applauded his employees.

"Yeah. I had fun. It was kind of a weird job, but doesn't seem to be one of the crazier ones." Red said.

"Wolf. You've been on a few jobs with Snake before. How crazy do they get?" Nana asked.

"Well the first time I helped him, we were at a shopping mall with Peach with a bunch of rabid Christmas shoppers trying to kill us."

Everyone went silent from the answer.

"So there's that."

"You'll get used to it." Snake assured.


End file.
